Clean Jokes

[Zombie_61]

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

Who would have thought the Devil wanted to make the world safe for altar boys?






:smokin:

 

[jamespowers]

Who would have thought the Devil wanted to make the world safe for altar boys?





:smokin:

https://youtu.be/sC75aU47GRk

 

[jamespowers]

 

[jamespowers]

 

[LizzieMaine]

A lot of people don't know this, but long before he achieved global acclaim in the world of symphonic music, Arturo Toscanini killed a man. He was young, living in a small town in Italy, it was a crime of passion, and he was put on trial and convicted. The sentence -- was death.

Now, at this time in Italy, the early 1890s, they were experimenting with the idea of electrocution as a form of execution, and Toscanini was chosen to be one of the first men to die by this process. It was a very primitive system -- the condemned man was to be immersed in a tank of salt water, with electrodes strapped to his body, and the switch would be thrown. In theory, it was supposed to be quick and humane, but when the day came for Toscanini's execution, it didn't work. They took him out of the tank, fiddled with the electrodes, stuck him back in the water, and tried again. His moustache sizzled a little bit, but otherwise -- nothing. They didn't know what to do, so they sent him back to his cell and had their technicians stay up all night adjusting the apparatus. Next morning, they tried again. Toscanini got in the tank, they strapped him up, and threw the switch -- and not a thing happened. He just smiled back at them. So they threw up their hands in frustration and finally just let him go.

So young Toscanini makes his way back to his home town and tells his family what happened. His father slapped him upside the head with disgust. "Stupid boy!" Papa declared. "I *told* you you weren't a good conductor!"

 

[tonyb]

All that way for that?

 

[LizzieMaine]

That's the whole idea behind a "shaggy dog story." A very popular form of joke c. 1945.

 

[jamespowers]

An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. "Mr. Peterson," she says. "Would you say you’re honest?"
"Honest?" replies Peterson. "Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
"Dad sued me for the money."

 

[jamespowers]

If you’re interested in becoming a lawyer, you’ll need a degree. But as these court transcripts reveal, the question is, in what?
Attorney: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Attorney: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Witness: "Guess."
Attorney: "Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight."

 

[tonyb]

That's the whole idea behind a "shaggy dog story." A very popular form of joke c. 1945.

So I imagine you've heard of the typical gnu and tiler too?

 

[LizzieMaine]

Precisely.

 

[V.C. Brunswick]

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them and says, "Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?"

 

[jamespowers]

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them and says, "Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?"

Yes.
A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar one particular afternoon, and one of them makes the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard- but a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment, they would all go out into the woods find a bear and attempt to convert it. Well 7 days later they all meet back at the bar to discuss the experience.

The priest, Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches and has various bandages, goes first, “Well,” he says, I went into the woods to find a bear, and when I found him I began to read to him from the catechism and the bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around, so I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and he became as gentle as a lamb. And now the bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.

The protestant minister spoke next- he was worse off than the priest- he was in a wheel chair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone preaching voice, he related, “I went out and found that sinner bear and I began to read to my bear from the Bible, but that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I grabbed him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a creek, and I quickly dunked the bear under the water and baptized him in the name of Jesus- and he became as gentle as a lamb and now he’s out saving other sinner bears.

So then they both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a full body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in VERY bad shape. “Rabbi what happened?” they asked very concerned. After a few minutes of silent reflection, the Rabbi said, “looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

 

[LizzieMaine]

And then there's "Little Audrey" jokes, which were all the rage c. 1937.

Little Audrey was sitting around one day playing with a box of matches. Her mama said "You better put those away, you'll burn the house down!" But Little Audrey didn't listen and sure enough, she set the house on fire and it burned completely to the ground. Little Audrey and her mama stood outside looking at the smoking ashes, and wasn't mama mad. "Oooooooh, you just wait till your father gets home!" she said. "You'll really get a licking then!" But Little Audrey just laughed and laughed because she knew Papa had come home early that day and had been taking a nap upstairs!

Little Audrey was out in the backyard playing with a bow and arrow, shooting arrows up in the air and not caring a bit for where they came down. "You stop that right now!" said mama, "You'll put somebody's eye out!" But Little Audrey didn't care, and kept on shooting arrows, and sure enough, one came right down on a man walking by and *pop!* it put his eye out! Mama folded her arms and said "There! Now don't you feel bad! You went and put that poor man's eye out!" But Little Audrey laughed and laughed because she knew that man was already blind!

Little Audrey and her brother were playing on the wharf, and wasn't mama mad. "Don't you let him go swimming!" she hollered. "Don't you dare let him go swimming!" But Little Audrey didn't care and when mama wasn't looking she pushed her brother right off the wharf. SPLASH! Mama came running, and was fit to be tied. "You little brat!" she hollered. "Didn't I tell you not to let him go swimming?" But Little Audrey laughed and laughed because she knew he couldn't swim!

And hundreds more, all following the exact same pattern. The animated cartoon and comic book character of the same name was inspired by this particular fad.

 

[jamespowers]

Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?" Gödel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong.

 

[GHT]

My new business contract took me to Wales on a number of occasions
My wife, ever the suspicious one, asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllatysiliogogogoch.
I said: “How can you say such a thing?”

 

[jamespowers]

A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife.

She rushed in and said, "What is it, honey?"

He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort.

He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left.

The wife was curious, so she asked, "What are you doing, honey?"

"I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.

 

[jamespowers]

George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and George Bush are in a plane.

The pilot says that the passengers must lighten their load. so the three presidents decide to drop one item

George Washington drops a quarter

Abe Lincoln drops a penny

George Bush drops a grenade

When the presidents land, they find someone holding their head and cursing.

George Washington asks the man what's wrong.

"i was walking down the street when a quarter falls from the sky and hits my head!"

So the presidents continue down the road and find someone hopping on one foot, holding the other, cursing. Abe Lincoln asks "What happened?"

"i was standing on my porch barefoot when a penny falls from the sky and hits it!"

The presidents continue once more and find a young boy laughing hysterically.

George Bush asks "What's so funny?"

The boy replies "I passed gas and my house exploded!!!"

 

[jamespowers]

Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.

A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had 1 baby."

The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!"

The nurse goes away.

Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!"

The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the owner of the Minnesota Twins!"

The nurse goes away.

The nurse comes back and says to the third businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had triplets!"

The man says, "What a coincidence! I work for Triple Crown!"

The nurse goes away.

The nurse comes back and sees the fourth businessman alone on the bench crying.

She asks, "Why are you crying"?

The man replies, "I work for Seven Up"!!

 

[jamespowers]

Suzie was all alone. It was two months since her dear Herbie had passed, and she just couldn’t seem to move on. “Listen here Suzie”, said her good friend Barbara, “maybe you should go see a psychic? One of my friends did it after her husband died and it made her feel so much better knowing that her dearest was happy.”
So that’s how, on the next Tuesday, Suzie found herself in a dim room with a crystal ball and a psychic talking in a calm voice. “Is he here?” Suzie asked. “Yes, I sense him,” was her reply. “Can you ask him if he’s happy?” Suzie hesistanly asked. “He’s putting his hand to his mouth like he wants to smoke” said the psychic.
“Oh, of course” said Suzie, “he needs a cigar. Herbie can never last more then a few hours without a cigar. I guess they don’t have cigars up there. Did he say where he is or how I could get one to him?” Questioned Suzie urgently. “Hmm”, said the psychic. “I can’t seem to get that question across to him. But then again,” said the psychic after a brief pause, “he didn’t say anything about needing a lighter!”