Clean Jokes

[drmaxtejeda]

Hi! I'm the guy who bought the Krazy Glue yesterday.

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[drmaxtejeda]

"My grandfather lived to be 104 years old. He smoked two packs of cigarettes per day, drank a bottle of whisky every night, and ate sea food three times per week.
We had to kill him, because his upkeep was just too expensive".

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[Artifex]

This is amusing, but you have to read it with an East Midlands accent. (I've no idea who wrote it, sadly.)

Wen Ernie Dunn wor still alahve,
Folks sed eh wor noh good.
But nair ehs ded, theev changed thi tune,
Ees cawled 'misundahstoud'.

But Ernie Dunn can ear em not,
Ees climbed the gowden steer,
Tstan befoor t'gowden geet,
An thunders, 'Oppen theer!'

'Wot dost tha wannt?", Sut. Peteh sez,
'Wy dust tha ma'e that din?'
'Arm Ernie Dunn,' Owd Joe Dunn's soun',
'Tha'd besta let mey in!'

Sut. Peteh shouk is oary yed,
An tonned as if ter goo:
'Noh Dunn can enter ere, milad.
Thee op it - dairn beloo.'

'Ark 'ere, owd chap," sez Ernie Dunn,
'Thi face is naace an kind.
Thee tek a lowk in t'gowden bowk:
Ah'm sure tha'll change thi mind.'

'Well jus to plais thi,' Peteh sez,
'Ahrll go an lowk in t' bowk.
Bi gorranbah warah've 'eerd o' thee,
Ah'm 'fraid tha's airt o' luck.'

Sut. Peteh wentah lowk in t' bowk,
'E thowt owd Dunn'd weet.
Wen 'e com back, owd Dunn wor gone,
Ant so were t' gowden geet!

 

[HoosierDaddy]

I have no idea what is being said in that poem.

 

[Artifex]

I have no idea what is being said in that poem.

I may help to read it aloud.

Bear in mind that some parts of England still (barely) use the traditional third-person singular forms. (e.g. Thou dost = You do). Haitches are frequently dropped, too.

 

[Zombie_61]

I have no idea what is being said in that poem.

The short boring version is that a ne'er-do-well named Ernie Dunn dies and goes to heaven, but St. Peter refuses to let him in. Ernie convinces St. Peter to take another look in the Book of Life, and...well, here are the last four lines translated into more common English:

"St. Peter went to look in the book,
He thought old Dunn would wait.
When he came back, old Dunn was gone
And so were the Golden Gates."

 

[Bamaboots]

 

[GHT]

 

[Benny Holiday]

I like that poem Artifex, my paternal grandparents were from Yorkshire's West Riding so I got a laugh out of that!

 

[Bamaboots]

 

[Frunobulax]

 

[3fingers]

^^^ I went to our little post office the other day and when I opened the box it was empty. I mentioned to the postmistress that I got airmail today. It was a hand grenade joke. I pulled the pin and tossed it, but nothing happened. Oh well, they're not all funny. A bit later while we were discussing something else she suddenly laughed and said "there's nothing but air in there". The grenade finally went off.

 

[GHT]

 

[drmaxtejeda]

True

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[HoosierDaddy]

1. I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

 

[HoosierDaddy]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

 

[Benny Holiday]

True

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This is gold! hahahahahahaha!

 

[Bamaboots]

 

[GHT]

 

[HoosierDaddy]