Clean Jokes

[MisterCairo]

Two fried eggs and a side of bacon walk into a bar.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast".

 

[MisterCairo]

How do you have a party in space?

I don't know either, I guess you just plan it.

 

[Zombie_61]

Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon? Good food, but no atmosphere.

 

[Bigger Don]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

30-plus years of marriage to a philosophy major?

 

[MisterCairo]

Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon? Good food, but no atmosphere.

I heard all three of those jokes, yes, including yours, at a concert Friday night. An obviously drunk and high guy just sauntered over to us, and literally introduced himself with those jokes!

 

[GHT]

Rudi Kurechko was old school Russian, old school communist. He yearned for the days of the former USSR. Since the fall of communism Rudi had become semi recluse, he spent his days with Anna, his wife and indulged himself in his passion for meteorology. He had amassed a considerable library of books on the subject. More often than not, he correctly predicted the weather and often in contradiction to his TV stations forecast.
Anna was used to him but he did annoy her with his petulance. "They are forecasting a white Christmas," she said, more to the room than to her husband. "It will rain," Rudi contradicted. "Oh you," despaired Anna, "How do you know it will rain?" "It bores you when I talk technical," he replied, "trust me, it's going to rain."
As usual, Anna was up first on Christmas morning. She peered outside, disappointed to see that it was raining. "He'll be so smug," she thought. Bringing him coffee into the bedroom she commented"You were right, again!"
"Ah yes," he said: "Rudolph the Red, knows rain dear."

 

[Zombie_61]

A woman was on trial for allegedly murdering her husband with his own guitar collection. When the judge asked, "First offender?", before her attorney could say a word the woman replied, "No. First I hit him with a Gibson, then a Fender."

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[Bamaboots]

Know how to tell if your girlfriends getting fat?

She starts wearing your wife's clothes.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?



Frostbite!

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[lkalliance]

So this is my favorite joke. But I should say it involves the Pope. I don't think it's INSULTING to the Pope, but it involves him, so please skip this if you feel it will rankle.



A representative from the Tyson Chicken Corporation has an audience with the Pope. "OK, Pope," he says, "I've been authorized by my employer -- the Tyson Chicken Corporation of America -- to make a donation to the Catholic church in the amount of one hundred million dollars, IF you will change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily BREAD' to 'Give us this day our daily CHICKEN.'"

The Pope replies, "That is a very generous offer, my son, and I thank you for bringing it to my attention. I'm afraid I cannot accept it."

The man leaves, but is back a week later. "OK, Pope," he says, "we are prepared to increase our offer. FIVE hundred million dollars, change it from 'daily bread' to 'daily chicken.'"

The Pope is, again, thankful. "Again, that is extremely generous, but it's the word of God, I can't just arbitrarily change it. I'm afraid we just don't do business that way. But thank you for the offer."

The man leaves, but is back a week later. "OK, Pope," he says, "this is our FINAL OFFER."

"One...
"BILLION...
"dollars."

"That's BILLION. With a B. 'Bread' to 'chicken.'"

So the Pope calls together the College of the Cardinals, and says, "Cardinals, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, the Church has recently come into a donation of...

"One...
"BILLION...
"dollars.

"That's BILLION. With a B.

"The bad news is, we've lost the Pillsbury account."

 

[2jakes]

"The bad news is, we've lost the Pillsbury account."

 

[basbol13]

Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"

Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

 

[lkalliance]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer.

He hears a quiet voice say, "Hey, I like your jacket."

He looks around and doesn't see anyone else near him in the place. He hears the voice again: "I like the tie, too."

He calls the bartender over and asks, "Hey, do you hear someone talking nearby?"

The bartender says, "Oh, that's the peanuts. They're complimentary."

 

[lkalliance]

A bear walks into a bar, and says:

"I'd like a beer...
"...
"...
"...and some peanuts."

The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"

 

[ortega76]

There are two types of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from missing data. . .

 

[Zombie_61]

Overheard in a bar:

"Why are you still dating that sadist?"
"Beats me."

 

[2jakes]

 

[2jakes]

Blind man enters a bar and finds his way to a stool.
After ordering a drink, sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells
to the bartender.

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The place suddenly becomes quiet.

In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm 6' tall
pound blonde with a belt in karate. What's more, the fella sitting
next to me is blonde and is a weightlifter. The woman to your right
is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler.
Think about it seriously, mister.
You still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind guy thinks about it for a second and says,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."