Clean Jokes

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[GHT]

 

[GHT]

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Arriving home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. “Olympic condoms?”.She blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There are three colours”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.” “What colour are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly. The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[2jakes]

A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM.
The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies,
“How am I supposed to know? We’re 200 miles inland!” and hangs up.

Her husband rolls over and asks, “Sweetheart, who was that?”
“I don’t know, some dumb woman asking if the coast is clear.

 

[2jakes]

Perfect breakfast!
You’re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties,
your mistress is on the cover of Playboy
and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

This guy is the plant foreman & he works long hrs for what little he's got. He's managed to save a little money to buy himself a small fishing boat & every Saturday morning from early March until the ice comes on the lake in Mid-November he gets up at 3:00 AM to go fishing for the day. He's always quiet & careful not to wake his wife as he leaves.

One Saturday morning late in the season he punches the garage door opener as he prepares to hook up his boat trailer, & it is windy, cold with freezing rain outside. He stands there watching the weather for a minute; for the first time his heart's just not in it, so he punches the garage door down & goes back to bed.

As he curls up to his wife's backside & she moves a bit he says in a low voice, "It's really windy & cold with freezing rain out there."

Snuggled in she replies, "I know. Can you believe my husband's out fishin' in this shit?"

 

[MisterCairo]

Our local paper had Shoe while I was growing up. I haven't seen it in yonks!

 

[GHT]

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[2jakes]

 

[2jakes]

 

[2jakes]

 

[2jakes]

 

[Hurricane Jack]

For all the cat lovers:

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[3fingers]

The pastor asked the children's Sunday school class if they knew what the resurrection was. Little Johnny raised his hand and said I do and if it lasts more than four hours, you're supposed to see a doctor.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[GHT]

George, an elderly man, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot all the sons of bitches!" Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the George's residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the police officers said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available."