Clean Jokes

[GHT]

Guilty!

View attachment 164324

Oh yes, the two most abundant elements in the universe: Hydrogen and stupidity. (Harlan Ellison or Frank Zappa)

 

[Artifex]

The whole world should be concerned if North Korea develops a rocket that can reach New York.
If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

Would that would wake up the city, that doesn't sleep, and make Kim Jong Il, top of the heap?

 

[GHT]

Would that would wake up the city, that doesn't sleep, and make Kim Jong Il, top of the heap?

Don't worry about it. China has warned North Korea about starting a war. China told them flat out, 'Do not fire any missiles at the United States, at least not until after we've got our money. They owe us $16 trillion. Wait until then.'

 

[BobHufford]

 

[drmaxtejeda]

View attachment 164503

Hahaha. To FB it goes, Bob.

Sent from my LG-H870 using Tapatalk

 

[Benny Holiday]

I was so bored today I memorised five pages out of the dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

 

[Benny Holiday]

It cost me $200 to hire a limo for my daughter's school formal only to find out that doesn't include a driver.
I can't believe it cost me that much with nothing to chauffeur it.

 

[Artifex]

I was so bored today I memorised five pages out of the dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

I've always found embracing people difficult and confusing, so I got a book about it called "How to Hug". On closer inspection, I realised it was just volume twelve of the Encylopaedia Britannica.

 

[Bamaboots]

 

[Zombie_61]

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Stephen.

Not a joke - for about 12-13 years I worked with a wonderful older gent named Richard Dickie whose first name was, of course, shortened to the rather common nickname "Dick"; he swore he was a coxswain when he was in the Navy.

 

[EngProf]

Not a joke - for about 12-13 years I worked with a wonderful older gent named Richard Dickie whose first name was, of course, shortened to the rather common nickname "Dick"; he swore he was a coxswain when he was in the Navy.

Also not a joke, but it seems like one:
There was an article in the local paper about a small-town mayor in the vicinity named "Richard Head". A politician named "Richard Head"...

(I can't imagine the teasing he experienced growing up.)

 

[GHT]

Also not a joke, but it seems like one:
There was an article in the local paper about a small-town mayor in the vicinity named "Richard Head". A politician named "Richard Head"...

(I can't imagine the teasing he experienced growing up.)

When the talented Dutch actor arrived in America, he took his impressive résumé along to a theatrical agent. The agent said that he was sure that he could get the actor work, but being an English speaking country, the actor would have to change his name. Penis Van Lesbian would not go down well with English speaking audiences. The actor was incandescent with rage. How dare this man, this agent, this nobody, question his heritage? He stormed out of the door.

Fifty years later, the agent, who had been trying to retire for the last twenty years, was sitting in his office opening his mail. Out of one envelope dropped a cheque, payable to him, the sum of $100,000. Inside the envelope was a note which read:
"Fifty years ago I came to you from Europe, hoping to find work. You said that you thought my talent would get me a lot of good parts, but you suggested that I change my name. I'm sorry to say that the red mist came down and in a rage, I stormed out of your office. When my blood pressure went down, I thought about what you had said and realised that you were right. But pride prevented me from admitting to you that I was wrong, so I found another agent. I also took your sensible advice. Please accept this gift as a token of my eternal gratitude."
Yours sincerely
Dick Van Dyke.

 

[HoosierDaddy]

I thought this thread topic was 'clean jokes'.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

I thought this thread topic was 'clean jokes'.

On the assumption you may be referring to one of my posts HoosierDaddy, I have gone back & deleted my posts as far back as possible in this thread. This seems to have happened before between you & I for reasons I no longer recall, but I guarantee Sir it will never happen in this thread again or any thread you participate in!

PS: I now recall the previous incident involved your general post indicating that jokes in this thread were not funny, which makes one wonder why you continue to come to it to read jokes that are not funny for you?

 

[HoosierDaddy]

I seem to recall that once before I mentioned that the topic was...Clean Jokes...and you didn't like it that time either. It shouldn't be so difficult to determine what is clean or not clean unless, of course, the poster just doesn't really care. I've found most posts in this thread funny and some very funny but that's not really the point..is it?

 

[Hurricane Jack]

I seem to recall that once before I mentioned that the topic was...Clean Jokes...and you didn't like it that time either. It shouldn't be so difficult to determine what is clean or not clean unless, of course, the poster just doesn't really care. I've found most posts in this thread funny and some very funny but that's not really the point..is it?

Here is your post referenced in my reply above:

"I'm not a bartender..and have contributed to this thread in the past. However, I see nothing funny about a hospital stay. I have had many MRI's and CT scans over the past two years while flying back and forth to Texas fighting cancer. Would it be appropriate to discuss my health issues on a joke thread..?? Delete what you want. Sounds as if you disagree with me and are over sensitive and just want to smash your toys and go home.
HD"

Post #1425
https://www.thefedoralounge.com/threads/clean-jokes.1127/page-72#post-2489343

Your post doesn't say anything about "clean jokes", it wasn't even a funny story told by me that you took expection to.

Just like a post I made on Deco Deliveries which in your monitoring of the thread wasn't "Deco" enough.

I stand by my reply as stated. Find another target for your surliness.

 

[HoosierDaddy]

You kinda overlooked your past posts of getting off the clean joke topic into the unclean that I once questioned. Instead you looked up when a poster went completely off topic on the Clean Joke thread to discuss their hospital stay and I objected. You keep dancing around the subject of 'clean jokes'. However, I'm not here to argue on with you although JP put 'Clean' on his joke topic for a reason.
HD

 

[GHT]

Operator: “Thank you for calling Pizza Galaxy, The Best Pizzas in this Earth. May I have your…” Customer: “Hello, can I order?” Operator: “Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?” Customer: “It’s eh…, hold… …on… 889861356102049 998-45-54610” Operator: “OK… you’re… Mr. Gomez and you’re calling from 143 Bangkal St, Sky View Apt, Makati, 80th floor… Your home number is 8094! 2366, your office 7645-2302 and your mobile is 01482662566. This is a new number, Which number are you calling from now Sir?” Customer: “Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?” Operator: “We are connected to the system Sir.” Customer: “May I order your Seafood Pizza.” Operator: “That’s not a good idea Sir.” Customer: “How come?” Operator: “According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir.” Customer: “What?… What do you recommend then?” Operator: “Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You’ll like it” Customer: “How do you know for sure?” Operator: “You borrowed a book entitled “Popular Hokkien Dishes” from the National Library last week Sir.” Customer: “OK I give up… Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?” Operator: “That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $179.99” Customer: “Can I pay by! credit card?” Operator: “I’m afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $9637.55 since October last year.” “That’s not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.” Customer: “I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives.” Operator: “You can’t Sir. Based on the records, you’ve reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today.” Customer: “Never mind just send the pizzas, I’ll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?” Operator: “About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can’t wait you can always come and collect it on your scooter…” Customer: “What!” Operator: “According to the details in system, you own a Lambretta 1969 Vintage Scooter,… registration number USE 8917…” Customer: “????” Operator: “Is there anything else Sir?” Customer: “Nothing… by the way… aren’t you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?” Operator: “We normally would Sir, but based on your records you’re also diabetic… …” Customer: “#$$^%&$@$%^” Operator: “Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 11th Nov 1986 you were convicted for using abusive language on a policeman who stopped you for driving through a one way, in fact you were driving a 1973 Volkswagen bearing registration number UTD 4267…” Customer: [Faints]

Think about that next time you use a loyalty card/credit card/debit card/social media.

 

[Lean'n'mean]

Here is a clean joke.

A fella goes up to a lady of the night & asks " I'd like something different"
The young lady thinks for a moments & says " Well, there is 'the storm at sea' but that will be $200"
Intrigued, the guy agrees & off they go to a hotel. When in the hotel room, the lady tells the man to get undressed & lie on the bed, which he does. The mademoiselle then goes over to the light switch & starts rapidly flicking the switch, on/off on/off on/off...
" What the hell are you doing ?" asks the guy,
" You wanted the 'storm at sea' & this is the lightening " replied the young lady.
She then started to hit the wall with the edge of her fist.
"What the hell are you doing now ? " asked the man again.
" That's the thunder' she replied.
The lady then went into the bathroom & came out with a glass of water & splashed it on his face.
"Why the hell did you do that ? exclaimed the man.
" That is the lashing rain & sea spray " replied the young lady.
" Ok, ok," said the man " let's get down to some serious business now "
& the young lady replied " Are you kidding?... in this weather ?"

 

[BobHufford]