Clean Jokes

[Trenchfriend]

A japanese delegation visits GDR.
On the last day, the hosts ask the delegation, what pleased them especially.
"Your great museums, Pergamon, Robotron, Pentacon!"

 

[drmaxtejeda]

/

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[GHT]

/

Definitely a case of being henpecked.

 

[Bamaboots]

 

[Bamaboots]

 

[drmaxtejeda]

I didn't like the tone with which you said "I do"

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[3fingers]

^^^ And at that moment, all of the ignored red flags from the past three years flashed before his eyes.

 

[GHT]

Seventy-year-old George went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said: "But you know Doctor, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said: "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."
Thelma exclaimed: "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies. He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

 

[drmaxtejeda]

^^^ And at that moment, all of the ignored red flags from the past three years flashed before his eyes.

So you've been there too, huh?

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[3fingers]

So you've been there too, huh?

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Indeed. I like to think all of these years later that I learned better judgement from the experience.

 

[drmaxtejeda]

Indeed. I like to think all of these years later that I learned better judgement from the experience.

Well, I didn't really. The only reason I was succesful on my third try was sheer dumb luck.

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[HoosierDaddy]

 

[HoosierDaddy]

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

 

[HoosierDaddy]

 

[HoosierDaddy]

 

[Lean'n'mean]

I broke a record. I managed to finish a puzzle in 15 days when it said 3-5 years on the box.

A couple of newly weds in bed & the husband asked his wife;
" How many lovers have you had before me?"
After a long silence the husband whispers;
" Darling, are you asleep ?"
" Shhh" replied the woman, " I'm counting."

What do men & clouds have in common ?
When they go away it's usually a nice day.

A teacher asked a pupil; " Does your father help you with your homework ?
" No, Replied the pupil," he does it all by himself."

3 people are walking in the street, one is wearing a trench coat, another an anorak & the third has an umbrella...... who gets the wettist ?
-None of them....I didn't say it was raining !

According to a recent survey, women who put on weight live longer than men who mention it.

A lady goes into a pharmacy & says, " I'd like some acetyisalicylic acid please."
" Don't you mean aspirin ?" asked the pharmacist.
" Oh, yes, that's it," replied the lady, " I couldn't remember the name."

A man was trying to hammer a nail into a wall when his wife came over & said;
" You know, you remind me of lightening "
" Because I'm quick ? " asked the man.
" No," Replied the woman, " because you never strike in the same place twice."

A man goes to a garage & says, " Can you fix a flat tyre ?.. I drove over a glass bottle."
"Didn't you see it ?" asked the garagist.
"No," replied the man, " It was in the guy's pocket."

 

[Artifex]

Q: Have you met Sally?
A: No, I don't think so, but the name rings a bell.

 

[GHT]

An Triumph GT6 driver pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at the traffic lights.
"Do you have a car phone?" he asked the man in the Rolls.
"Of course I do," was the haughty reply.
"Do you have a fax machine?"
The Rolls driver sighed. "I have that too."
"Do you have a double bed in the back?" the GT6 driver wanted to know. Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off.
That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his car.
A week later, the Rolls driver passed the same GT6, parked on the side of the road with its back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulled over, got out of the Rolls and banged on the GT6's rear window. "I want you to know that I've had a double bed installed," bragged the Rolls driver.
The GT6 driver rolled his window down and frowned at the Rolls driver. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

Five surgeons are taking a coffee break...
1st surgeon: "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon: "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd surgeon: "Try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."
4th surgeon: "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
5th surgeon who has been quitely listening to the conversation: "I like British car restorers... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

 

[Vera Godfrey]

Why are frogs so happy?


They eat what bugs them


Terrible, I know

 

[BobHufford]

I was addicted to soap ... now I'm clean.