Clean Jokes

[Turnip]

 

[Turnip]

 

[Frunobulax]

 

[Frunobulax]

My wife told me she missed me. That sounds nice, I know, but she was reloading at the time.

 

[GHT]

 

[Frunobulax]

 

[Turnip]

 

[Frunobulax]

If I self-identify as overweight, does that make me trans-fat?

 

[LostInTyme]

It is a mixed-up world we live in.
I bought a new TV,
just to watch people
I dislike more vividly.

 

[GHT]

When it has to be explained, it loses it's humorous intent. Too bad. I saw it first as a DAD joke. I thought it funny enough without the pictures.

Back in the 1960's when the now famous bands were starting to make a name for themselves, I, with a couple of fellow students, having missed out on seeing The Rolling Stones, managed to get tickets to see them in the students union hall in Coventry. It would be quite a journey but even then The Rolling Stones were gathering something of a following. We all had a fabulous time.

Coming out of the hall we saw, on the opposite side of the road, the recently commissioned Coventry Cathedral, it had been built to replace the centuries old one the was bombed in WW2. On the wall of the cathedral is a statue of Michael the Arch Angel, standing over a prostrate Lucifer. The one thing we couldn't miss was that Old Nick was a very well blessed lad indeed.

Three drunken students then proceeded to climb on each other's shoulders to stretch a condom on the devil's er, appendage, before we all fell to the floor laughing. Back home next day, I got word that the local Coventry newspaper ran a headline: "Well it makes a change."

This is where it had to be explained to me. Coventry is famous for the naked protest ride of Lady Godiva, against her husband's The Earl Leofric, punitive taxes. Apparently, every so often, when there's some drunken ribaldry affair in that city, the students and others will climb up on Godiva's statue and fasten a bra on her. So, even though that had to be explained, we still had a good laugh at our escapade, in fact we dined out on that for months.

 

[drmaxtejeda]

YOU KNOW YOU'VE LIVED IN MEXICO CITY WHEN.
A wedding is at 8:00 pm, you get there at 10:00 and nobody has arrived yet.
You really think
"doritos" were invented by the Mayans.
You believe a shot of tequila cures everything.
When travelling, you bring along small cans of chiles.
Leaving the office at 5:00 pm means working "half day".
You blame the pollution on
"El Popo"
You blame the traffic on the rich.
You blame the crime on the poor.
You blame the PRI for almost everything else.
You blame los "pinches gringos"for whatever's left.
The word "puente" means five day weekend.
You enjoy drinking beer with lime, salt, ice, tabasco sauce and still ask for an imported brand.
"Licenciado" is a proper name
On a restaurant table there are more cell phones and beepers than dinnerware.
You go "Pssssst" to catch a waiter's attention... in New York City.
You use the word "este"
as a conversation filter... in English.
You say
"mándeme" when someone calls you...in English.
You keep on addressing good friends as barnyard animals. (Buey & Cabrón).
You refer to a salesman as "maestro"... at Saks Fifth Avenue.
You eat tacos, enchiladas, morcilla, moronga, and médula, but believe hamburgers are unhealty.
When a stranger on the street smiles at you, you assume that: a) He's drunk;
b) He wants to sell you something
c) He's an American
d) He's a mugger
e) He's gay
f) He's all of the above.
"Tomorrow" means "not right now","never", or "screw you".
Calling in sick on Monday is proper behavior.
You keep a 20 dollar bill taped to the back of your driver's licence
You call an 80 year old waiter "joven".
You call a twenty year old waiter
"viejo".
You call everyone else "hermano", "mano", or "manito", but you call
your real brother "pendejo".
You assume women fall into three categories: virgins, whores, and your wife.
You profess "como México no hay dos", but secretly wish Mexico City was more like San Antonio.
You hope the next "sexenio" will be better, but you know you're dreaming.

 

[Zombie_61]

 

[Zombie_61]

 

[Frunobulax]

New Jersey's groundhog died, so winter will never end there.

 

[Turnip]

 

[drmaxtejeda]

I don't know whether he is about to bark at me or invade Ukraine

 

[Bamaboots]

 

[GHT]

This is reputedly a true tale. It sounds plausible enough but.............

BIOLOGY EXAM:
This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'.
The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:
1) It is the perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A+.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

That's the late great moonshiner Popcorn Sutton. It was Sutton's widow that Hank Williams Jr bought the recipe & naming rights from, to take it legal.

 

[Frunobulax]

Actual text my wife received from her employer the other day:

THIS IS A TEXT MESSAGE FROM (employer redacted). IF YOU DON'T RECEIVE THIS PLEASE LET US KNOW.