Clean Jokes

[Benny Holiday]

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid . . . then I was petrified . . .


A friend of mine recently admitted that he was addicted to drinking brake fluid. When I asked him about it, he assured me that he could stop anytime.


My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her brithday, so I went to the pet shop in town and saw that they were $70! Forget that, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


My neighbour came knocking on my door last night at 2:30am - can you believe that??? 2:30 in the morning! Just as well I was still up practising my bagpipes.

 

[jamespowers]

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

[Lynx]

A grandfather is pleased to take his grandson out to the golf range with him on his weekly game. The boy was excited as he gets to hang out with grandpa and ride with him in his fancy new Cadillac.

On the way to the course the grandson asked about every little switch in the car with amazement. When they arrived at the golf course they exit the car and went to the trunk to get grandpa's golf clubs out; and grandpa also picks up a bag of tees out of the trunk and puts them in his bag.

The young grandson curiously asks his grandpa "what are those and what are they for?"
The grandpa replies," these are tees; they are for putting you balls on when driving."
The boy looks up at his grandpa and replies in amazement, " Gee grandpa, the people at Cadillac sure think of everything!"

(replace with car make of your choice)

 

[Lynx]

A guy strips down completely and wraps his mid section with a roll of saran wrap and then walks in to a shrink; standing there, the shrink looks at him and says "Well...... I can clearly see you're nuts"

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what type of Bees make milk?








(boobies)


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The dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac will often stay up late and ponder if there really is a dog.

 

[Lynx]

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.
The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.
The second guy wishes the same.
The third guy says “I’m lonely.
I wish my friends were back here.”

 

[Benny Holiday]

The young grandson curiously asks his grandpa "what are those and what are they for?"
The grandpa replies," these are tees; they are for putting you balls on when driving."
The boy looks up at his grandpa and replies in amazement, " Gee grandpa, the people at Cadillac sure think of everything!"

(replace with car make of your choice)

Hahaha! That's a ripper Lynx!


A man comes home drunk, and his wife demands to know where he's been. "I've been to this amazing bar!" he slurred. "It's called the Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden! They have a big golden door, golden floors - they even have a golden urinal!"

"I don't believe it," his wife said, but she found a receipt from the place in his pocket the next day and called the number.

"Hello, is this the Golden Saloon?" she asked.

"Yes it is," the bartender said.

"Do you have golden doors and golden floors?"

"We sure do."

"What about golden urinals?" the wife inquired.

There was a long silence and then she heard the bartender yell, "Hey Steve, I think I know who peed in your saxophone last night!"

 

[nice hat dude!]

A recently divorced gent is walking down the beach kicking sand all of a sudden he spots a lantern gives it a rub
and sure enough a genie appears the genie say I grant you 3 wishes but whatever you wish for your ex wife gets double.So the guy says I wish I had 10 million dollars genie says fine but now your ex has 20 million,guy says I wish to have a 20 room mansion on this beach whoosh up goes a 20 room mansion and right beside it up goes a 40 room mansion,genie asks what would you like for your last wish.....................guy says I wish you would beat me half to death.(you ever wonder why they never ask for a bunch more wishes or more lanterns?)

 

[nice hat dude!]

Are we ever going to get sick of these Magic Lantern jokes?A truck driver finds a lantern gives it a rub and poof
a genie appears.The genie tells the trucker that due to the way things are with the economy that he can not grant the customary 3 wishes that now you only get 1,so the trucker thinks for a bit and says ok I've always wanted to go Hawaii but I'm scared of flying and I don't like boats either I wish you would build me a bridge so I could drive there.The genie gets out a pen and some paper starts doing some calculations and he's humming and hawing about 45 minutes go by and the genie asks the trucker if maybe there would be something else instead that he could wish for,the trucker sayssure I wish I could understand women better,how they think,what make them tick so the genie says...............................that bridge 2 lane or 4(haha)

 

[jamespowers]

Dan hated dogs, he hated them with a passion. One morning Dan was driving his car down a busy street when to his surprise he saw ahead of him a fellow running full force with 2 big dogs after him. “ I’ve just got to save this guy”, thought Dan, and with that he quickly sped up along side of him, rolled down his window, and screamed “hurry, hop in!” “Thanks!” said the fellow opening the door, “it’s always hard for me to get a ride when I have my two dogs with me!”

 

[jamespowers]

An Octogenarian moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told everyone scheduled to play was already out on the course. He was so disappointed, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap.

The 80 year old said, "I really don't need a handicap. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

They both played well. Coming into the par three 18th they were even. The pro had a nice drive to mid-fairway and would be able to get on the green with the next stroke and then putt for a par with the following play.

The old man hit a long drive, and the ball landed in one of the two sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap on his second stroke, he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled right into the hole!

The Assistant Pro was stunned. "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps."

"I do," replied the octogenarian. "Give me a hand."

 

[nice hat dude!]

2 Newfs are going moose hunting to a fly out camp,pilot meets them at the dock and the Newfs are just pissed
drunk pilot asks them if they're sure they want to go as hunting can be dangerous.Newfs say of course boy wees gotta get da meat fer da winter,so the pilot tells them to load up.They get out to the camp and pilot asks them again if they still want to be there as he doesn't come back for a week Newfs tell him its ok so he takes off and leaves them.A week later pilot shows up and the Newfs are ready to go back and they each have a moose so they start loading up but the pilot tells them that the plane can't handle the weight of all their gear and both moose,well the Newfs start getting mad and start calling the pilot down telling him that the pilot last year could do it why can't you and wees not gonna pay for an extra trip,the pilot not wanting to be out done by the competition gives in and says ok load everything up.They start heading down the lake in the plane just get it off the water and slam into a mountain,the pilot comes to a little while later and asks one of the Newfs where they are Newf replies........................."about 50 feet farther than we made it last year"

 

[Dixon Cannon]

His name was Ole, he was from North Dakota ... And he needed a loan.

So... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International

redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security
for the loan, so the Dakotan handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The
car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

Ole produced the title and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and
apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at
Ole from ND for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a
$5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private
underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, Ole returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest
of $23.07.

The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from The University of North Dakota, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world.

Your investments include a large number of oil wells around Williston, ND.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car
for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Ole'!

 

[jamespowers]

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold. An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

 

[nice hat dude!]

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold. An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

That's good!!

 

[nice hat dude!]

A young lad from(pick a state)is taking his road test for his Truck Driver license,the instructor tells him part of his test is verbal so he asks him if you top a hill start coming down and at the bottom there is a jack knifed flat deck what do you do? The young guy thinks for a minute then says I'd reach into the sleeper and wake up my partner.The instructor ask him why he would do that at such a time? the young lad says................cause Leroy ain't never seen a wreck like we're gonna have.

 

[nice hat dude!]

3 people are at the immigration office,the immigration officer tells them that there is a new procedure that now part of the process is you have to know something about our customs so I'm going to ask each of you a question.He asks the 1st person what Valentines day is about.guy says oh that's when you put on costumes and go house to house getting candy,immigration officer informs him this is wrong and he'd have to return to his own country and learn a little more about Canada.He asks the 2nd person what Christmas was about,guy says oh that's when you wear green,drink beer and sing Irish songs,again immigration officer tells him this is wrong and he'll need to go back to his own country and study a little more Canada culture.He asks the 3rd person what Easter is about,the guy says oh that's when Jesus died on the cross and they put him in a tomb, the immigration officer was very impressed and ask him what happened next............the guys says after 3 daysthey rolled the rock away and he saw his shadow and said there'd be 6 more weeks of winter!!

 

[nice hat dude!]

Again I would like to apologize to anyone that I may have offended with some of these jokes that I've posted this
was never my intention and have since removed any that may have been to risque for this thread..Thanks

Sincerely Bob Kirschman

 

[nice hat dude!]

Everyone has heard of Little Johnny well in Canada we have Little Pierre,anyway the kids are all in English class
at school and the teacher asks them to give her story with the word Ozonol in it.So Sally says that she was riding her bike and fell off and scraped her leg and her mom put Ozonol and a bandage on it and made it better, Teacher says very good Sally.Billy says that he got a bad sunburn and his Mom put Ozonol on his back and it stopped stinging,Teacher says very good Billy.Well Little Pierre says(done in your best french accent) me and my dad we're big hockey fan and we were watching the Stanley Cup last night and it was tie 2 to 2 for Montreal and it was the last game and my Mom tooked out the vacuum and started to vacuum the floor,well my Dad say if you don't shut that thing off I'm going to shove it up your @#% Ozonol !!

I hate to have to write this but please don't get upset I know it's not perfectly clean but it is funny and jokes are strictly for a little humor now and then,they're not meant to upset anyone.
Sincerely Bob Kirschman

 

[DeaconKC]

An older gent decides to start dating again, so he gets all spruced up. New sport coat, silk tie, etc. Goes to a place known for older singles and sees a lovely, elegant lady there. He walks up and says, "Excuse me lovely lady, but do I come here often?"

 

[nice hat dude!]

NASCAR=Non Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks
FIAT=Funny Italian Attempt at Technology
NAVY=Never Again Volunteer Yourself
COMPUTER=Capable Of Making Uncomplicated Tasks Extremely Rigorous
PMS=Potential Murder Suspect
PMS=Pass My Shotgun
PMS=Psychotic Mood Shifts
HONDA=Hold On Not Done Accelerating
TOYOTA=The One You Ought To Avoid