Clean Jokes

[jamespowers]

Why wasn't Jesus born at a Flower Child Rainbow gathering?

Because God couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

 

[jamespowers]

During and interview with Hattie Mae MacDonald on her 101th birthday, a reporter asked her to what she attributed her longevity. "Waal," the long-time Feague, Kentucky, resident said, "Fer my digestion I drink beer. If'n my appetite is off, I drink a li'l white wine. Fer low blood pressure I drink red wine."

She paused, and then continued, "Fer high blood pressure I drink scotch. An' when I have a cold, I drink Schnapps."

"Amazing!" the reporter remarked. "And when do you drink water?"

"Ain't never been that sick."

 

[HoosierDaddy]

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

 

[HoosierDaddy]

A dude walks into a bar and says to the bartender : "I want a 12 year old scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."
The bartender is sceptical and decides to try to trick the man with a 5 year old scotch.
The man takes a sip, scowls and says : "Hey - Bartender, this crap is 5 years old scotch. - I told you that I wanted a 12 year old."
The bartender won't give and tries once more this time with a 8 year scotch.
The man takes a sip, grimaces and says : "Bartender, I do not want 8 year old scotch like this filth. Gi'me a 12-years old scotch or ill leave !"
Impressed, the bartender gives him the 12-year scotch on the house, the man takes a sip and sighs,
" Ah, now that's the real thing. "
A disgusting, ugly, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says. :
"Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one."...
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like ****!"
The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "Yeah sure, now how old am I ?"

 

[jamespowers]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called David, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
David clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID Ten T error?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
David grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No", I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like that little boy.

 

[jamespowers]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he pass ed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, One for me...'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

 

[jamespowers]

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

He shouldn't have drank Guinness. Guinness is soup not beer.

 

[Fading Fast]

During and interview with Hattie Mae MacDonald on her 101th birthday, a reporter asked her to what she attributed her longevity. "Waal," the long-time Feague, Kentucky, resident said, "Fer my digestion I drink beer. If'n my appetite is off, I drink a li'l white wine. Fer low blood pressure I drink red wine."

She paused, and then continued, "Fer high blood pressure I drink scotch. An' when I have a cold, I drink Schnapps."

"Amazing!" the reporter remarked. "And when do you drink water?"

"Ain't never been that sick."

Fanfreakintastic

 

[jamespowers]

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and towards the end of the program, he had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick went round to Paddy's to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

 

[Benny Holiday]

Scientists at CERN in Geneva have announced the discovery of the HEAVIEST element yet known to science!




The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other by-products are produced.

 

[Trapped in T-wilight Zone]

Benny H, Now, THAT I like. Numerous beautiful word-plays that are simply so true.

I also got a good belly-laugh from JP's ID ten T error tale. Especially his last line.

 

[Benny Holiday]

Funny how bureaucracies are the same the world over, huh?

There are some great jokes on these pages. JP never fails to make me laugh!

 

[jamespowers]

A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Lawyer: "Have you any grounds?"
Man: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."
Lawyer: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
Man: "It made of concrete."
Lawyer: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
Man: "No, we have carport, and not need one."
Lawyer: "I mean, what are your relations like?"
Man: "All my relations still in Poland."
Lawyer: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
Man: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?"
Man: "No, I always up before her."
Lawyer: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
Man: "She going to kill me."
Lawyer: "What makes you think that?"
Man: "I got proof.
Lawyer: "What kind of proof?"
Man: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on ! shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says:

 

[alanfgag]

Have you heard about the corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines.

 

[jamespowers]

Have you heard about the corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines.

:rofl:

 

[Benny Holiday]

lol lol Two more good ones!

 

[vitanola]

Two maggots were fighting in dead Ernest...

 

[jamespowers]

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and put a thumbtack in it. When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and put a tack in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This putting tacks in shoes and spitting in cokes?"

 

[jamespowers]

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

 

[jamespowers]

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."