Clean Jokes

[MisterCairo]

ANGER!

I am angry with misanthropic people.
They just tick me off.

I once dated a woman named Ms Anthropy...

 

[MisterCairo]

ANGER!

I am angry with misanthropic people.
They just tick me off.

I once dated a woman named Ms Anthropy...

 

[MisterCairo]

One of my favourite Herman comics:

 

[MisterCairo]

"I met a lovely older lady at the bus stop the other day, and we had a bit of a chat. At one point she bemoaned 'oh how I wish things could be like they were in the good old days''".

"So, I took away her pension book and stuffed her grandson up a chimney".

Mel Smith in Alas Smith and Jones.

 

[Benny Holiday]

History was made on this day in 45 BC when chunks of ice were officially recorded as falling from the sky for the first time in Rome. It was reported by Senator Marcus Livius, who said aloud from the Forum portico, "Well, look at that!"
"What is it?" the Emperor inquired.
"Hail, Caesar."

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[Trenchfriend]

We're all enemies of the alcohol, that's why it becomes eliminated!

 

[Zombie_61]

We're all enemies of the alcohol, that's why it becomes eliminated!

I "eliminated" quite a bit of alcohol in my younger days. Can't say all of it was friendly, so you might be right.

 

[MisterCairo]

A German sheperd, a Doberman and tabby cat have died and gone to Heaven.

"Tell me, what do you believe in"? God asked the Shepard.

"I believe in discipline and training and service to my master." said the dog.

"Good. You may sit on my right side. And what do you believe in?" God asked the Doberman.

"I believe in bravery in protecting my master." he replied.

"Good, you may sit on my left side, said God. "And what do you believe in?" He asked the cat.

"I believe you're sitting in my seat." replied the cat.

 

[MisterCairo]

We're all enemies of the alcohol, that's why it becomes eliminated!

You lost me at "the"...

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[MisterCairo]

Harry Enfield Show characters The Old Gits:

(Turning off TV set) Old Git 1- "Eech..."

Old Git 2: "What was that?"

OG1 "Some horrible sitcom - Life Begins at 40".

Pauses - "Try telling that to John Lennon".

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[LostInTyme]

I went to the Doctor for a check up. He looked me over, took my check and said time was up. Now I'm wondering what he meant.

I need a haircut. Time was when I needed a lot of them cut.

Went out for dinner last evening. I found the waiter being deliberately obsequious whilst serving the creme-de-pom-pa-dore.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[LostInTyme]

Teach your children. Ham comes from the store, not the hamster.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[LostInTyme]

I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger action figures were located and he replied,
“Aisle B, back.”