Clean Jokes

[jamespowers]

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook-up your telephone."

 

[jamespowers]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

 

[Zombie_61]

A blind man walks into a bar with his service dog. The dog leads him to the center of the bar then stops, at which time the blind man grabs the dog by the tail and starts swinging it around. The bartender runs up and asks, "What do you think you're doing?" The blind man replies, "I'm just looking around."

 

[Trapped in T-wilight Zone]

I just discovered this thread two nights ago, and have read the whole thing. Some really wonderful and tremendously funny stuff there. I needed a few good laughs (boy did I NEED a good laugh) and found it here.
Thank you to all of you.


My famous bad joke;

Say! Did you hear about the fellow that inherited a mansion full of clocks?
He spent the rest of his life winding up the estate!

Maybe in a day or two I will tell a better one? I mean, what do you expect from an insomniac with a migraine at 3:15 am
Again. thanks all!

 

[jamespowers]

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's okay, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
"Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing a tank top with short white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy replies, "It doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

 

[jamespowers]

A husband and wife who are avid golfers have been happily married for 30 years, and on the day of their 30th anniversary they enjoy a wonderful day together. They have a delicious breakfast in bed, then proceed to one of their favorite golf courses. They play through to the 9th hole, both having an amazing game. The husband watches his beautiful wife tee off and feels a rush of emotion and guilt.
"Honey, I have to tell you something. At the very beginning of our marriage, I was with another woman. It only happened once and I've been faithful ever since. It was a mistake and I hope you can forgive me."
The wife looks fondly at him. "I forgive you. We've had a very happy life together. I love you."
The husband is so relieved, feeling light as a feather. They play a few more holes in bliss when suddenly the wife turns to her husband.
"Honey, I too have something to confess."
The husband smiles and says, "Anything dear - you were so gracious to me, and we can make it through anything."
"Before we met, I had an operation. I used to be a man."
The husband throws his club down and starts swearing and kicking up turf.
The wife is in shock. "But I forgave you for your secret!"
The husband, red faced, turns to her and says, "All these years! All these years you've been teeing off from the ladies tee box you cheater!!"

 

[HoosierDaddy]

A North Carolina State Trooper pulled a car over on US 301 about 2 miles south of the Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus in Emporia. He didn't want to be late.


The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Tennessee got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way in hell I can pass that test.”

 

[jamespowers]

A North Carolina State Trooper pulled a car over on US 301 about 2 miles south of the Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus in Emporia. He didn't want to be late.


The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Tennessee got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way in hell I can pass that test.”

:rofl: Good one!

 

[jamespowers]

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one. Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den.
The man starts screaming, "HELP!! HELP!!!"
Suddenly a lion pounces on him from behind and whispers in his ear, "If you don't shut up you're going to get us both fired."

 

[jamespowers]

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted.
"I've got a 20 year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!
He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

 

[Benny Holiday]

These are getting better and better!

 

[rocketeer]

My favourite (Clean)joke

Two cannibals eating a clown, one says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

[jamespowers]

A married man, Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after a night out drinking with the boys. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son… what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after three in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw-up in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, " So, why is your mother in such a good mood, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, when Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married! I'm married!'"

 

[jamespowers]

So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he"ll be there in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.
"What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.", says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.
"What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."

 

[Stearmen]

We were talking about Fokker's on another thread, here is a great joke on the subject! [video=youtube;-8Yf5B6GbYk]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8Yf5B6GbYk[/video]

 

[jamespowers]

Two Guys Are Hunting In The Woods.
One of them spots a hole in the ground that looks unusually deep. He picks up a rock and throws it in the hole, and never hears it hit the bottom.

"Try something heavier", the other man suggests. They find a rusty old anvil nearby, pick it up and throw it down the hole. Five seconds later a goat comes speeding toward the hole and falls in.
"What the hell was that?", one of the men say.
Just then another man runs up and says, "Please, have you seen my goat anywhere?!"
"Yes", they reply. "We just saw him run this way and jump into this hole!"
The man says, "That's impossible. I had him tied to an anvil."

 

[jamespowers]

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"
The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"

 

[GHT]

A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘pen*s.’

Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!

 

[GHT]

It's Saint Patrick's day and an armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the man without hesitation.

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Did anyone else see my face?" screams the robber.

There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think me wife here may have caught a glimpse."

 

[Zombie_61]

A man is walking home late one night after an unusually long work shift. Just after he passes the local cemetery he hears a noise behind him, and turns to see he's being followed by a coffin. Startled, he increases his pace in an attempt to put some distance between himself and the coffin, but the coffin increases it's pace as well. The man continues to increase his pace until he's nearly at a full run, and turns to see the coffin still matching his pace. He finally arrives at home, enters, and closes and locks the front door behind him. Satisfied he's now safe, he gets halfway up the stairs when he hears a loud crash behind him, and turns to see the coffin has broken through the front door. Thinking quickly, he continues up the stairs, enters the upstairs bathroom, and searches through the medicine cabinet. He finally finds a bottle of cough syrup just as the coffin is breaking through the bathroom door. He turns to face the coffin, takes a big swig of the cough syrup, and the coffin stops.



Sound it out, I'll wait.