- Messages
- 12,005
- Location
- Southern California
I joined the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program. Now I have to go door-to-door and tell everyone I'm someone else.
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Clean Jokes
- Thread starter jamespowers
- Start date
- Status
MisterCairo
I'll Lock Up
- Messages
- 7,005
- Location
- Gads Hill, Ontario
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
Vera Godfrey
Practically Family
- Messages
- 915
- Location
- Virginia
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an ithberg!
With an ithberg!
A devout NASCAR fan dies, he is greeted at the pearly gates by St. Peter. Peter says, "you led such a good and moral life, we are going to let you spend all eternity here!" He is ushered into the greatest race track ever, Daytona and Talladega combined, he is truly in heaven, just looking around. Then he notices on the track a blue 1970 Plymouth Superbird with the number 43 on the side. He says to Peter, "I didn't know Petty died?" St. Peter replies, "no that's God, he just thinks he's Richard Petty!"
Lean'n'mean
I'll Lock Up
- Messages
- 4,086
- Location
- Cloud-cuckoo-land
A man walks into a bar & asks " Can I have a chwirzderkilmaskichtmeurk with a slice of lemon please"
& the barman replies " A chwirzderkilmaskichtmeurk with a slice of what ?"
& the barman replies " A chwirzderkilmaskichtmeurk with a slice of what ?"
- Messages
- 15,563
- Location
- East Central Indiana
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
Lean'n'mean
I'll Lock Up
- Messages
- 4,086
- Location
- Cloud-cuckoo-land
On his way home from work a guy saw a tramp eating grass, taking pity on him, he invited the tramp for dinner..." Can I bring my wife & 3 kids " asked the tramp............" Sure " replied the guy " I've got a big lawn."
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- Messages
- 15,563
- Location
- East Central Indiana
BLOND JOKE
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"
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Vera Godfrey
Practically Family
- Messages
- 915
- Location
- Virginia
This one is from my almost 16 year old daughter. It's pretty bad!
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with implants?
One's a crusty bus station and one's a busty crustacean!
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with implants?
One's a crusty bus station and one's a busty crustacean!
- Messages
- 10,577
- Location
- Boston area
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef...
Anybody can roast beef...
- Messages
- 12,005
- Location
- Southern California
Along those lines, here's one I heard often in the late-70s/early-80s:
Why do so many people buy Harley-Davidson bikes? So they'll have something to wrench on when the weekend rolls around.
vintage.vendeuse
A-List Customer
- Messages
- 355
Not a joke but I couldn't find a "funnies" thread...
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- Messages
- 15,563
- Location
- East Central Indiana
a preacher and a bus driver come to the pearly gates together. st.peter is already there, waiting for the two old men.
"soooo, bus driver, c'mon in, and you, preacher, wait out here. i'll be back later."
the preacher sits down and watches the two others go in. a felt eternity later, st.peter comes back just to tell him that he had to wait another time. the preacher gets real angry and asks st. peter:
"why you let that bus driver in first? don't ypu know he drunk and endangered others due to his estate all his lifetime? i committed all my life to god and showed this way of life to many others!"
st.peter replies:
"well, when you started preaching, everybody fell fast asleep in no time. but when that other guy drove his bus, everybody started praying instantly!"
"soooo, bus driver, c'mon in, and you, preacher, wait out here. i'll be back later."
the preacher sits down and watches the two others go in. a felt eternity later, st.peter comes back just to tell him that he had to wait another time. the preacher gets real angry and asks st. peter:
"why you let that bus driver in first? don't ypu know he drunk and endangered others due to his estate all his lifetime? i committed all my life to god and showed this way of life to many others!"
st.peter replies:
"well, when you started preaching, everybody fell fast asleep in no time. but when that other guy drove his bus, everybody started praying instantly!"
- Messages
- 15,563
- Location
- East Central Indiana
- Messages
- 18,171
"On a second easel Leonardo hurried to paint Mona as she took a break."
- Messages
- 15,563
- Location
- East Central Indiana
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000.” Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.
Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
Dr. Geezer: “...Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: Aaagh!! — “This is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t, — that is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!!!! ”
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so, ” Here’s your $1000 back.” (giving him a $10 bill).
Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Moral of story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an “old Geezer” Remember: Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to tick us off.
Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
Dr. Geezer: “...Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: Aaagh!! — “This is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t, — that is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!!!! ”
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so, ” Here’s your $1000 back.” (giving him a $10 bill).
Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Moral of story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an “old Geezer” Remember: Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to tick us off.
- Messages
- 12,005
- Location
- Southern California
A cowboy one day discovers several birds have made nests in his horse's mane. He shoos them away, but finds they've returned by the next morning. This goes on for a few days, so he rides into town and explains the problem to the local veterinarian, who advises him to sprinkle yeast on the horse's mane. The cowboy thinks this sounds odd, but concludes it couldn't do any harm so he gets some yeast and sprinkles it on the horse's mane and, sure enough, the birds fly away and never return. The next time he's in town he stops by to thank the veterinarian, and asks why the birds react to the yeast that way.
The vet replies, "Yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet."
The vet replies, "Yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet."
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