Clean Jokes

[LizzieMaine]

A priest and a rabbi happen to be sharing a seat on a train, and as people in a common business will do on a long trip, they start talking shop. "Tell me, Rabbi," asks the priest, "do you keep kosher?"

The rabbi says, "Yes, yes I do."

The priest says "That means you can't eat pork, right? But just between us, you've tried it, haven't you?" The rabbi smiles and nods. "Pretty good, isn't it?" says the priest.

They go on for a while longer, chit-chatting about this and that, and the rabbi turns to the priest. "Now, Father, from what I understand, you're required to be celibate, are you not? You have never engaged in, what we call, relations, am I correct?"

"Certainly not!" declares the priest

The rabbi smiles, and nudges the priest in the ribs. "I'll tell you something, Father. It's better than pork."

 

[jamespowers]

A young blonde was on vacation in the swamps of Louisiana. She really wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes to bring back for her boyfriend but didn't want to pay the high prices the local stores were charging.
After becoming very frustrated with the local shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper replied, "Good luck! Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, and he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, rope in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She lunges, wraps herself around the beast and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more alligators all tied up.
Completely amazed, the shopkeeper got out of his car and walked toward the young lady.
Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts up at the shopkeeper, "Ugh! This one isn't wearing shoes either!!"

 

[Bamaboots]

A blonde and a brunette are sitting at an outdoor cafe having lunch when the cell phone in the blondes purse rings.
The brunette asks, "aren't you going to answer that?
The blonde replies, "why, no one knows I'm here."

 

[LizzieMaine]

This guy's just gotten married, and he's having a hard time adjusting to domestic life. His wife's trying to get him to help out more with the chores, and he finally agrees to get off the couch and do the washing. They've got one of these modern washing machines, and he's having a hard time figuring out all the settings.

"Hey honey," he finally yells, "I need to wash my sweatshirt, so what setting do I need to use."

"Just use what it says on the shirt," she yells back.

He fumbles around for a bit, and still isn't figuring it out. "Hey honey," he yells again. "I still can't find the right button!"

She's getting impatient. "Look, just use the button that says what it says on the shirt. What's it say on the shirt?"

He looks at the shirt again. "Honey, there isn't any button for 'University of Maine.'"

 

[GHT]

A priest and a rabbi happen to be sharing a seat on a train, and as people in a common business will do on a long trip, they start talking shop. "Tell me, Rabbi," asks the priest, "do you keep kosher?"

A lovely, lovely friend of our's, once regaled us with the problem of getting her small son to bless himself properly. The little lad got lost at: "And of the Holy Spirit, always addressing his right shoulder first, much the same way as the Greek Orthodox do.

At the time, we were on a flight to Portugal. "Bet I can get him to do it left shoulder first," I challenged his mother. She gave me one of those: "I don't know where this is going, but I smell a rat," kind of looks. So I got the little fella next to me and told him this story, knowing his mother was seated behind us, eavesdropping.

A life long couple of friends, being a Priest and a Rabbi, were heading off to The Holy Land together. The aircraft was gathering pace on the runway, when suddenly the pilot came over the intercom: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please adopt crash positions, this is not a drill. All the passengers did exactly as the flight attendant had previously instructed. Just as the captain was aborting the take off, the Priest, looked over at his friend, and couldn't believe that the Rabbi had just blessed himself.

"This may not be the time to discuss religious detail Rabbi, but you just blessed yourself," he said to his friend. "Bless myself Father?" Replied the Rabbi. "Yes Rabbi, you know? In the name of The Father, and of The Son," explained the Priest. "Oh no, Father, you have mistaken an old Jewish custom we do in times of crisis." The Rabbi reassured his old friend. "Jewish custom, Rabbi?" Questioned the priest. "Yes Father," answered the Rabbi, "In times of crisis we do one final check: Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch."

True story, and that little boy never got his sign of the cross wrong again, although to this day, as a 28 year old, he still says: Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch. And his Mother still laughs, and she still gives me a slap.

 

[jamespowers]

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

 

[Nobert]

A pilot is sitting in a restaurant and beckons his waiter over. "Waiter," he addresses him, "there's a fly in my soup."

"Yes, sir," responds the server, "We didn't think you'd want to be put on the no-fly list."

 

[GHT]

. Universal truths: (1) one good turn gets most of the blanket. (2) Sacred cows make the best burgers. (3) The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. (4) Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. (5) Rehab's for quitters. (6) Always remember, you are unique, just like everyone else.(7) Reality is an illusion that occurs through a lack of alcohol. (8)Work is the curse of the drinking classes.(9) If at first you do succeed, try not to look so astonished.(10) When the lights are out, or the alcohol kicks in, we are all beautiful. (11) Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught. (12) Never forget – sex has no calories.

 

[Zombie_61]

. Universal truths...

(13) If you think things are bad now, wait until The Government "fixes" it.

 

[jamespowers]

(13) If you think things are bad now, wait until The Government "fixes" it.

:doh:

 

[Zombie_61]

Guy in a restaurant spills an entire bowl of soup on his lap. He calls the waiter over and says, "Waiter, there's a soup in my fly."

 

[jamespowers]

Guy in a restaurant spills an entire bowl of soup on his lap. He calls the waiter over and says, "Waiter, there's a soup in my fly."

lol lol lol

 

[jamespowers]

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then, he decided to look through the window. He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door!"
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

 

[jamespowers]

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us too."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place... the grass is almost a foot high!"

 

[Hat Dandy]

Great jokes in this thread. Please keep them coming.

 

[jamespowers]

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom- to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."
His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"
"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and I'm afraid that my fiancee will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed."
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancee will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."
"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.
"Not a word," her mother affirmed.
"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

 

[jamespowers]

A man died and went to hell. As he passed sulforous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw his former attorney snuggling with a beautiful woman.

"That's not fair!" he cried, "I have to roast for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman!"

The devil barked, "Shut up! Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

 

[Nobert]

From a 1955 issue of Coronet:

A famous psychiatrist conducting a university course in psycho-pathology was asked by a student, "Doctor, you've told us about the abnormal person and his behavior--but what about the normal person?"
"When we find him," replied the psychiatrist, "we cure him."

 

[Bamaboots]

A young police officer was working midnights and patrolling through a popular municipal park after closing.
The officer spots a vehicle near the back of the park and drives up to investigate.
As he approaches he sees the windows on the vehicle are fogged over from the inside.
Using the tactics he learned from the police academy and his FTO, (field training officer) the officer illuminated the suspicious vehicle with his patrol car spotlight.
Still seeing no activity from within the vehicle, the officer cautiously approached with his Maglight, illuminating the windows of the suspicious vehicle, still unable to see within.
The officer, hand on his sidearm, rapped on the rear window of the vehicle with his flashlight, calling out " police, come out of the vehicle."
A moment later a male voice, breathy and agitated calls out "gimme a minute."

True story

 

[jamespowers]

Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a Genie. "I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. "But there's a catch."

The man was ecstatic. "What catch?" he asked.

The Genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."

"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari! " POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

"NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "Next wish?"

"I'd LOVE a million dollars..." replied the man. POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO MILLION dollars," said the Genie.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.

"What is your final wish?"

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."