Bring back dating?

[Rosie]

Exactly how I see it -- it's the cultural implications that bother me more than how it might cause others to view me as an individual. I'm old enough and smart enough to take care of myself, and I don't think I'll lose a lot of sleep if some guy thinks I'm a prude.

But it's the culture my teenage niece is growing up in that bothers me -- a culture that pushes and pushes and pushes the idea that everybody's-doin-it. The poor kid doesn't *want* to do it, and she's actually asked me if I think there's something wrong with her for not wanting to carry on the way her friends do. If that's any kind of an empowered culture for young women, then somebody snuck in while I was asleep and changed the definition of "empowered" in my dictionary.

PSG, I know you and I have talked about "A Return To Modesty," the book by Wendy Shalit that goes into a lot of these issues -- but I'd also suggest "Female Chauvinist Pigs -- The Rise of Raunch Culture," by Ariel Levy -- which goes into a lot of the more overt cultural issues raised by this whole issue. Very interesting reading.

These are issues that both my niece and the children that I counsel are dealing with everyday. My niece at the age of 14 behaves the way a 14 year old should instead of the way teenagers are "supposed" to behave. The only thing I can say if she (both my niece, yours and any girls I deal with) have a strong foundation and has internal love (love from family and family friends) she won't seek validation from outside sources and feel the need to do what everyone else is doing.

When it came to dating/intimacy I was a bit on the slow side as compared with some of my peers but, I had a strong family foundation and didn't do things to be seen as cool or accepted. Much of my life has been lived according to my rules, not what is the norm and certainly not based on what others think. That assuredness (for lack of a better word) is one of the best things we can instill into children.

With an intelligent and wonderful Auntie like you Lizzie as a role model (I'd like to think the same for myself and my niece) and with your guidance, she won't have too much trouble becoming herself and finding her place amongst all the others.

 

[carebear]

How do we reconcile "old fashioned dating" with the rise of the Internet?
The net has brought about a change in the way people meet, access information, and get to know each other.
If I told a prospective date I post on the Fedora Lounge she could check my name and find out a lot about me from my ramblings on the net.
She could hate me before ever meeting me!
Then again, I could act like a total gentleman online and be a jerk in person.

Well, in the "olden days" with a less-mobile society most people who dated were more proximate. Communities were smaller and there was a greater chance that if you didn't know a person's history and personality someone else did.

That is a big change from now to then, in many cases, with folks living a bit more isolated, there's less pre-screening of potential dates by your family and peers.

 

[CanadaDoll]

Ya know, all you fellas should put your heads together and write a How-To manual on dating, I'm really curious to know what it would be like to date a real live gentleman, at 21 I'd rather make nice conversation over coffee, than have some idiot trying to grope me all night which seems to be the average around here
The furthest anybody gets on a first date with me is a kiss goodnight at the door which is apparently the reason why I'm single, according to some of my friends. There seems to be an expectation nowadays of loose behavior, and people don't seem to know how to react to someone who's not, hence I prefer "Dutch" dating, if I pay my way there's no call for expectations
My theory, if people can't handle the value I place on myself and my sexuality they can't handle the "grown-up" relationship they seem to be wanting, I guess that's why there's no second date

I figure, if people want to hook-up go ahead, just don't expect me to do it too, and if they wanna be dating me..........well don't bring it up.

 

[BegintheBeguine]

Grandma said just because he pays doesn't mean you have to put out

If a man buys dinner or a movie ticket or a drink for a woman then that doesn't mean he should expect anything except perhaps a pleasant evening's diversion. There's a whole section in the telephone directory dedicated to expectations.
Heck, my single dad always insisted on picking up the check when he went out with a friend; it gave him pleasure; no one was 'leading him on' as Frank the Cynic said nor did he expect any sugar.
This whole dating dilemma was around when I started dating, lo these 25 years ago. There were even phone lines which to a lesser extent took the place of the Internet in meeting new, unknown people.

 

[CanadaDoll]

Just 'cause grandma says it doesn't mean the boys'll listen, nor many of the girls for that matter.
For me, the only expectations I care about meeting are my own (and my dog's)

 

[BegintheBeguine]

Awwww. How is your little doxie by the way? I should've put that in quotes; no one told me anything about dating, guys and all that other stuff. It seems youngsters are as desperate to know as ever.

 

[CanadaDoll]

fftopic: Oh Tippy and his brother are doing splendidly, thanks for asking, they've both doubled in size and length, and are starting to look like individuals, and having the time of their lives getting into as much mischief as they can fftopic:

There really isn't much available out there, for kids as far as information goes, you'd think that with the numerous books and statistics on teen pregnancy, and the fact that younger and younger kids are having "serious" relationships, or meaningless ones, and such that there would be

 

[carebear]

There really isn't much available out there, for kids as far as information goes, you'd think that with the numerous books and statistics on teen pregnancy, and the fact that younger and younger kids are having "serious" relationships, or meaningless ones, and such that there would be

That would require folks make value judgements, and we can't have that anymore.

 

[CanadaDoll]

Very true, but how bout practical ones? are they still allowed?

 

[koopkooper]

If I may be so bold to say.....the only reason the "hooking up" goes on is because women allow it. Men have always wanted this system and now it has been handed to us on a platter...sex a la carte.

 

[Lincsong]

and why the hell do women automatically assume that if you ask them out on a date you automatically want them hanging around you like a steady???? C'mon I'll take 'em out once or twice but that don't mean I'm going to put a ring on her finger.[huh] and a guy likes to go to Las Vegas every once in a while too.

 

[PrettySquareGal]

[huh] and a guy likes to go to Las Vegas every once in a while too.

That line just cracked me up.

 

[Senator Jack]

Once or twice?! I think some of them expect an engagement ring before the appetizer!

 

[koopkooper]

Now here is an interesting question.....is it considered wrong today to be dating several women at the same time.

Now personally I would say it is not ethical to be sleeping with all of them, but what if you simply accept or invite numerous dates I don't see much wrong with that. Ofcourse one must have the time, desire and stamina to keep several women on the go. A bit like Tony Curtis in Boeing Boeing from 1965. Ofcourse you could end up in a whole lot of trouble and not come out of it smiling like a sex comedy.

 

[Senator Jack]

A bit like Tony Curtis in Boeing Boeing from 1965.

Where else but at the FL could you find this sort of obscure reference?

 

[PrettySquareGal]

Now here is an interesting question.....is it considered wrong today to be dating several women at the same time.

Now personally I would say it is not ethical to be sleeping with all of them, but what if you simply accept or invite numerous dates I don't see much wrong with that. Ofcourse one must have the time, desire and stamina to keep several women on the go. A bit like Tony Curtis in Boeing Boeing from 1965. Ofcourse you could end up in a whole lot of trouble and not come out of it smiling like a sex comedy.

As long as you didn't lead any of them on to believe it was an exclusive relationship, sure!

When I was single, I did a lot of dating. Just because sleeping around isn't my thing doesn't mean I didn't enjoy a lot of dinners!

 

[Lincsong]

Exactly, that scares the hell out of me; you ask a girl out and right away she shows up on the stoop with her suitcase and ready to measure the drapes.lol

No, it's not wrong to date several women at once. As long as the man doesn't lead all of them on the path that they think marriage is in the future.

See the whole thing is;

1. women control who they go out with.

but;

2. men control who they marry.

Oh well as Sinatra sang; "love is a tender trap".

 

[carebear]

Now here is an interesting question.....is it considered wrong today to be dating several women at the same time.

Now personally I would say it is not ethical to be sleeping with all of them, but what if you simply accept or invite numerous dates I don't see much wrong with that. Of course one must have the time, desire and stamina to keep several women on the go. A bit like Tony Curtis in Boeing Boeing from 1965. Of course you could end up in a whole lot of trouble and not come out of it smiling like a sex comedy.

As long as you aren't deliberately giving any of them the idea that they are your only date, no, nothing wrong at all. I'm not even sure you necessarily need to volunteer the info either.

Dating never used to imply exclusivity, that was referred to "going steady". Which meant there was a greater degree of physical or serious emotional intimacy.

Dating is just companionship with the possibility of romantic potential. As you date several people and you find that one becomes more romantically dear to you or you begin to grow in intimacy, then is when you should probably start actually pairing up exclusively. The others may simply become friends or, as they realize a deeper relationship isn't in the cards, may decide to move on.

 

[Baron Kurtz]

there's less pre-screening of potential dates by your family and peers.

This was normal?? Good God in Heaven!, as my old ma used to say.
bk

 

[CanadaDoll]

Now here is an interesting question.....is it considered wrong today to be dating several women at the same time.

Now personally I would say it is not ethical to be sleeping with all of them, but what if you simply accept or invite numerous dates I don't see much wrong with that. Ofcourse one must have the time, desire and stamina to keep several women on the go. A bit like Tony Curtis in Boeing Boeing from 1965. Ofcourse you could end up in a whole lot of trouble and not come out of it smiling like a sex comedy.

No I definitely don't think it's wrong, so long as the ladies know what's what, and the agreement is mutual, so long as there's no double standards, and both are aware I think it's perfectly fine.