Clean Jokes

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[Willybob]

Wow. I know I'll probably get grief over this but I think some of you have missed the point of the OP. I have'nt tuned in for a while and noticed some very funny jokes, and maybe a few not so funny, that probably belong on a "Not so clean jokes." thread. Just sayin.

 

[HoosierDaddy]

Exactly Willybob..but some don't even understand or realize that they have stepped over the clean joke line.
I raised an objection about foul language used in a jacket ( outerwear ) thread..and then caught hell and was belittled by those who said they even had to reread that post several times before they noticed the F-word usage and just couldn't understand why anyone would be offended. Such is the world today.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

Jeez, I'm done.

 

[HoosierDaddy]

Don't think it's you HK.

 

[GHT]

I know I'll probably get grief over this but I think some of you have missed the point of the OP.

Guilty as charged. My apologies.

On Monday I will be going under the knife when I have a hip replacement. It shouldn't be a big deal, but I am very apprehensive. However, others that I know have said that the relief from the constant pain more than makes up for the surgery.

 

[vallettavalentine]

Guilty as charged. My apologies.

On Monday I will be going under the knife when I have a hip replacement. It shouldn't be a big deal, but I am very apprehensive. However, others that I know have said that the relief from the constant pain more than makes up for the surgery.

View attachment 94864

Good luck and heal quickly!!!! I hope everything works out for the best.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

On Monday I will be going under the knife...

Me too but it will be to correct an old injury to my left arm & hand.

Good luck to you GHT.

 

[3fingers]

GHT, I have 3 years on my new hip. Should have done it long before. I'd never given much thought to quality of life before it became difficult to carry on day to day.
You will be happy and so will your lovely dancing companion.

 

[HoosierDaddy]

Next mid week is surgery for me too. inserting radiation pellets in my liver to fight my liver cancer. I have colon and liver cancer..but not as extreme as my Wife who died of the same thing November of 2016.
Prayers for both of you.
Quite a change of pace for the clean joke thread. Quick someone add some humor...

 

[Zombie_61]

A proctologist had been in practice for 20 years and had settled into a very comfortable life with his future very secure. so he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic. Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%. Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high.

“Well”, said the teacher, “The first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. The other 100% was for doing it all through the tailpipe.”

***

What's the difference between a surgeon and God? God doesn't think he's a surgeon.

***

Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. “I’m OK, but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered. “What did he say?” asked the nurse. “OOPS!”

 

[GHT]

Grateful thanks for your prayers and good wishes, and to Jack and HD, thinking of you both. Here's to a speedy recovery.

 

[Lean'n'mean]

A guy in a car stopped at the lights when a man tapped on his window, the guy lowers his window & asks " What's up ?"
" Some terroists have kidnapped president Trump & are demanding 1 million dollars in ransom, otherwise they'll douse him in gas & set fire to him" replied the man "so we're asking drivers for a donation" he continued.
" Really ?" asked the guy " how much have you got so far ?"
" Around 5 gallons " replied the man.

 

[GHT]

Last minute Christmas shop panic. Our friendly near neighbours have a charming eight year old daughter. The young lady has been very helpful on a number of occasions. "We should get her something for Christmas, as a thank you," says my missus. Read that as I should get her something, what a dilemma. I was all for stuffing a couple of twenty pound notes inside her Christmas card. "Don't you dare," reprimanded my wife. Totally flummoxed, I called our neighbour. "Oh that's easy," said the child's mother, "she's into Barbie." Okay" I said, not daring to ask, "who or what is Barbie." I tell you, when you don't have kids, the world leaves you behind.

Google explained that Barbie is a young, fashion, adult doll. Barbie is not the only experience that I'm not familiar with, buying online is alien to me too. (Seriously, ask Esther.) Armed with my Barbie knowledge I went into the toy department of a large department store in Southampton. There was a huge range of Barbies, she comes in many guises, like Flight Attendant Barbie, Attorney Barbie, Doctor Barbie and so on. The young assistant said that if I needed help, just ask. I must have looked like a fish out of water. "How much are they," I ventured, "Well sir," she said, "there are price variations among them, but we are doing a late Christmas deal. You can have any model for just twenty pounds, except the one at the end, she costs a hundred pounds." "Wow, that's some price hike," I said, "how do you justify that?" The assistant went on to explain that the expensive one was Divorcee Barbie and she came with Ken's House, Ken's car, Ken's Pension, Ken's......................

 

[3fingers]

My eye doctor is famous for his inventory of bad jokes. I ran into him at the barbershop yesterday and he sprung this one on me.

A Chinese man and a Jewish man were walking together when the Jewish fellow suddenly hits the Chinese man in the nose.
The Chinese fellow falls to the ground and asks "why did you hit me? I didn't do anything!" The Jewish fellow says "Because of Pearl Harbor!" The Chinese man says "that was Japan you idiot, I am Chinese.
"Bah. Chinese, Japanese what's the difference? "
They walk on and pretty soon the Chinese man belts the Jewish man in the mouth.
The Jewish fellow falls to the ground and asks "what was that for?" The Chinese fellow replies "because of the Titanic! "
"The Titanic?" "The Titanic hit an iceberg you fool! What does that have to do with me?"
"Bah. Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?

 

[GHT]

There was a huge range of Barbies, she comes in many guises, like Flight Attendant Barbie, Attorney Barbie, Doctor Barbie and so on.

How did I ever miss the best Barbie of all?

 

[3fingers]

How did I ever miss the best Barbie of all?

View attachment 99835

That Ken is such a piker. Why isn't he there holding her ponytail and telling her she's not going to die.

 

[Zachary]

The lion walks through the forest.
He encounters the rabbit. Proudly presenting his mane, he loudly shouting says to the rabbit:
"Who is the king of the animals?"
"You are, dear lion!", the rabbit answers shyly, rapidly walking on.
The lion continues his walk through the forest, until he gets to the deer.
"Who is the king of the animals?", he asks proudly.
"You are, dear lion!", the deer answers, and goes on.
Finally, the lion arrives at the elephant's.
"Who is the king of the animals?", he asks, however, the elephant just erects his heavy tusks, and stares intensively into the lion's eyes.
The lion, frightened: "Well you won't mind my asking!"

 

[Zombie_61]