Clean Jokes

[Benny Holiday]

Yup I passed that one on to my sister on the phone today, she laughed for a good minute!

 

[Zombie_61]

Where do they send orphaned baby chickens? Click here for the answer.

 

[jamespowers]

Yup I passed that one on to my sister on the phone today, she laughed for a good minute!

I passed on the golf joke at the course this morning. They liked that one.

 

[jamespowers]

Four guys have been going to the same Golfing trip to St Andrews for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night.. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So... here I am!

 

[Zombie_61]

Moses, Jesus, and God go golfing. As they approach the first tee they see a particularly difficult water hazard between the tee and the green. Moses tees off and, sure enough, his ball lands in the middle of the water hazard. He walks to the edge of the water and raises his arms, and the waters part, allowing him to walk into the water hazard to retrieve his ball. Jesus tees off next, and his ball also lands in the middle of the water hazard. He walks to the edge of the water, pauses for a moment, then walks across the surface of the water hazard to the place where his ball entered. He holds out his left hand palm down, and after a moment the ball rises from the water into his outstretched hand. Just as he returns to the tee there's a tremendous thunder clap and, glaring at the two of them, God asks, "Are you two gonna' screw around all day, or are you gonna' play golf?"

 

[jamespowers]

Dave comes home from the pub, drunkest he's been in a long time, and collapses into bed next to his sleeping wife. Later, he's woken by a brilliant flash of light at the end of his bed, which his still sleeping wife seems oblivious to. St. Peter appears in all his glory, standing over the two of them.
"You have died my son, of alcohol poisoning" says St. Peter. Dave is obviously distraught and begs and pleads with the saint to be given another chance at life.
"Well..." says St. Peter, thumbing through his saintly handbook, "There is a little known rule which might help. Apparently you can be reincarnated in special circumstances if you wish, but only as a dog or as a chicken I'm afraid.." Dave, living next door to a chicken farm, agrees to be reincarnated as a chicken, at least so he can still see his wife.
BOOM, the man is suddenly now a chicken, pecking around the chicken farm. A rooster approaches him and says "Hey! You must be the new arrival here! How's everything going?" "Pretty good" says Dave, "though my stomach feels a bit funny.." "Well you're obviously about to lay an egg! Give it a try... push one out!" So Dave wriggles and squirms and wriggles and squirms and out pops a nice egg!

"That felt great!" thinks Dave, "I think I'll lay another one!" So again he wriggles and squirms and wriggles and squirms and then !!BANG!! His wife angrily slaps him on the back of his head and screams in a rage: "For Goodness sake David!! You've crapped the bed again!!!"

 

[jamespowers]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

 

[Zombie_61]

A man took his wife to the County Fair and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and saw a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year." They walked to the second pen and saw a sign that said, "This bull mated 150 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked to the third pen and saw a sign that said, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." Finally, the husband looked at his wife and said, "Yeah? Why don't you go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow every time."

 

[1mach1]

Glad you like them. I nearly died laughing when someone told me the old man on the moped joke.

That was a good one!

 

[1mach1]

Dave comes home from the pub, drunkest he's been in a long time, and collapses into bed next to his sleeping wife. Later, he's woken by a brilliant flash of light at the end of his bed, which his still sleeping wife seems oblivious to. St. Peter appears in all his glory, standing over the two of them.
"You have died my son, of alcohol poisoning" says St. Peter. Dave is obviously distraught and begs and pleads with the saint to be given another chance at life.
"Well..." says St. Peter, thumbing through his saintly handbook, "There is a little known rule which might help. Apparently you can be reincarnated in special circumstances if you wish, but only as a dog or as a chicken I'm afraid.." Dave, living next door to a chicken farm, agrees to be reincarnated as a chicken, at least so he can still see his wife.
BOOM, the man is suddenly now a chicken, pecking around the chicken farm. A rooster approaches him and says "Hey! You must be the new arrival here! How's everything going?" "Pretty good" says Dave, "though my stomach feels a bit funny.." "Well you're obviously about to lay an egg! Give it a try... push one out!" So Dave wriggles and squirms and wriggles and squirms and out pops a nice egg!

"That felt great!" thinks Dave, "I think I'll lay another one!" So again he wriggles and squirms and wriggles and squirms and then !!BANG!! His wife angrily slaps him on the back of his head and screams in a rage: "For Goodness sake David!! You've crapped the bed again!!!"

:rofl:

 

[1mach1]

A blonde and her husband are sleeping when the neighbor’s dog starts barks and wakes them up. The blonde sighs, shakes her fist and says 'Wait until you see what I'm going to do to those neighbors!'

She runs out of the house and five minutes later she comes back with a smile on her face. The husband asks 'So, what did you do?'

The blonde says 'Well, I took the dog from their yard and I put it in our yard to see how they like it having the neighbor’s dog barking all night.'

 

[jamespowers]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.
The officer asked to see the lady's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

 

[jamespowers]

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him.
At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything.
He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."
But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."

 

[Zombie_61]

..."Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

lol :eusa_clap

 

[jamespowers]

lol :eusa_clap

 

[jamespowers]

A married couple got into an accident and the husband's face was badly burned. The doctor told him that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied. "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

[jamespowers]

A married couple got into an accident and the husband's face was badly burned. The doctor told him that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied. "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

[jamespowers]

Three men approached the gates of heaven where they were immediately greeted by Saint Peter. "Hello good sirs, and welcome to the Kingdom of God. In heaven we have but one rule: DO NOT step on a duck."
"I'm sorry. Can you repeat that?" questioned one of the men.
"Over the years, many misconceptions of heaven have arose. Yes, it's a pretty nice place. No, its not perfect, but its close. You see the only problem are the ducks. If you step on a duck it will begin to quack and then all the other ducks will begin to quack and its simply a nuisance for us all. So if you step on a duck, you must suffer the consequences." Saint Peter replied.
The three men looked at each other, laughed it off, and continued into heaven. As far as the eye could see there were ducks everywhere. Almost immediately one of the men accidentally stepped on a duck. Just as Peter had said, the duck began to quack and then the ducks around him began an audible tidal wave of quacks.
Soon after the quacks had passed, Saint Peter approached the men in hand with a hag of a woman. Without a word, he shackled the hag to the man that stepped on the duck and left.
The other two men were careful not to step on a duck. Although they tried there best, one of them eventually stepped on a duck. The same phenomenon of before arose and Saint Peter arrived again with a huge amazonian woman with warts all over her face. He shackled the woman to the man and left.
The final man treaded with care and spent many days and nights successfully stepping around the ducks. After a while, Saint Peter approached the man with a beautiful woman. He shackled the woman to the man and left without a word.
The man was so delighted he audibly said to himself, "Wow, what did I do to deserve this?"
The woman replied, "I don't know, but I stepped on a duck..."

 

[jamespowers]

A recently divorced man, heartbroken and down on his luck, comes across a magical genie lamp. Thinking his luck has finally changed, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.

"I am an all and powerful genie. You get three wishes, but I must tell you in advance, anything you wish for, your ex-wife gets double."
So the man thinks for a few moments and asks for his first wish. "I want a beautiful mansion."
The genie grants his wish of a brand new, beautiful mansion, and his ex-wife got 2 beautiful mansions.
A few minutes later he asks for his second wish. "I want 100 millions dollars."
The genie grants his wish of 100 million dollars and his ex-wife got 200 million dollars.
On his final wish he takes some time to really think of what he wants. Finally... he asks for his third wish.
"I want you to scare me half to death."

 

[Zombie_61]

Bob dies, but is denied entry to Heaven. After a sudden flash of bright white light, he finds himself standing in front of a reception desk in what appears to be the lobby of a small office. A sharply dressed man seated behind the desk rises to his feet, introduces himself as The Caretaker, and explains, "Hell isn't quite what you humans imagine it to be. Oh, you'll suffer eternal torture and damnation, but fire is only one of three methods we use. Please follow me so that we may select the method you would prefer." The Caretaker leads Bob to the first of three doors in a relatively short hallway. "This is Room 1. We'll begin here because it's the form of torture most like what you expect Hell to be." The Caretaker opens the door to reveal a huge cavern as far as the eye can see, filled with countless people held immobile by specialized restraining devices. Each of these poor souls is being tortured by a demon-like creature using various flame, electrical, and energy devices to deliver severe burns to each of the restrained beings. The sounds of torment emanating from the room are overwhelming. Bob recoils in horror, his mind barely able to imagine the pain each of these creatures must be enduring. After giving Bob a moment to collect himself, the Caretaker said, "Shall we proceed?" The Caretaker leads Bob to the next door and says, "This is Room 2." He opens the door and, again, reveals a huge cavern that seems endless. Again, it's filled with countless people being held immobile, but in this room the demon-like creatures are using blades, pointed objects, whips, chains, hammers, and various other instruments to inflict injury and suffering on these people. Again, the sounds of torment are overwhelming, and again Bob recoils in horror. Again, The Caretaker allows Bob a moment to collect himself before saying, "Shall we proceed?" The Caretaker leads Bob to the next and final door, and says, "This is Room 3." He opens the door and, again, reveals an endless cavern. However, unlike the first two rooms, Bob hears very little noise. He peers into the room cautiously to see countless people standing or wading around naked in waist-deep raw sewage, drinking coffee; some are smoking cigarettes. Bob suddenly becomes aware of the stench emanating from this room, an odor so powerful and offensive that he can barely keep himself from vomiting, nor keep his eyes from watering. Again, The Caretaker allows Bob a moment to collect himself, then says, simply, "Choose." Needless to say, Bob is appalled at the thought of having to spend eternity in any of the the rooms he's been shown, but quickly decides Room 3 would be the least offensive and informs The Caretaker of his decision. Again there's a bright flash of white light, and Bob finds himself standing naked, waist-deep in raw sewage, with a cup of coffee in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other. He takes a sip of the coffee expecting the worst, but finds it's exactly the way he likes it and is delicious. He then takes a drag of the cigarette, and finds it to be quite pleasant and soothing. When he finishes the cigarette, another instantly appears between his fingers, already lit. When he finishes the coffee, the cup is instantly refilled. He begins to examine his new surroundings and, except for the smell, decides Room 3 is definitely preferable over the other two as a way to spend eternity. He begins to wander around, pushing his way through the waist-deep raw sewage, examining his new surroundings and the people he's imprisoned with, when he hears a booming voice say, "Okay, coffee break's over. Everyone back on their hands and knees."