Bring back dating?

[Tourbillion]

I think that the "hooking up" mentality can be damaging to boys as well.

I have two nephews, and they seem really hurt if they like a girl, and their feelings aren't returned. They get really depressed if a girlfriend breaks up with them, it hurts their self esteem.

I got a e-mail from my nephew after his girlfriend and him split up (from his my-space account of course) where he said he must not be too bad looking, because some girls had messaged him there. He's not a bad looking guy, he's also really tall and has a okay job, he doesn't have anything to worry about really, so rejection from girls is really hurting him. He could really benefit from "dating" it would give him confidence if he could just get girls to hang out with him.

Anyway, if one of my nephews were to "hook up" with a girl they really like, then if she won't be their girlfriend, they'd be really hurt. I think it is just about the same as for a girl.

Then, if they can't get any girls to hook up with them, they would be hurt too. And, even if they did get a lot of girls to hook up with them, what they really want is a girlfriend, so they'd still be miserable.

Even so, is "just dating" going to satisfy their needs for emotional intimacy? I'm thinking no.

 

[herringbonekid]

I just don't think someone's way of going about dealing with partners is a way in which we should be judging them.

bk

but we have the right to choose who we sleep with. and we might choose not to sleep with someone because of their sexual behaviour, past or present. therefore we'd be 'judging' them.

 

[PrettySquareGal]

My husband asked me out on a date. To a ball. The Marine Corps Ball. What a date it was! He showed up in dress blues with a small gift and I wore a black gown. That was a date.

I have pictures of my parents out on dates, and my father was wearing a suit. He told me that guys in his high school wore suits to parties in the 50's, even. These were average middle class kids.

I don't know about the book, but personally I think the formalities around dating, whether or not you hooked up in the back seat, went away for the high school kids, perhaps in the 70's.

I blame Jim Croce. No, his friend that hooked up with his girl. You know, that song "Operator" couldn't be written today. No operator needed to text her. So, at the very least, songs about dating and breaking up have changed.

 

[Baron Kurtz]

precis. Herein the disagreement, methinks (re: the importance of such matters - always assuming disease free, of course).

bk

 

[Etienne]

It all seems like a continuation of the "me" mentality--I want what I want, when I want it, how I want it. And we want everything IMMEDIATELY; fast food, fast cars, fast everything. But good, long-lasting relationships take time; in fact, most good things take time. I dated (did NOT live with or "hook up") with my husband for eight years. Not 8 months or weeks or days. And we've been very happily married now for 33 years! He was worth the wait, and he tells me the same. When we married, I knew him really, really well--how he reacted to life's problems, his financial practices, his character, his likes and dislikes, all his favorite things...and in these 33 years it has all just gotten better and better. The effort and attention we give to our relationship began a long, long time ago; I think good things really do take time.

 

[Jack Scorpion]

I don't think dating was more in back then or out now. Hooking up has been the norm in Big City Life since the 20s. And plenty folk go out on dates now.

 

[PrettySquareGal]

I don't think dating was more in back then or out now. Hooking up has been the norm in Big City Life since the 20s. And plenty folk go out on dates now.

I think what the book is trying to point out is that the nature of dating has changed for high school kids, not that there is less dating.

 

[vonwotan]

I can't say I entirely miss dating but, I did meet some wonderful women, make some good friends and had nights out I would not otherwise have enjoyed. If I were single I might like to go back to a more traditional courtship and dating.

With Sarah away I have had what she describes as "dates" with her recently single friend. Sarah asked that I accompany Caitlin to a fund raiser and we have gone to a few additional local events together. Not having the sexual tension and awkwardness of many dates, we've really had some fun.

 

[Quigley Brown]

I have a problem of being too shy and women having to ask me out (which is rare, by the way). Another negative on me is that several years ago I decided to get rid of my automobile...I really don't need it...and I'm too proud to let a woman drive. Here's it's Saturday night and it's me and the dog (although later I'll be hanging out at with some friends down a a vintage clothing store down the street from me).

 

[Cherriexo]

It's so funny we would have this topic.

The last guy I went out with we met at a bar,so I figured I like seeing a guy in group settings first.So I invitied him to a party my best friend was throwing,we talked and talked the whole night.He started getting physical and I simply said 'I'm not a cheap whore,I dont hook up.' Man,was that a turn off to him.Ooooo well.

I use to do alot of drinking and the sort when I was like 17 or 18.And since Im into vintage stuff half the time I feel like I'm 30 stuck in a 22 yr old's body.My last boyfriend was 31,and had a 3 yr old son so I was ready to quit the late nights at bars and stay in and watch old black n whites with him.

Obviously,we didnt work out so Im back to the drawing board.Which has caused me to count my blessings and pay no mind to men.After awhile you get exhausted of being treated like absolute dirt by every man you meet.

 

[Viola]

It seems to me, and not extrapolating to anybody else, that neither extreme, first-date hookups, or waiting for marriage, sound terribly appealing. [huh]

-Viola

 

[Cherriexo]

Agreed.

I hate how we're expected (women) to go just go from high school to maybe college but defintely marriage at 23.

Half my office is knocked up and married at 22.Im 22.Ive had maybe 3 serious relationships.I cant possibly be seen married right now.But then again I was ready to raise my exboyfriend's kid with him (and I swear it wasnt because he is the first man Ive met who knows who Tommy Dorsey is.lol )

Theres sorta this thing of you gotta choose to be super soccer mom,or be super feminist with an amazing Phd. I dont wanna be either,but I certainly dont want to be some woman with 8 kids and cant remember how to apply mascara because its been so long.

[huh]

 

[Daisy Buchanan]

Just to clarify:

I'd try dating the old fashioned way. Call for a date, set the time, pick her up with maybe a small gift, dressed nicely, dinner, conversation, maybe a little window shopping. Then take her home and hope to get permission to call again (if all went well).

My question is, how would that be received? Would I be written off as a hopeless dullard? Or - worse! - as "too nice!"

Well that just sounds like the perfect evening! I wish I could find a guy with that mentality.

I'm in the same boat as Lizzie. I don't understand modern dating. This isn't because I want to go back to another time, I like the era I'm living in.
But, I'm too emotional and too sentimental to just hook up with someone. I also couldn't jump into a relationship, although I am getting older and a 3 year courtship might not be in my best interest

I like being taken out on dates, whether it be to a diner for coffee, dinner, the theater, it really doesn't matter. What matters to me are the little things like coming to the door to pick me up. Opening the car door, pulling out my chair. It doesn't seem common practice to do these things any longer.
I need to get to know a man, become his friend. I think it builds excitement to leave him wanting just a little bit more. I'm not into the game playing, who calls who type of thing. If I like a guy I will call him, but if he doesn't call me back, I won't call again.
I guess I think their is something very sexy about courtship. It's nice to take your time to really get to know somebody, keep things interesting and do just enough to keep him interested. IMO, there is so much more to a relationship than the physical. I want a man who can be just as thrilled by a kiss on the cheek or holding hands. Every physical interaction should have a bit of emotion in it. I don't think that type of emotion can be had in one night. Dating or courting is a compilation of desires and emotions, each time you see one another, if it is love, those desires and emotions will get stronger. If you "hook up" the first time you meet the desires and emotions you have are different, and you don't give the desires and emotions that can be gained from dating for a little while a chance to develop. So, what could be a great relationship after dating for a little while might never be discovered. I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic. I think physical connection is important in a relationship, but there are so many other things that are important too. So dating allows for the time to realize all the connections you might have with a person, and when you're ready to take it to the next level it's even more incredible because you really know the person you are with.
For some people "hooking up" is OK. For others being with someone is so much more than a physical interaction. Dating for a little while and actually knowing a person can make intimacy so much more rewarding

 

[Viola]

Agreed.

I hate how we're expected (women) to go just go from high school to maybe college but defintely marriage at 23.

Half my office is knocked up and married at 22.Im 22.Ive had maybe 3 serious relationships.

[huh]

We're in the same boat. I'm 23. Most of my friends and same-age relatives have kids or a marriage or kids and a marriage and it is WEIRDING ME OUT. lol

No, they're great people and they seem to be fine but...did I miss a stop? Where am I? What's going on? I just don't think I'm ready for that.

-Viola

 

[scotrace]

Do I hear the jangle of bartender keys?

Na. Maybe duct tape peeling off the roll.

 

[PrettySquareGal]

We're in the same boat. I'm 23. Most of my friends and same-age relatives have kids or a marriage or kids and a marriage and it is WEIRDING ME OUT. lol

No, they're great people and they seem to be fine but...did I miss a stop? Where am I? What's going on? I just don't think I'm ready for that.

-Viola

I had that around me in my 20's, too. I didn't marry until after 30 and am glad that I waited.

 

[Maj.Nick Danger]

It all seems like a continuation of the "me" mentality--I want what I want, when I want it, how I want it. And we want everything IMMEDIATELY; fast food, fast cars, fast everything. But good, long-lasting relationships take time; in fact, most good things take time. I dated (did NOT live with or "hook up") with my husband for eight years. Not 8 months or weeks or days. And we've been very happily married now for 33 years! He was worth the wait, and he tells me the same. When we married, I knew him really, really well--how he reacted to life's problems, his financial practices, his character, his likes and dislikes, all his favorite things...and in these 33 years it has all just gotten better and better. The effort and attention we give to our relationship began a long, long time ago; I think good things really do take time.

:eusa_clap Couldn't have said it better myself. This whole business of virtual strangers just "hooking up" never could lead to a deep and lasting relationship, after all it's just too shallow. It's obvious when one looks at the burgeoning divorce rate I think, that it is this overall shallowness which pervades our world that is at fault.

 

[reetpleat]

It all seems like a continuation of the "me" mentality--I want what I want, when I want it, how I want it. And we want everything IMMEDIATELY; fast food, fast cars, fast everything. But good, long-lasting relationships take time; in fact, most good things take time. I dated (did NOT live with or "hook up") with my husband for eight years. Not 8 months or weeks or days. And we've been very happily married now for 33 years! He was worth the wait, and he tells me the same. When we married, I knew him really, really well--how he reacted to life's problems, his financial practices, his character, his likes and dislikes, all his favorite things...and in these 33 years it has all just gotten better and better. The effort and attention we give to our relationship began a long, long time ago; I think good things really do take time.

While I see no problem with a long courtship, I also do not feel that hooking up magically dooms a relationship to failure. I have had a number of long term relationships that started with physical intimacy very early. I certainly don't pass judgement on someone who does not choose my route. I also do not either on someone who does.

I also don't think there is anything selfish about it. As long as it is two consenting adults.

I do still think young people would be well advised to tread carefuylly. It is often the case that young people, especially girls, do it for the wrong reasons. Out of pressure, or to keep a guys attention. That is definitely the wrong reason.

Here is a question. would some of you women object to a guy wanting to be intimate early on, as long as he respected your wish not to? Or would the very fact that he let on that he sees this as okay be enough to make you feel he is not right for you?

I am curious.

 

[reetpleat]

I think that the "hooking up" mentality can be damaging to boys as well.

I have two nephews, and they seem really hurt if they like a girl, and their feelings aren't returned. They get really depressed if a girlfriend breaks up with them, it hurts their self esteem.

I got a e-mail from my nephew after his girlfriend and him split up (from his my-space account of course) where he said he must not be too bad looking, because some girls had messaged him there. He's not a bad looking guy, he's also really tall and has a okay job, he doesn't have anything to worry about really, so rejection from girls is really hurting him. He could really benefit from "dating" it would give him confidence if he could just get girls to hang out with him.

Anyway, if one of my nephews were to "hook up" with a girl they really like, then if she won't be their girlfriend, they'd be really hurt. I think it is just about the same as for a girl.

Then, if they can't get any girls to hook up with them, they would be hurt too. And, even if they did get a lot of girls to hook up with them, what they really want is a girlfriend, so they'd still be miserable.

Even so, is "just dating" going to satisfy their needs for emotional intimacy? I'm thinking no.

I don't know. Hooking up or not, young people are prone to taking their feelings too seriously. Ifthey did not hook up they would still be hurt by rejection and think it is the end of the world.

 

[PrettySquareGal]

How to say good night

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