Clean Jokes

[Lean'n'mean]

Wife comes home & says to husband, "Take off my dress"
So he takes off her dress, she then says "Take off my stockings"
So he takes off her stockings, she then says " Take off my panties............& never wear my clothes again !"

 

[2jakes]

A clean joke ---!

 

[2jakes]

A husband explains to his wife one day,
"Your butt is getting really big.
It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!”

Later that night in bed, the husband makes
some advances towards his wife who completely
brushes him off. "What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers,

"Do you really think
I’m going to fire up
this big-arse grill for
one little weenie?”

 

[Lean'n'mean]

Wife asks her husband " What do you prefer about me, my beautiful body or my wonderful mind ?"
Husband replies " Your sense of humor ! "

 

[Stearmen]

there were 1003 Shelby AC Cobras produced, 3000 still exist!

 

[2jakes]

 

[GHT]

"On a second easel Leonardo hurried to paint Mona as she took a break."

http://www.mandatory.com/2013/05/15/30-ridiculous-parodies-of-famous-paintings/6/

 

[2jakes]

Polo has been watching too many “Terminator” flicks.

 

[nice hat dude!]

So I'm at Wal-Mart buying a bag of Purina dog food for my dog. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in inte
nsive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me.

 

[GHT]

Most People Don’t Realize, But
This is How To Clean the cat.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of
pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry
him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, place the cat in the
toilet and close the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate. You may need to stand
on the lid and give the cat time to make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the
cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides
a “power-wash” and “rinse”.

6. Have someone open the front door of the house.
Be sure that there are no people or animals between
the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as possible, and
quickly open the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak
through the bathroom and out the front door.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be
sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
I love Polo....


Really!

 

[Hurricane Jack]

On this Halloween Eve

 

[GHT]

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[Benny Holiday]

I'm not sure if there's much future for exit signs. I keep hearing they're all on the way out.

 

[Zombie_61]

I'm not sure if there's much future for exit signs. I keep hearing they're all on the way out.

At the very least, they seem to be pointing in that direction.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

We've all known people who just won't shut up!

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[Bamaboots]

What do you do if you're on a horse and a giraffe comes along side you with a lion close behind?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel!

 

[Hurricane Jack]

Ain't it the truth? We've gone soft!

 

[GHT]

An elderly couple are both having some short term memory loss.
While in for a checkup, the physician says that physically they’re okay, but since they’re having trouble remembering things, they might want to start writing things down.
Later that evening they’re sitting and reading, when the husband gets up.
“Would you like anything from the kitchen?” he asks.
“Some vanilla ice cream,” his wife replies.
“Okay.”
“Shouldn’t you write it down so you don’t forget it?” she asks.
“Don’t worry, I won’t forget.”
“Well,” she says. “A few raspberries on top would be great. You want to write that down?”
“I’ve got it, honey. A bowl of vanilla ice cream with raspberries on top.”
“And chocolate sauce, too. Maybe you’ll forget that. Want me to write it down for you?”
A little miffed, he replies, “I’ve got it! Ice cream, raspberries and chocolate sauce. I don’t need it written down, for gosh sakes!”
He waddles out to the the kitchen. A half hour later, he comes back with a plate of ham and scrambled eggs, and gives it to his wife.
She stares at the plate a few seconds, then says, “You forgot my toast.”