Clean Jokes

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[Zachary]

Two blondes are sitting in a train compartment. Opposite of them: an older man with a dark, thick beard.

“Isn’t that Abe Lincoln?”, one of the blondes inquires.
“Are you stupid? Lincoln died ages ago!”

Five minutes later, another man steps in.

“Hey, Abe, my friend! How you doin’? Haven’t seen you in ages!”

The blonde:
“Now who’s the stupid?”

 

[2jakes]

Nancy, a small firm's employee, celebrates a big birthday. Her boss wants to throw a party. He calls the confectioner on the phone.

"I would like to order a birthday cake for Nancy", he says.
The confectioner: "At first, we would need to know if Nancy is a man or a woman. And then, please, tell me what should be written on the cake."
"Well, the writing should say: 'Congratulations!'. And Nancy is a woman."
The next day, a big round cake arrives, with a writing on it reading:
"Congratulations! Nancy is a woman."

Funny and so true.
Similar to Peter Seller’s, Inspector Clouseau when he asked a native,

“Do you know the time?”
And the native answers, “Yes!”

I found that the local town folks will reply exactly to what you asked and only that when visiting a foreign country.

And I find it pleasantly amusing when
Siri answers me in a woman’s British accent...
“I am here to please you Jake!”

Some think it’s silly.... I like it!

 

[Zachary]

Cowboy Johnny needs a new horse. He goes to the local priest, from which he heard he could buy one.

“Yes I have a horse for you, Johnny”, the priest says. “However, it’s a catholic horse. Whenever you say “Amen”, it will stop. Whenever you say, “praise the Lord!”, it will start running like hell.”

“That shouldn’t be a problem for me, shouldn’t it?”, Johnny replies.

And — Praise the Lord! — the horse ran along with Johnny on its back.

They rode and rode and rode, and Johnny enjoyed it.

After some time, Johnny saw the gullies of the Grand Canyon approaching. He began panicking, since he forgot the magic word for making the horse stop. The horse ran faster and faster, and the Canyons came closer and closer.

Johnny was so desperate that first time in his life, he started praying.

“Dear Heavenly Father, I pray to you, please make the horse stop and save my life! You are my last hope! AMEN!”

And, two inches from the gully, the horse stopped.

“Well, Praise the Lord!”, Johnny shouted ...

 

[Zachary]

Another blonde joke:

Two blondes travel along the highway by car.

Suddenly, the woman driving pulls over and stops.

“What’s going on?”, the blonde on the passenger seat asks.
“We ran out of fuel.”
“O how intelligent you are! I surely would have driven on.”

 

[Zachary]

Bedroom talk.

“Give me animal names”, she begs.
“Chick!”
“No, something evil!”
“Evil chick!”

 

[Zachary]

Three men walk into a bar.

“A pint for me, please”, the first says.
“Another one for me”, says the second.
“I’d also like a pint, but please in a clean glass”, the third says.

A moment later, the waiter returns with three glasses.

“Which gentleman ordered the beer in the clean glass?”

 

[Zachary]

Who created the Grand Canyon?

A Scottish man who had lost a penny.

 

[2jakes]

Blonde is asked if she wants her pizza
cut into six or twelve pieces.

Six she answers, “I could not finish twelve pieces!”

Who created the Grand Canyon?

A Scottish man who had lost a penny.

Ouch!

 

[Zachary]

“Can you guess how many dimes I have in my purse?”
“If I guess correctly, will you give me one?”
“No, I’ll give you both!”

 

[GHT]

The Emperor of Japan advertises for a new bodygaurd. Three swordsmen apply: one is Japanese, one is Chinese, and one is Jewish.
To test them, the Emperor lets a fly loose in the room and tells them to kill it.
The Chinese swordsman sweeps down his blade and chops the fly in two.
The Japanese swordsman swings his sword twice and manages to cut the fly into quarters before it hits the ground.
The Jewish swordsman chases it around the room, swings his sword a few times, then sits down with the fly buzzing around his head.
"Why have you stopped?" asks the Emperor. "The fly is still alive."
"Yes," replies the Jewish swordsman. "But now it's circumcised."

 

[Zachary]

A famous politician pays a visit to a mental institution. He is being introduced to the director.

“By which means”, the politician asks, “do you decide whom to detain and whom not?”
“We do an easy test. We fill a bathtub with water, show it to the ill, and hand him a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket.”
“I understand. And the healthy person would try to empty the bathtub with the bucket.”
“No. The healthy person would pull the plug. Would you like a room with or without balcony?”

 

[Zachary]

Last Friday, I attended university and had lunch in the mensa. I saw my favorite professor sitting nearby, so I approached him and kindly asked:

“Could I take a seat?”
“A pig cannot sit next to a swan”, he answered.
“No problem. I’ll fly along.”

 

[Zachary]

A local priest has a talking parrot which used to say repeatedly:
“Trump, Bush, and Clinton, go to hell!”

It didn’t take much time, and the Virginia Farm Boys paid a visit. However, when the parrot saw them, he refused to talk. The federal employees waited for half an hour, with no result.

One of them became impatient. He shook the birdcage wildly and shouted:

“Now say it! Finally say, ‘Trump, Bush, and Clinton, go to hell!”

The parrot:
“May the merciful God answer your prayers Amen!”

 

[GHT]

A famous politician pays a visit to a mental institution. He is being introduced to the director.

A guy, who commuted to work by train, would pass by a hospital for mental health care everyday, on his way to and from the station.
Almost inevitably he would hear, thirty-three, thirty-three, thirty-three. In the evening it would be, thirty-seven, thirty-seven, thirty-seven. The following morning it had become forty-one, forty-one, forty-one. That evening on hearing fifty-two repeated over and over, his curiosity got the better of him.
There was a small hole in the fence where a knot of wood once existed, seeing the hole he spied through it. He immediately felt a sharp stabbing pain as a small stick poked him in the eye. Nursing his swollen eye, he suddenly heard: Fifty-three, fifty-three, fifty-three......

 

[Zachary]

A wintery evening. Streets are spread with snow. A truck is driving on an urban highway in the vicinities of Daytona, Ohio, and behind it a pink Mini Cooper with a young woman inside.

Both vehicles stop at the red lights. The woman gets out, goes to the truck driver, knocks at his window. He unwinds the window, and the woman says:
"Good evening, my name is Kathy, and I just wanted to say you're losing cargo."
The driver winds the window up, and drives on.

At the next red lights, they stop again. The woman gets out and knocks on the truck driver's window.
"Good evening, my name is Kathy, and I just wanted to say you're losing cargo."
The driver shrugs his shoulders, and drives on.

It comes that the truck stops at the next lights. Again, the woman gets out.
"Good evening, my …", she starts.
The truck driver disrupts her:
"And my name is Jimmy and I just wanted to say I'm salting."

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[HoosierDaddy]

...some kind of lost in translation..

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[GHT]