Bring back dating?

[Etienne]

Gosh, I would call THAT "intimacy" of high order!!

 

[carebear]

I'm a bit confused about this statement...If intimacy and relationship are the wrong reasons, what are the "right reasons"?

That's not what he's saying.

Intimacy and relationship aren't the wrong reasons. Sleeping with lots of guys in the false hope that by giving out sex you will get intimacy and a relationship is the wrong reason.

People, especially young people and unfortunately especially young girls, want real love and companionship, but putting out on the first date is not the way to get that, as their peer boys are typically hormone monsters who just want the sex and older guys tend to know what the girls want and consciously prey upon those needs.

The girls get all the emotional and physical risks of sex but don't get the good, meaningful stuff they're seeking in return.

 

[Marc Chevalier]

Gosh, I would call THAT "intimacy" of high order!!

Well, if it weren't really fun, we would have given up on it long ago. Actually, recent studies indicate that more and more of us do.


.

 

[carebear]

Well, if it weren't really fun, we would have given up on it long ago. Actually, recent studies indicate that more and more of us do.


.

Because in a relationship it can be so much more than just friction and dopamine release; but we refuse to admit that and aren't willing to lose the selfishness that prevents us from having a real bond with a partner.

Sex simply for pleasure's sake, like any solitary hobby (solitary in that the other person is effectively an object), can get old. Sex for pleasure's sake with an actual friend and emotional lover is always so much more.

 

[Marc Chevalier]

Intimacy and relationship aren't the wrong reasons. Sleeping with lots of guys in the false hope that by giving out sex you will get intimacy and a relationship is the wrong reason.

Right. Conversely, some women sleep with lots of guys in the hope of having a lot of fun. It's more likely that their hope will come true.

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[Marc Chevalier]

Because in a relationship it can be so much more than just friction and dopamine release.

Yes, but it can also be much less than friction and dopamine release. And that's a problem: if the dopamine doesn't come through, then the friction gives way to late night TV.

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[Marc Chevalier]

Sex simply for pleasure's sake, like any solitary hobby (solitary in that the other person is effectively an object), can get old.

It doesn't get old so long as the sex actually delivers the pleasure. The problem occurs when the pleasure ceases to arrive. As long as it does, we'll do "the "deed" -- year after year.

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[carebear]

Right. Conversely, some women sleep with lots of guys in the hope of having a lot of fun. It's more likely that their hope will come true.

.

Depends on the guys...

 

[Marc Chevalier]

Depends on the guys...

Yup. Hopefully, after some practice, she'll get to know who and what she digs.

.

 

[Steve]

I just don't understand that at all. You are saying you don't want to date because it might end? Do you refuse to get a job because you might get fired?

Not at all. I have simply observed that most dating relationships end with a hard break-up. In my opinion, if one is truly searching for Mr./Mrs. Right, the relationship should be something more than just "dating" in the casual sense where one moves from person to person; it should be viewed as something to take slowly and seriously.

 

[Miss Neecerie]

Yup. Hopefully, after some practice, she'll get to know who and what she digs.

.

Graves

 

[Paisley]

A friend of mine--nearly 40 years old an no prude--has become really disenchanted with the looking-for-a-good-time approach. She's normally a cheerful, lovely person, then gets involved with some guy, and ends up feeling lousy about herself.

 

[Marc Chevalier]

A friend of mine--nearly 40 years old an no prude--has become really disenchanted with the looking-for-a-good-time approach. She's normally a cheerful, lovely person, then gets involved with some guy, and ends up feeling lousy about herself.

Maybe it has something to do with her age. Peer pressures factor in as well. Friends get married, friends have kids: and you? Desires can change along with one's social milieu.

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[Paisley]

Most of her friends are single. Heaven knows I'm not pressuring her to have get married and have kids. Whom would I hang out with if she did?

 

[Marc Chevalier]

Most of her friends are single.

Her name wouldn't happen to be Carrie Bradshaw, would it?

.

 

[missjo]

I couldnt care less about being single or not.
If I meet a nice chap thats excellent, if i dont, life is excellent as well!
I do as I like, always have, would have no problems at all with spending the rest of my life alone if need be, dont even mind people calling me a old spinster... except I wish I could really spin

What im saying is that I feel no pressure at all, not looking for mr right but wouldnt be suprised if i bumped into him tomorrow.

Btw, I think the old fashioned 1930s type of gigolo's should get back in fashion
You know, the dancing kind...

 

[panamag8or]

I don't think it was her. I would be a bit offended if my date inferred I was jealous of a compliment someone paid him. I mean really.

Good point, but I was thinking more about the whole "I don't need a costume" line.

 

[reetpleat]

Not at all. I have simply observed that most dating relationships end with a hard break-up. In my opinion, if one is truly searching for Mr./Mrs. Right, the relationship should be something more than just "dating" in the casual sense where one moves from person to person; it should be viewed as something to take slowly and seriously.

While there is something to be said for that, the problem is that just dating rarely leads to hard break ups. It is the pnes who are taking it seriously that have a hard time breaking up.

SOme jump into a serious relationship, and others just date, but for most daters, the assumption is when you find one you like, you keep dating till it becomes serious and eventually may becomes forever.

Still, the fact is that when you get involved with any person emotianally, the loss is always hard. Unlike friends or family which you can keep forever, you can usually only date one person seriously at a time.

Besides that, what is the difference between just dating and taking ity seriously. I think most people take dating seriously once they have dated someone enough to decide that is what they want.

 

[reetpleat]

I'm a bit confused about this statement...If intimacy and relationship are the wrong reasons, what are the "right reasons"?

Ah, a fair misunderstanding.

What I mean is that young girls want intimacy and a relationship from a guy often, so they have sex or let themselves be pressured into having sex thinking, right or wrong, that it will get the guy to want to be intimate emotionally, and be in a relationship, stick around, be their boyfriend.

Whereas, older people can use sex for fun, but also can use it to build intimacy and connection in a relationship. This is why I expect my relationships to invlove sex. For both reasons. Not that I would kick a girl to the curb for not doing it on the first date, but when I am dating/in a relationship, I consider it a normal part of an adult relationship. NOt everyones opinion, I acknowledge. Both it is for me and my relationships.

But back to my point, that is why I think young girls do it for the wrong reasons often, and end up getting hurt. On the other hand, I do not think guys use it in this way. YOung guys may well be advised to wait for other reasons. Not ready for it, stds, pregnancy, etc.

I do blame society for setting up young girls to want to trade their physical intimacy for a relationship. This is a deep negative pattern in our society.

Some may call it sexist, but I know of few young men who are pushed or cajoled or manipulated into sex. Unless you count societal pressure that is.

Anyway, my thoughts on the matter.

 

[reetpleat]

That's not what he's saying.

Intimacy and relationship aren't the wrong reasons. Sleeping with lots of guys in the false hope that by giving out sex you will get intimacy and a relationship is the wrong reason.

People, especially young people and unfortunately especially young girls, want real love and companionship, but putting out on the first date is not the way to get that, as their peer boys are typically hormone monsters who just want the sex and older guys tend to know what the girls want and consciously prey upon those needs.

The girls get all the emotional and physical risks of sex but don't get the good, meaningful stuff they're seeking in return.

Well said. My point exactly. I would venture to say that while I do not believe that for most adults, a woman putting out on a first date is a sure way to lose the guy, I think it is much morel likely for young girls, as young guys are much more immature nd inclined to not take them as seriously.

On the other hand, I do not think most high school girls are putting out on first dates so much as they are sleeping with a guy after dating a few weeks, but too soon still.