Clean Jokes

[GHT]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you see to it?'
'Well,' he said, 'I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing.'

 

[Stearmen]

A biker was standing around when his buddy rides up on a perfectly restored 1925 Brough Superior SS100 Alpine. He said, "where did you get that, I know you don't have a couple of million dollars?" The friend said, "funny thing, a beautiful women rode up on it, got off and proceeded to take off all her cloths, she then said, "take what you want!" The first biker looked at the Brough and said, "good call, her cloths probably wouldn't have fit you anyway!"

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[hatsRme]

Morris goes to his friend Irving and says
... "I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for
an hour after services for me?
Irving is not very fond of the idea
but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agrees.
After services, he strikes up a conversation with
the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
After some time the wise Rabbi becomes suspicious and asks Irving what he
is really up to.
Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse
confesses to the Rabbi "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he
asked me to keep you occupied."
The Rabbi smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Irving's
shoulder and says..."You better hurry home. My wife died two years
ago!!"

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[sufidancer]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says: " Bring me a beer and a mop."

 

[Stearmen]

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[sufidancer]

Question: What do you get when you cross a Helicopter and a Rhinoceros?

Answer: Hell if I know.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[rocketeer]

Two Cannibals eating a clown. one says to the other "Does this taste funny to you"
(Thank you Tommy Cooper)

 

[1mach1]

This morning on the way to work I wasn’t really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at a traffic light.
The driver got out, and it turned out he was a dwarf.

He said, “I’m not happy.”

I said, “Well, which one are you then?”

[emoji14]

 

[Vera Godfrey]

Who built King Arthur's round table?


Sir Cumference!

 

[hatsRme]

Subject: Prolific Rabbi



A Rabbi's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive, and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Rabbi's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the Rabbi's additional children were costing them, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the temple, little old Mrs. Goldberg struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "RAIN is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers!"

The entire congregation said, "Amen"

 

[emigran]

Johnny and Jimmy are on their way to school in the back of the bus and Johnny says... Hey , Wanna know what I had for breakfast. I'll give you a hint... it starts with an "N'
Jimmy says... 'Napple...??
NOPE says Johnny
' Norange.. asks Jimmy..
NOPE says Johnny...
'Negg... !!!


(This was the very first joke I ever heard...!!!
I was 7yrs old at my grandparents for a sleepover and my Grandfather's helper came to take him to work (they were plumbers dressed in grey work clothes) and we were all having breakfast whenv he told it to me.... never forgot this one...)

 

[Stearmen]

100 bomber pilots are in the briefing room, the General enters and proceeds to brief them on the mission. He tells them, "this is such a tough target that we project only one of you will come back alive! The pilots look around the room in stunned silence. They start thinking, "well, this is it," "I've had it," "Should I write my wife to tell her I'm not coming home?" Then the General goes to the next briefing room full of 100 fighter pilots. He gives the same speech about only one of them coming back alive. Every one of the fighter pilots looks around and thinks the same thing, "oh you poor dumb SOBs!"

 

[Lucky Girl]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

 

[hatsRme]

The fastest fly in the world reached a ground speed of nearly 70 MPH, but he hit screen, and strained himself.

 

[Hurricane Jack]