Clean Jokes

[Trenchfriend]

Book dealer asks his new girlfriend:

"Do you know Ibsen?"

"No. How is that done??"

 

[Trenchfriend]

A draftee is on his mustering and hands a vial with urine from his girlfriend.

Doc after exam:
"I got a good and a bad news for you. The bad one is, you're diabetic. But the good one is, you're pregnant!!"

 

[Trenchfriend]

A couple in the mountains.

She: "It's wonderful here, I'm speechles!"

He: "Great, than we stay here for six weeks!"

 

[Trenchfriend]

"You know the Mona-Lisa-sparkling wine?"

"No. How is it?"

"Two glasses and you will never get rid of that comical grin."

 

[Trenchfriend]

"Do you drive to Hamburg?"

"Yeah, get in, young lady!"

"I'm not your young lady."

"Doesn't matter. We're even not yet in Hamburg."

 

[Benny Holiday]

Warning: I just bought a fancy new GPS unit for my car, the type you can program in different voices for the navigation directions. Do not under any circumstances choose Bono's voice! I tried it, and now the streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

 

[Benny Holiday]

I noticed the train station in town has replaced its old digital timetable screen with a flash new OLED timetable. Must be a sign of the times.

 

[Frunobulax]

 

[Hurricane Jack]

View attachment 262048

Took me a min on this one!

 

[Zombie_61]

Took me a min on this one!

You're still ahead of me; I had to look it up.

 

[Trenchfriend]

In the hat store:

"These hats are all too expensive for me. Do you got nothing cheaper??"

"Only Zipfelmützen (pointed caps)."

"No, I wanted something for my head!"

 

[Trenchfriend]

My MRE

"Mueslibar Ready to Eat"

 

[Frunobulax]

Took me a min on this one!

You're still ahead of me; I had to look it up.

Yeah, I had to stare at it for a bit myself before it clicked.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

Yeah, I had to stare at it for a bit myself before it clicked.

I liked it, it was funny when it did.

 

[BobHufford]

@Frunobulax was probably wondering why he was hearing sounds of silence in the "like" department there for a while ...

 

[Trenchfriend]

"Hey, Tom, you still bought this waterbed lately, to liven up your marriage. Did it work??"

Tom:
"You can see it from thereon, how I call that thing. "The Dead Sea"."

 

[Frunobulax]

@Frunobulax was probably wondering why he was hearing sounds of silence in the "like" department there for a while ...

Popularity is overrated.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

Popularity is overrated.

That's exactly what what's-his-name said to Paul Simon.

 

[Frunobulax]

That's exactly what what's-his-name said to Paul Simon.

I just checked. Art Garfunkel's net worth is ~$65M, Paul Simon ~$75M.

So, yeah...

 

[Hurricane Jack]

I just checked. Art Garfunkel's net worth is ~$65M, Paul Simon ~$75M.

So, yeah...

But Paul got all the girls!

https://www.stuff.co.nz/entertainment/music/68852145/art-garfunkel-calls-paul-simon-a-monster