Clean Jokes

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[Benny Holiday]

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There are cows who play guitars, but that's in anudder cartoon.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[Frunobulax]

After the new camp commander of Fort Swampy was installed, he came upon two soldiers who were guarding a bench and asked them why they were guarding the bench.

"We don't know. The last commander told us to; it's some sort of tradition," replied the bench guards.

He looked up the last commander's phone number, called and asked him about it.

"I don't know. The previous commander had the guards; I kept the tradition."

Finally, after searching back and talking to seven former camp commanders, he finds a retired 100-year-old General who previously had the assignment and asks him about the bench guards.

To which the General replies, "What, that paint isn't dry yet?"

 

[Frunobulax]

How many times do I need to click on the pop-up that says, "Accept cookies" before they bring the cookies?

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[LostInTyme]

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair...!!

 

[LostInTyme]

Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?
"Watch how far I can kick this bucket."


Why shouldn’t the number 288 ever be mentioned?
Because it’s two gross.....


I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes.
Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.


I only know 25 letters of the alphabet, but I don't know y.....


I don't trust stairs.....they’re always up to something.....


When two vegans get into an argument, is it still called a beef?


Why did the astronaut's restaurant on the moon fail?
The food was good but there was no atmosphere.


I saw an ad for a used TV. It stated “TV for sale $1.00, volume stuck on full.”
I thought to myself, “I can’t turn that down.”

Today I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.................

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[1967Cougar390]

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

 

[Zombie_61]

What's black and white and red all over and can't turn around in a telephone booth?

Spoiler

A nun with a spear through her head.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

What's black and white and red all over and can't turn around in a telephone booth?

Spoiler

A nun with a spear through her head.

I thought it was a Reader's Digest where all these jokes are coming from.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[1967Cougar390]

 

[LostInTyme]

ANGER!

I am angry with misanthropic people.
They just tick me off.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[MisterCairo]

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I loved Herman growing up. Not many Canadian comics.