Clean Jokes

[1961MJS]

Hi

Personally, I go through ammo like a knife through butter. I have several friends that are more on the hoarder type. One buys 5K rounds for each gun when he buys it, then shoots say 50 rounds through it. If the Feds EVER decide to confiscate everything they're going to all die of massive hernia's at this dude's house.

I buy 5K rounds for a .22LR, then I have to buy more next year...

later

 

[rue]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After
sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna
hear a blonde joke? The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, Before you tell
that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind,
that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight
lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that
blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

 

[Atticus Finch]

A redhead goes into the doctor's office and tells the doctor that every place on her body hurts. So as to add emphasis, she uses her right index finger and touches herself on her arm, on her leg, on her head and on her foot. "Everyplace", she exclaims, "Everyplace I touch hurts!"

The doctor examines her for a while and finally asks if she is a natural redhead. She hangs her head a bit and admits to him, no, she's actually a natural blond. "Yes", he says, "That makes sense."

The doctor waits a moment and then says, "Well, the good news is that you're generally in excellent heath."

"The bad news is that your finger is broken."

AF

 

[Miss Moonlight]

It is most irritating to see the extent to which political correctness pervades every aspect of life...

And it is saddening to realize that one vintage thing that sorely misses in these days, is the freedom to express oneself without worrying about which minority will take offence for whatever is said or done - whether it is a joke, or the simple truth.

There have always been people who would tell jokes without care of the subject matter, and there will always be people who'd perhaps consider the audience first in case it should cause hurt, and there will always be some who won't tell offensive jokes at all. It's not necessarily PC to be a respectful person. It's not a vintage thing to not be or to be. It's very individual. In my mom's family in the past you would *never* hear an off color or race-based joke. In my dad's you would have. All in the same eras.

My favorite clean jokes are all so silly, I'm pretty sure they can be told to second graders. Like the joke about complimentary peanuts.

Man walks into a bar, sits down, orders a beer.

He grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter while he's waiting, and as he starts to chew he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"

Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone near him who could've been speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.

Next he hears a voice, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"

He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.

A little wierded out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"

He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look -- What's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??"

Bartender says, "Oh, those are just the complimentary peanuts."

 

[Atticus Finch]

A redhead is driving down a county road and sees a blonde sitting in a rowboat out in the middle of a green, grassy cow pasture. The redhead stops and hollers over the pasture fence to the blonde, “Hey, girl, what are you doing in that boat?” “Rowing!” answers the blonde. Dumbfounded, the redhead hollers, “Dang, woman, does it surprise you that most folks think blondes are dumb?” “Blondes aint’t dumb!” screams the blonde. “And if I could swim, I’d come over there and kick your redheaded ass for saying that!”

AF

 

[lolly_loisides]

What's the difference between ignorance & apathy?
Who knows? Who cares?

 

[davidraphael]

What's the difference between ignorance & apathy?
Who knows? Who cares?

nice.

What the hell is an agoraphobic when it's at home?

(not sure if the 'when it's at home' idiom works in the US)

 

[Chas]

A Canadian, an American and a Scotsman go on vacation together. They rent a car and go for a drive- the driver loses control of the car and they slam into a huge tree.

There is a brilliant white flash of light and they see the pearly gates with an old man sitting in front of the gates, poring over a ledger. They look at each other, shrug their shoulders and approach him.

"New arrivals, I see. I am St. Peter. Please give me your names and birth dates." They do so.

after flipping through his ledger, St. Peter has this crestfallen expression..."Oh, darn. There was a mistake. You're not supposed to die yet. Under regulations, I can't take you in, and they won't take you into Hell either. So I have no choice but to send you back. I do, however, have to charge you $20 for a processing fee."

The American brightens up immediately and digs $20 out of his wallet and pays St. Peter.

There is another brilliant white flash of light and the American finds himself in a field, the paramedics working feverishly to revive him. When they see that he is practically unhurt, they are amazed and ask him what happened. He replies, "well....we died, then we were at the gates of Heaven and St. Peter said we could come back if we gave him $20."

"what happened then?" replied the paramedic.

"Well....the last thing I remember was that the Scotsman was trying to haggle St. Peter down to a lower price and the Canadian was loudly demanding that the government should pay for it..."

 

[V.C. Brunswick]

A redneck with a bucket of fish near a stream is caught by a wildlife officer. The officer says, "You're under arrest for being over the limit."

"But those are my fish, I bring them here once a week and let them swim around. When I whistle they jump back into the bucket and we go home." The officer says "This I've got to see. Release them and have them come back." The redneck dumps the fish in the stream and officer says "O.K. now get 'em back!"

"Get what back?

"The fish!" says the officer.

"What fish?"

Moral of the story: Never mess with a redneck!

 

[Atticus Finch]

Speaking of fish...

What did the fish say when he ran into a concrete wall?

"Dam."

AF

 

[Kirk H.]

A man who is tired of his nagging wife goes to see his friend Artie who is a professional Hit man. He says “Artie, I cannot stand my wife. I want to pay you to kill her.” Artie tells him “Man, I hate your wife more than you do. I will do the job for free.” The man says “Artie, I just can’t do that on principle. I have to pay you something.” Artie looks at him tells him that he will do it for one dollar. They both agree and shake hands.
The next day Artie goes to the man’s house while he is at work and rings the door bell. The man’s wife answers the door and Artie strangles her. Just as he is finishing up, the maid walks up and screams. Artie then strangles her. As he is finishing up the butler comes up to see why the maid scream and Artie is forced to strangle him too. Artie then runs away and is arrested a few hours later.


The next day’s headlines read “ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR”

 

[Espee]

Goodman Ace told this one, or something like it:
As an advertising gimmick, a large clock was installed on top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. But the next time the government surveyors made an inspection, they found that the weight of the big clock was causing the Leaning Tower to straighten up!
So now that they had the time, they no longer had the inclination...

 

[Espee]

Goodman Ace also said his wife Jane tried to prompt him to re-tell that joke when they had company-- saying, right in front of everyone, "Tell the one about Now that they have the time, they don't have the inclination."
A bit like Miss Moonlight did above, with the Complimentary Peanuts joke!

 

[Espee]

nice.

What the hell is an agoraphobic when it's at home?

(not sure if the 'when it's at home' idiom works in the US)

Does that idiom connect to George Harrison's line in A Hard Day's Night? "And who is this 'Susan,' when she's at home?"

 

[derrickyoung]

Advice for a Scottish Wife
A woman goes to her Doctor in Glesgae, worried about her husband’s temper and threatening manner.

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?

The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinnae know wot ta do. Every time ma auld man comes home pished, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
She says: "Doctor that was a effin brilliant! Evrae time ma auld man came home pished, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!

Tell me Doc....wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all…it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

 

[Espee]

That Scottish Wife joke has a short parallel, which I heard in a stand-up act--
WIFE: "Have you considered taking an Anger Management Class?"
HUSBAND: "Have YOU considered taking an Anger PREVENTION Class?"

 

[Saint-Just]

Not sure this totally qualifies as "clean", but it is the sort of humour I enjoy and wanted to share.
Those 2 (Armstrong and Miller) have a lot more to offer if you browse the tube selection

[video=youtube;teYdynxxZKs]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teYdynxxZKs[/video]

 

[rocketeer]

My favourite, I'm sure its a Tommy Cooper joke.

Two cannibals eating a clown, one says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

A dog applies for job in an international bank.
The interviewer asks the dog. "Are you computer literate?" In 2 minutes the dog has presented a Word document and an Exel spreadsheet for inspection.
"Very Good" says the interviewer. Then asks "Can you use a telephone?" For quickness the dog dials the speaking clock.
"Most importantly are you bilingual?"
The dog looks blankly at the interviewer, then mutters....... "Meow"

Sorry they are the best I can do

 

[RichardH]

Not sure this totally qualifies as "clean", but it is the sort of humour I enjoy and wanted to share.
Those 2 (Armstrong and Miller) have a lot more to offer if you browse the tube selection

[video=youtube;teYdynxxZKs]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teYdynxxZKs[/video]

I like the ones where they are two RAF pilots talking like chavs or something. Hilarious!

 

[Saint-Just]

There are many very good RAFs but I was not sure the language would pass muster on this thread