Clean Jokes

[LizzieMaine]

These three guys marry three women. One of the gals is from Missouri, one is from Georgia, and one is from Maine. A few months after the weddings, the three guys get together in a bar to share experiences.

The guy who married the girl from Georgia says "Well, I tell ya, it's great. I sez to her on our weddin' night, 'When I come home I wanna see the house cleaned, the washin' done, and I wanna see a meal on the table.' Well, it took her a couple days but now when I come home I see the house cleaned, the washin' done, and a meal on the table."

The guy who married the girl from Missouri says "I said the same thing. I says 'I want to see the house cleaned, the clothes washed, and a meal on the table.' Took her a little longer to come around, but I got home after the first week, and the house was spotless, the clothes all folded and put away, and the best meal I ever saw was right on the table."

The guy who married the girl from Maine says, "I said to my wife, 'You need to clean the house, you need to do the laundry, and you need to get me a full meal every night. That's just how it's going to be.' Well, the first week I didn't see anything. The second week I didn't see anything. But the third week the swelling had gone down enough that I was able to see a little bit."

 

[nice hat dude!]

Ok last one I promise,3 strings standing in front of a bar 1st string walks in orders a drink barkeep tells him we don't serve strings turns and leaves,2nd string walks into the bar same thing gets told they don't serve strings, comes back out to his 2 buddies tells them what happened,3rd string messes himself all up walks into the bar orders a drink barkeep comes over and says to him I told your 2 friends we don't serve strings in here aren't you a string 3rd string says.......fraid not(frayed knot)...groan....aren't you glad it's the last one(haha)

 

[jamespowers]

Geez! I completely forgot about this thread and it has gone on for 8 long years now. That is great. Ok, now I have to add something.

How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his dinner before it was cool.

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”

 

[C44Antelope]

I heard this on the Grand Ole Opry (Not always the best place to hear new jokes, but I thought this one was good.)

the joke...
Thanks to the World Wide Web 2 unlikely criminals met up and planned a heist. One was a student from the University of Florida, the other was a student from the University of Tennessee. The plan was to both drive to a small town south of Atlanta & rob a bank. When they took off in opposite directions, they were sure the cops would be confused, at worst, one of them should get away. But, the bank guard had a heart attack & died due to the excitement of the arrest. Then the 2 bank-robbers were caught by the local police while in the process of splitting the haul.

Years later as they sat on death row the warden of the prison came to each of the bank robbers and explained that their latest request for a pardon had been refused. They would go to the gas chamber at midnight. He then said, I can offer you each one last request. The Volunteer said "Could you play Rocky Top on the loudspeaker for me?" The warden said it could be arranged. He then turned to the Gator, who asked "Can you take me to the gas chamber before you fire up the sound system?"

(It sounded funnier than it reads.)
(They gave me a chihuahua?)- that one WAS funny

 

[Dixon Cannon]

A British gamekeeper is sure he heard a shot not far off so he goes to investigate.

A poacher has just shot a goose and is in the process of field dressing him before he bags him.
He catches a glimpse of the game keeper coming up over the bank of the river, so’s he quickly tosses the bird in the water and put his foot on the pile of feathers. The bird bobs in the shallows along the shore.

The gamekeeper, sure he’s caught ‘im a poacher red-handed calls out, “Hey you! Watcha doin’ with that bird there?”

Quick on his wit’s the poacher calls back, “Oh ‘im? He’s just in for swim - I’m minded ‘is clothes!”

(Ah thank you! Thank you very much!) -dixon cannon

 

[Mr Lilleythorpe]

Protons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic.

 

[Mr Lilleythorpe]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One asks, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

 

[jamespowers]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”


All the passengers are seated on a plane out on the tarmac and the stewardess announces “we’re just waiting for the pilots.”. The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke. The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it’s takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves. In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says “you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die!”

 

[nice hat dude!]

3 elderly gents were sitting on a park bench when a pretty girl in a miniskirt walks by,1st gent says I'd sure like
to kiss her,2nd gent says I'd sure like to kiss her and hug her,3rd gent says I'd sure like to kiss her,hug her and
what else did we use to do?

 

[jamespowers]

3 elderly gents were sitting on a park bench when a pretty girl in a miniskirt walks by,1st gent says I'd sure like
to kiss her,2nd gent says I'd sure like to kiss her and hug her,3rd gent says I'd sure like to kiss her,hug her and
what else did we use to do?

:rofl: Yep, the memory is always the second thing to go.

 

[jamespowers]

Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.
Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.
The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps.
After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.:eeek::eusa_doh:

 

[jamespowers]

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

 

[nice hat dude!]

:rofl: Yep, the memory is always the second thing to go.

Some nights this isn't a bad thing...(haha)

 

[nice hat dude!]

Old guy walking through the care facility where he's a resident,repeating over and over my penis is dead,my penis is dead.Nurse comes up and ask what the problem was,old gent repeats himself again,nurse assures him that he'll be fine.Next day nurse sees the old guy walking through the facility with his pants around his ankles runs up to him and ask what's going on?old guy says............today is the viewing.
Sorry if this one's a little risque

 

[jamespowers]

Some nights this isn't a bad thing...(haha)

:rofl: You might have a point there.

 

[nice hat dude!]

Yuppie cruising in California one day in his convertible BMW,arm hanging out the window stereo blasting,Oakleys on you get the picture.Anyway a car blows through an intersection in front of him and t-bones him,police on scene yuppie saying over and over my Beamer my Beamer, cop looks at him and says I wouldn't be worried about your car your arm was hanging out of the window at the same time yuppie looks down at his mangled arm and starts screaming.....my Rolex my Rolex

 

[Dixon Cannon]

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a guy on a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.


'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.
I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream!
Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

-dixon cannon

 

[nice hat dude!]

Old ranch couple out at a bull sale see a pen with a bull and a sign saying the bull bred 24 cows last year,the old lady gives the old man a nudge and says you see that twice a month for a year.The old man just says yes dear,walk a little farther another pen with another bull,sign says bull bred 52 cows last year,the old lady damn near knocks the wind out of the husband and says you see that once a week for a whole year,the old guy says yes dear,walk some more another pen and another bull,sign says bull bred 365 cows last year,the wife almost breaks the old mans ribcage and says once a day for a year you see that.The old guy says dear you see that guy over there he's the owner of this bull go and ask him if the bull bred the same damn cow everyday!!

 

[nice hat dude!]

Subject: FW: Chicken Gun
To:







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Chicken Gun






Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!


Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.


British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.


When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.


The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S scientists for suggestions.





NASA responded with a one-line memo --





"Defrost the chicken." (True Story)










No virus found in this message.
Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
Version: 2013.0.2793 / Virus Database: 2629/5905 - Release Date: 11/19/12

 

[jamespowers]

Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!


Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.


British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.


When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.


The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S scientists for suggestions.





NASA responded with a one-line memo --





"Defrost the chicken." (True Story)

I had seen that one before but it is still funny.