Bring back dating?

[Feraud]

This thread reminds me of that charming film The Little Hut.

 

[Lady Day]

How do we reconcile "old fashioned dating" with the rise of the Internet?
The net has brought about a change in the way people meet, access information, and get to know each other.
If I told a prospective date I post on the Fedora Lounge she could check my name and find out a lot about me from my ramblings on the net.
She could hate me before ever meeting me!
Then again, I could act like a total gentleman online and be a jerk in person.

True, especially when you can 'google' someone lol

But I think the internet has taken away a lot of what really went into the aspect of old fashioned dating, the face to face rejection
People are so afraid of that, that they dont want to meet someone face to face and have an ill precieved first impression. People want a bit of background as amunition, or coverage or whathave you.

The art of tackfully withdrawing from a rejection is just torn to shreads by women no a days. Fellas have it hard, especially when a lot of modern women I know still expect the dude to make the first move. They will tear him a new one

Just say 'no thank you' and if he does not back off gracefully, then tear him a new one

LD

 

[Feng_Li]

My girlfriend frequently accuses me of being a gentleman, so I suppose I'm proof it can still work.

 

[Dan G]

Originally Posted by koopkooper
If I may be so bold to say.....the only reason the "hooking up" goes on is because women allow it. Men have always wanted this system and now it has been handed to us on a platter...sex a la carte.

While this may have some truth to it, I have to ask (as a man) when did man's lack of integrity grow to such a height as to yield so to speak to this kind of "system"? Understand that this is NO flame nor directed at any individual but today's society. Again I beg the question, If boys would be Men, would girls be Ladies? I can't help but think that would an excellent start anyways.

 

[Feraud]

But I think the internet has taken away a lot of what really went into the aspect of old fashioned dating, the face to face rejection

lol lol lol


Ah, the slapped cheek, the drink tossed in the face... what today's boys are missing out on. I get all reminiscy just thinking about it.

 

[Feng_Li]

lol lol lol


Ah, the slapped cheek, the drink tossed in the face... what today's boys are missing out on. I get all reminiscy just thinking about it.

They get sued/disciplined/expelled for sexual harassment instead. Small wonder the girls never get a chance to tell them off / slap them properly, the administrators swoop down before they can.

 

[Samsa]

It seems to me, and not extrapolating to anybody else, that neither extreme, first-date hookups, or waiting for marriage, sound terribly appealing. [huh]

-Viola

Why is waiting for marriage an "extreme"? There are plenty of ways one can show affection for his/her significant other without going "all the way." I have known women (not particularly religious ones, either) who share my desire to "wait." I take offense to the implication that men, or women for that matter, are somehow maladjusted or aberrant for waiting until marriage to have sexual intercourse. I do not judge anyone for being sexually adventurous, but it is not for me, and I resent the suggestion that holding on to my virginity pigeonholes me into some sort of "freaks and geeks" category.

 

[Miss Neecerie]

Why is waiting for marriage an "extreme"? There are plenty of ways one can show affection for his/her significant other without going "all the way." I have known women (not particularly religious ones, either) who share my desire to "wait." I take offense to the implication that men, or women for that matter, are somehow maladjusted or aberrant for waiting until marriage to have sexual intercourse. I do not judge anyone for being sexually adventurous, but it is not for me, and I resent the suggestion that holding on to my virginity pigeonholes me into some sort of "freaks and geeks" category.

If you go back and reread what Viola said....

Originally Posted by Viola
It seems to me, and not extrapolating to anybody else, that neither extreme, first-date hookups, or waiting for marriage, sound terribly appealing.


I do beleive the 'not extrapolating to anybody else' part of her statement meant she wasn't actually juding anyone either, merely expressing -her- outlook on this.

 

[Tourbillion]

This was normal?? Good God in Heaven!, as my old ma used to say.
bk

Yeah,well let's forget 1950 for a minute and think about 1850. America (well almost everywhere else too) was pretty rural. Where you gonna meet girls/guys? If they aren't from your church or the next farm, chances are that if a guy comes "courting" that your parents would notice.

It wasn't like you could sneak off to the drive in or anything, even a barn dance would be heavily chaperoned. And unless a family was new in town everyone would know everyone's business.

There was also a lot less chance to cheat once you got married. When your nearest neigbor is a few miles away it was harder to sneak away unnoticed. There weren't any "girls at the office" then either. It wasn't even proper for a woman to be in the same room with a man unchaperoned.

So, I guess the Victorians had to date, they really didn't have any other choice. (Actually I've heard they had "hook ups" too, but I guess their parents still knew the history of the young couple, and hence the "shotgun weddings" that used to be so popular).

 

[Fleur De Guerre]

I think we may be jumping the gun just a tad bit. Marriages may have lasted longer years ago but, it may have not been for the "right" reasons. Divorce was looked down upon. Women were not educated and as easily employed as they are now. Women have MANY more options educationally, career wise and the like now than they ever have before. I am a single woman of 29 with my own home (2 actually) 2 masters degrees and a thriving career. That is something that was virtually unheard of in the past. Many people stayed together because they HAD to, there was no other choice so let's not confuse love, marriage, and morals with dependency and no choices. How many of us on this forum alone can say they came from a perfect matrimonial/familial union? (I am one of the only people I know whose parents loved one another, showed love to one another, were married, lived together and worked as a paired couple/family.)

Because a single woman and man (and I stress single woman and man for the adult factor and to note that no marriages are being broken up) decide to be intimate with one another WITH THE EXPECTATION THAT A RELATIONSHIP WILL NOT RESULT, there isn't anything wrong with that in my book. Because two people find one another attractive but not in a "I want to live with you forever, buy houses, cars, make babies and merge credit ratings" type of way and act on that, it's fine. It doesn't mean either of them are loose or immoral or lacking in self respect. Sometimes you may meet someone who is smart, funny, kind, sweet, caring but, you don't have the same life goals, does that mean you miss out on the experience of having a wonderful person in your life because you don't want to marry them? What if you don't want to get married?

Sexuality in and of itself is a human desire and perfectly natural. Safe, consensual sex is not the moral decline of the world.

Rosie, this is word for word exactly how I feel. My grandparents endured a miserable marriage because it was frowned upon to get divorced. My Grandad had affairs, and a secret second life, my Granny a nervous breakdown and 30 year addiction to strong tranquilisers. In today's world they would have broken up. How many weddings back then were a result of "hookups gone wrong"? Like the shotgun weddings Tourbillon mentioned? I'm willing to bet a fair few.

I also agree with what Rosie said about Sexuality. I'm currently living with my boyfriend but before that I was no saint, nor was I particularly promiscuous, I found a middle ground that I was and still am comfortable with. My parents got engaged after 3 weeks, and had bought a house together after 6 months, married at 8 months. They are still together 35 years later. It was their chemistry that made it work, not demurely dating for years and years. Saying that though, my dad was the perfect gentleman and did everything properly, including asking permission to marry my mother.

Sometimes people can have that strong chemical attraction but be utterly wrong for each other long-term. To me, I'd rather act on that than deny my feelings. I feel life is too short not to enjoy myself a bit.

 

[WH1]

I found a middle ground that I was and still am comfortable with.

I like this statement. A lot of this discussion comes down to self knowledge and core values. Right now our 18 year old son is going through a lot of these things. He is confused about the whole men/women dating/relationship thing and my wife and I talk about it with him. What I find interesting is the pressure from society and peers to be with "someone" as a measure of self worth. We tell him to take his time and make sure he doesn't compromise his core values and self respect. He has gone out on several dates and made a few dating faux pas. We have discussed what gentlemanly behaviour is and he tries to conduct himself as a gentleman. But the term has changed as society has. He actually had a girl get mad at him for opening her cardoor. She felt he was treating her like she was weak. Poor kid was pretty confused over that one. We are confident he will eventually get there, he may make some mistakes along the way, we all do, and as long as he learns from them, no one is hurt too badly and he doesn't repeat them thats okay. I think thats called growing up.
Bottom line folks, I believe know your standards and values stick to them and take strength in them, but be realistic.

 

[Etienne]

In my case, mind you I've spent my life kind of like a high-tech monk, I can't just do a 'hookup'--once I'm in the game, I'll have to date for an extended period, simply to assure compatibility of personalities; with how complicated my own is, this is a major concern, as getting too close to Miss Wrong could conceivably trigger a "catastrophic systems failure" (the last was caused by losing my grandfather, who acted as a "stand-in dad" to me).

1. Me being autistic doesn't help--I tend to avoid dealing with people I don't already know, unless it's in a situation where I have some degree of ability to "play to my advantages". The "professional student" thing is also an obstacle, especially at my age.

1A. Because of all this, I tend to be very commitment-oriented; I'm not one to even consider a 'fling'--if I wanted that, I'd make my way to Nye Co., NV and hire a "professional."

2. Since I don't drive, that means things would get really ugly there. (I'd need a lift home afterward, unless things wrapped up early enough for me to catch a bus.)

3. I'm licensed for CCW, how do I break to a date that I'm carrying, unless it's at the range? (Colt .45s and coffee, how's that for a hot date?)

All of those issues notwithstanding, I definitely favor the "traditional model"; the problem is it's kind of embarrassing being dependent on someone else for a lift, unless it's considered a balance to my being the "WCS insurance-policy" and designated "problem-interceptor and bullet-catcher."

Like I said, I'm the guy who went to his senior prom because he had a job there.

Some great girl is out there waiting for someone like you---no, I take that back...not "like you", but YOU!

 

[Samsa]

If you go back and reread what Viola said....

Originally Posted by Viola
It seems to me, and not extrapolating to anybody else, that neither extreme, first-date hookups, or waiting for marriage, sound terribly appealing.


I do beleive the 'not extrapolating to anybody else' part of her statement meant she wasn't actually juding anyone either, merely expressing -her- outlook on this.

Extrapolating means "to infer (an unknown) from something that is known; conjecture." It doesn't quite make sense in the context she used it. Regardless, waiting until marriage is still qualified with the adjective "extreme," which is the word I take issue with, not "extrapolating."

That being said, I should probably know better than to post in the small hours when I'm cranky anyway.

 

[Paisley]

Yeah,well let's forget 1950 for a minute and think about 1850. America (well almost everywhere else too) was pretty rural. Where you gonna meet girls/guys? If they aren't from your church or the next farm, chances are that if a guy comes "courting" that your parents would notice.

Let's go back to 1750. Houses were small and rural and suitors couldn't sleep in their cars or go to a motel. Instead, they slept with the girl they were calling on and put a log between themselves. Pregnant brides abounded.

 

[Paisley]

We could always go back to arranged marriages.

***

Does anyone else find that men who would prefer to build a relationship on a friendship and then get married also want to move to the burbs, have a couple of kids and volunteer at the church? I would prefer a more traditional relationship, but I the lifestyle that seems to follow it just wouldn't suit me at all.

 

[reetpleat]

Extrapolating means "to infer (an unknown) from something that is known; conjecture." It doesn't quite make sense in the context she used it. Regardless, waiting until marriage is still qualified with the adjective "extreme," which is the word I take issue with, not "extrapolating."

That being said, I should probably know better than to post in the small hours when I'm cranky anyway.

Well, the problem is you take extrem as pejorative which it does not have to be.

Obviously, if you are talking about the dating continueum, bed hopping would be one extreme, and waiting till mairriage would be another. the middle ground would be somewhere in the middle.

Of course you could take the extremes farther, as in prostitution or continual sex with strangers, versus not having sex at all in a marriage.

Now those would be extremse and waiting till marriage would be more in the middle.

It really is just semantic and you should not take offense at it beign called an extreme.

I guess it might make adifference if you call it an extreme, versus extreme behavior or an extreme opinion. But I wouldn't take too much offense. Certainly on this board you are in the majority. but you might as well get used to the fact that your point of view, while perfectly reasonable, is in the minority.

Actually many great men have asserted that when you find your views with the majority, it is time to take a close assessment of your views.

 

[Maj.Nick Danger]

Actually many great men have asserted that when you find your views with the majority, it is time to take a close assessment of your views.

I think this is the very reason most of us found this forum and enjoy it. We don't share a lot of the "values" that the modern world tries to shove down our throats.
I have seen many people get burned, and I've been burned a few times myself by not taking my time and just rushing into a relationship. So it's not something I take lightly, not just for my sake, but for the sake of whoever else might ultimately be involved.
To each their own, but I'll take my time,...patience is a virtue. [angel]

 

[Paisley]

We're in the same boat. I'm 23. Most of my friends and same-age relatives have kids or a marriage or kids and a marriage and it is WEIRDING ME OUT. lol

No, they're great people and they seem to be fine but...did I miss a stop? Where am I? What's going on? I just don't think I'm ready for that.

-Viola

You're just sitting out your first marriage.

 

[koopkooper]

Lets be realistic, "the hookup" is simply a nicer word than "one night stand".

Think about it, "the hookup" sounds like there may be a chance to continue the relationship in a "sex in the city" kind of way where you sit around with your buddies and pull the entire thing apart, examine the partner in the most scientific way to find out what might happen, his/her motives blah blah blah, will he call me, should I call him in four days, is that too early????

Ahhhh the mighty one night stand....you meet, make whoopee go home,never see each other again..... so much simpler!

 

[carebear]

Lets be realistic, "the hookup" is simply a nicer word than "one night stand".

Think about it, "the hookup" sounds like there may be a chance to continue the relationship in a "sex in the city" kind of way where you sit around with your buddies and pull the entire thing apart, examine the partner in the most scientific way to find out what might happen, his/her motives blah blah blah, will he call me, should I call him in four days, is that too early????

Ahhhh the mighty one night stand....you meet, make whoopee go home,never see each other again..... so much simpler!

The best part is when you DO meet them again, but it's long enough later that one of you doesn't remember and the other does. Such a feeling of being a special little snowflake.

The downside of living by the "Tao of Steve".