Clean Jokes

[jamespowers]

“Harry,” whined Mary, to her husband of 20 years. “What should I do?! I’m not ready for old age! I’m only 40 years old but I look and feel like I’m over 55! My face is all wrinkly, my back is bent over, and my hair is all thinned out.”
“Well,” said Harry after looking her up and down, “There is one thing about you that still works as good as new.”
“Oh Harry!” said Mary sitting down next to her husband, “you always know just what to say! What are you referring to?”
“Never mind” said Harry looking down.
“C’mon Harry, please tell me what you were referring to.”
“Mary, please don’t make me.”
“Harry I insist.”
“Well I was going to remark about how your eyesight seems to be working just fine!”

 

[jamespowers]

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.



A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.



The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"



"My husband's."



"What happened to him?"



The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."



She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"



The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."



A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.



"Can I borrow the dog?"



"Get in line."

 

[2jakes]

A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife.

She rushed in and said, "What is it, honey?"

He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort.

He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left.

The wife was curious, so she asked, "What are you doing, honey?"

"I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.

"Just before the death of comedian actor W.C.Fields, a friend visited Field's hospital room & was
surprised to find him thumbing through a Bible. Asked what he was doing with a Bible,
Fields replied, "I'm looking for loopholes." (source unknown).

W.C.Fields died December 25, 1946
R.I.P.

 

[nick123]

What is the lazy guy's favorite band?

Sony and Chair.

 

[jamespowers]

https://www.youtube.com/embed/6oHBG3ABUJU

lol lol

 

[jamespowers]

In Church there is a family that has recently been baptized. After a month of being new members the Bishop calls them in separately to see how they are doing. During an interview with the father, the bishop asks,
“"Will you give a talk next Sunday in Church?”"
The new convert replies, “"Sure, but what would you like me to give my talk on?”"
“"On anything you feel that would be beneficial to the congregation, like past experiences and such that have changed your life in a positive way.”"
So he goes home and immediately starts thinking about what he would like to speak on. One night as he is working on his talk his wife comes up to him and asks,
"“So honey, what are you going to give your talk on?”"
"“Well, after much thought, I have decided to give a talk on water skiing.”"
“"Water skiing! What? This is Church we are talking about; you can’t give a talk on water skiing. It would be indecent!”"
“"The Bishop said I can give a talk on anything I wanted to and I want to give it on water skiing!”"
Her husband is known to be a big joker so she shrugs it off not worrying about it for the time being. As Sunday comes though, she starts to get nervous and can’t take it any longer. When they arrive at the church parking lot she says to him,
“"Alright sweetheart, the jokes over. What are you really going to give your talk on?”"
"“I was being serious; I really am going to give a talk on water skiing!”"
His wife responds, “"Well, if that’s the way you are going to be, me and the kids do not want to be embarrassed by this, so we will wait out here in the car while you give your talk!”"
“"Fine, be that way!”" He replies.
So he goes into Church while his family stays in the car. As he sits down and waits for his turn to speak, he thinks it over and realizes that his wife is probably right. Talking about water skiing in Church? What was I thinking?!! So he goes to his back up plan. He gives a talk on adultery. After he gives his talk and the session ends he goes back to the parking lot to get his wife and kids and to apologize for the way he acted. But before he could say anything to them the Bishop comes up and turns to his wife and remarks,
“"Your husband gave one of the best talks in Church. I mean there wasn’'t even a dry eye in the room after he finished!”"
The wife stared at the Bishop incredulously and said,
"“You must be joking! He’s only done it twice. Once with my mother and once with my sister and couldn'’t get up either time!!”"

 

[jamespowers]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montanawhen suddenly a brand-new 2015 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"


The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple i phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know anything about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”

 

[Bamaboots]

http://youtu.be/3IiICcSH8iY

 

[ingineer]

"There's one story - of a man up in The County, and the wife is getting impatient because he refuses to ask directions and they're clearly lost, so they stop at a store. And the guy finally works up the courage to ask directions."

Audio from Bert and I rebooted: "'Where will I end up if I take a left?' 'Passadumkeag.' 'What if I take a right?' 'Madawaska.' 'What if I keep driving straight ahead?' 'Wytopitlock.' 'What if I turn around and head back the way I came?' 'Molunkus.' Cecil thanked him for the information and headed back to the car. Once he was back inside, Margaret piped right up. 'Well,' she said, 'did you ask directions? Did you find out where we are?' 'Oh, I asked directions all right,' said Cecil. 'Not that it'll help us any - the guy don't speak a word of English!'"

 

[jamespowers]

http://youtu.be/3IiICcSH8iY

:rofl:

 

[HoosierDaddy]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in an...d get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

 

[HoosierDaddy]

 

[Lean'n'mean]

Boy comes home from school & shouts "Mom !" "mom !"
His mother who is busy upstairs calls down " stop shouting & come up & tell me what's the matter"
"But mom " said the boy,
"No buts, come uptairs"
so the boy goes upstairs & finds his mother, " Right then " she asks " what's the problem ?"
"Well" replied the boy, " I've stepped in some dog poop & I can't undo my shoe laces."

__________________________________

A young blond woman is walking along a canal & she sees another young blond woman on the opposite bank,
" How do you get to the other side " called out the first woman,
" You're already on it " replied the second.

 

[Bamaboots]

A sharecropper asked his son what he wanted for Christmas. The boy replied "something new to wear and something to play with." Come Christmas morning the boy opened his gift and found a new pair of overalls wth a hole in the pocket.

 

[HoosierDaddy]

 

[hatsRme]

Ouch! Good one, Richard III.

 

[HoosierDaddy]

 

[Lean'n'mean]

Q: What's the difference between a snowman & a snowwoman.


A: Snow balls.

 

[2jakes]

Disorder in the Courts:
Actual things people have said in court.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

______________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats & Reeboks.

______________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_______________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: 38 or 35, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: 45 years.
_________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at the time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
___________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr.Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it’s possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[HoosierDaddy]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every onc...e in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer." Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."