Clean Jokes

[jamespowers]

A guy walked into a crowed bar, pulled out his 1911-A1 .45 with its eight-round magazine and screamed, "I gonna kill whoever's been cheating with my wife!"


A voice in the back of the room yelled back, "You're gonna need more ammo!"

 

[1mach1]

A Californian, a Texan and a Montanan, attending a convention in a little town just outside Las Vegas, were standing in a seedy bar enjoying a few drinks.

The Californian grabbed his wine spritzer and knocked it back in one gulp. He then threw the glass against the back wall smashing it to pieces. He told the other startled drinkers that the standard of living was so high in California that they never drank out of the same glass twice.

The Texan finished his margarita and threw his glass against the back wall. He loudly proclaimed that in Texas not only were they all rich from oil but they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.

The Montanan drank his beer, drew his revolver and shot the Californian and the Texan. As he was returning the gun to his holster he told the wide-eyed bartender that in Montana they had so many Californians and Texans they never had to drink with the same ones twice.

 

[HoosierDaddy]

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial (a grandmotherly, elderly woman). He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors up to the bench for a sidebar. In a very quiet voice, the judge said: "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll put you in jail for contempt!"

 

[jamespowers]

A Californian, a Texan and a Montanan, attending a convention in a little town just outside Las Vegas, were standing in a seedy bar enjoying a few drinks.

The Californian grabbed his wine spritzer and knocked it back in one gulp. He then threw the glass against the back wall smashing it to pieces. He told the other startled drinkers that the standard of living was so high in California that they never drank out of the same glass twice.

The Texan finished his margarita and threw his glass against the back wall. He loudly proclaimed that in Texas not only were they all rich from oil but they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.

The Montanan drank his beer, drew his revolver and shot the Californian and the Texan. As he was returning the gun to his holster he told the wide-eyed bartender that in Montana they had so many Californians and Texans they never had to drink with the same ones twice.

You would have to pay me A LOT of Money to move to Montana. A LOT.

 

[jamespowers]

Romantic Thought for the Day:


Love means never having to ask, "Does that fifty include a spanking?"

 

[HoosierDaddy]

"Ole Blue"

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, having foolishly
squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education
is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula
that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue
in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says
"and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester,
the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you
just won't believe this -- they've had such good results
they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue
in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog
can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father
is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read
something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday
morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was
in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading
the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy
still messing around with that little redhead who lives
down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot
that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in
Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

 

[GHT]

The last time I went for my prostrate examination, the nurse had more hair on her chin, than me, and thick bent fingers too, it was both agonising and embarrassing.
So I decided the next time I was in Thailand, I would go to a clinic there, as the nurses are so much more petite.
When on my next business trip there, I booked in at a local clinic, the pretty young nurse asked me to drop my pants, lay on my side and in went her finger. She said, "its quite normal for an erection to happen during this procedure."
I commented, "I do not have an erection." Maybe so," she replied, "but I have." :eeek::eeek::eeek:

 

[HoosierDaddy]

What's the topic...:eusa_doh:

 

[Bamaboots]

Whew! Try to get this back on track.

Two guys ran into a bar----the third one walked around.
Thanks, I'm here all week.

 

[jamespowers]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor to have a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this --- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked and said, "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

 

[jamespowers]

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Edna always replied, "I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, "Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."
Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Buddy replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

 

[ChrisB]

A baby seal walks into a bar, the bartender says "What'll you have"? The seal replies, "anything except a canadian club".

 

[Nobert]

A baby seal walks into a bar, the bartender says "What'll you have"? The seal replies, "anything except a canadian club".

Ha! My preferred tipple.

Saw this on the internet, so maybe everyone knows it already:

A depressed looking cat walks into a bar. The bartender says, "what'll ya have?" The cat says, "A shot of rum." The bartender pours a shot of Captain Morgan's and set it in front of the cat. That bats at it with his paw until it falls off the edge of the bar and goes crashing to the floor, then says, "Hit me again."

 

[LizzieMaine]

It's 1939, and Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis has just ended his earthly course. At the pearly gates, there's a great hubbub when he arrives, as St. Peter himself rushes over to take the professor by the hand.

"Come, Doctor, hurry, we've been waiting for you," the keeper of the keys exclaims. "We have a problem here, a problem only you can solve."

"Ach," replies Freud, "uff course. Und who ist der patient?"

"Well," says St. Peter, a bit embarrased by what he's about to reveal. "It's -- You Know."

"Eh?"

"The great I Am. The -- uh -- Almighty."

Freud's eyes pop open. He's thunderstruck. "Mein Gott!"

"Exactly," says St. Peter. "Will you come?"

"But vait," says Freud, shocked to the core of his being. "Please -- tell me more aboudt der case. Vat zeems to be der prrroblem?"

"Well," Peter stammers, "He's having --- ah -- delusions of grandeur."

"Delusions of grrrrandeur! Ach!"

"Yes, Doctor, delusions of grandeur. He thinks He's Franklin Delano Roosevelt!"

 

[jamespowers]

It's 1939, and Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis has just ended his earthly course. At the pearly gates, there's a great hubbub when he arrives, as St. Peter himself rushes over to take the professor by the hand.

"Come, Doctor, hurry, we've been waiting for you," the keeper of the keys exclaims. "We have a problem here, a problem only you can solve."

"Ach," replies Freud, "uff course. Und who ist der patient?"

"Well," says St. Peter, a bit embarrased by what he's about to reveal. "It's -- You Know."

"Eh?"

"The great I Am. The -- uh -- Almighty."

Freud's eyes pop open. He's thunderstruck. "Mein Gott!"

"Exactly," says St. Peter. "Will you come?"

"But vait," says Freud, shocked to the core of his being. "Please -- tell me more aboudt der case. Vat zeems to be der prrroblem?"

"Well," Peter stammers, "He's having --- ah -- delusions of grandeur."

"Delusions of grrrrandeur! Ach!"

"Yes, Doctor, delusions of grandeur. He thinks He's Franklin Delano Roosevelt!"

:doh:

 

[Nobert]

Mrs. Cohen and Mrs. Horowitz are chatting one day in the laundry room. At one point, the conversation works its way around so that Mrs. Horowitz says, "You know, it's a funny thing. I sent my son--lovely boy-- to the holy land so that he could study to be a better Jew. You know what happens? He comes back a born-again Chrstian."
"Funny you should mention that," says Mrs. Cohen. "I send my son--light of my life and hope of our family--to the holy land so that he may study and become a better Jew. And, whadayou think? He comes back a born-again Christian."
"Vat a thing," says Mrs. Horowitz. "we should consult mit the Rabbi."
So the two women go to the Rabbi and Mrs. Horowitz says, "Reb, both myself and Mrs. Cohen, we send our sons to the holy land so that they can study to become better jews, and, what do you think, they come back born-again Christians."
"Funny you should mention that," says the Rabbi. "I send MY son to the holy land so that he should study to be a better Jew, and--what do you think--he comes back a born-again Christian. I must pray on this."

Later, when the Rabbi is praying, he says, "Oh Lord who made us all, i know that is not my place to try and understand your plan for the world. Nonetheless, myself, Mrs. Cohen, and Mrs. Horowitz all sent our sons to the holy land to study and become better Jews, and they all came back born-again Chrisitans. If it is given to a lump of clay such as myself that you may impart some clue to me, I would ask that you give me some some guidance on this matter."

Then, the Rabbi hears, not so much as hears, but feels, a voice...as though it were reverberating from every atom in the room... "FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION THAT..."

 

[HoosierDaddy]

Now THAT'S funny ,Nobert..!! lol

 

[jamespowers]

Now THAT'S funny ,Nobert..!! lol

Indeed it is.

 

[jamespowers]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied,
"Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

 

[jamespowers]

Aliens came to Earth from Mars and they turned out to be quite friendly. All the countries in the world agreed that they would send the Pope to talk with the alien leaders.

The Pope walked up to the spaceship, greeted by a few aliens, and started conversing.

"I know this question may sound odd," the pope starts to ask, "but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"
"Jesus Christ?!?" the alien leader exclaims, "how do we not?! He swings by our planet every two years or so. What an awesome guy!"
"EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO? We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!"
Trying to calm down the pope, the aliens say "Well, maybe he didn't like your chocolate."
The Pope chuckled, while slightly confused. "Forgive me, but what does chocolate have to do with this?"

The aliens responded, "Well when he visits our planet, we give him huge boxes of our finest chocolates... what'd you guys do?"