Your Most Disturbing Realizations

[tonyb]

I'm reminded of that bumper sticker ...

In case of rapture, can I have your car?

 

[sheeplady]

My desire for a funeral is more for my kids. Particularly if I die while they are young. In that case, they'll never have me in many of the life situations I'd like to give them advice in. I've met a few adults who lost their parents when children or really young adults (under 25), and the funerals were important to them, especially when people spoke of their parents.

If I'm old enough that people aren't walking around saying, "dear god, she was so young," I hope my kids stash the money, spend it anyway they like, and assign someone to dump my ashes out of a coffee tin into a body of water. (I prefer the coffee tin in either scenario.)

 

[1mach1]

I wrote mine when I went into the hospital at age 39. And I've already had to update it.

When I go I plan to be stuffed and mounted in a pose like one of those Lenin statues, striding forward with my arm raised high. And then I want them to put me on display in the lobby, so people can hang their coats on my arm.

Brilliant.

 

[tonyb]

My desire for a funeral is more for my kids. Particularly if I die while they are young. In that case, they'll never have me in many of the life situations I'd like to give them advice in. I've met a few adults who lost their parents when children or really young adults (under 25), and the funerals were important to them, especially when people spoke of their parents.

If I'm old enough that people aren't walking around saying, "dear god, she was so young," I hope my kids stash the money, spend it anyway they like, and assign someone to dump my ashes out of a coffee tin into a body of water. (I prefer the coffee tin in either scenario.)

In a couple of weeks it will be 10 full years since I underwent a potentially risky surgery; just how risky wouldn't be determined until they cracked me open and got a good look at the problem.

This was anxiety inducing, of course. But knowing that it was riskier on balance NOT to undergo the procedure had me looking forward to putting it behind me. And I took some strange comfort in knowing that once the anesthesiologist knocked me out the battle would be over for me. Either I would wake up, or I wouldn't. I found myself more concerned about how it might affect my loved ones, which I took as an indication that I wasn't a kid anymore.

 

[Stearmen]

I wrote mine when I went into the hospital at age 39. And I've already had to update it.

When I go I plan to be stuffed and mounted in a pose like one of those Lenin statues, striding forward with my arm raised high. And then I want them to put me on display in the lobby, so people can hang their coats on my arm.

On the inscription below you, they can put, "to the moon!"

 

[Zombie_61]

Do normal people not think about this sort of thing?

Most of the people I know either consider it to be morbid, or they don't want to be reminded of their own mortality.

My wife and I haven't made any arrangements for ourselves yet, mostly because she is undecided. Me, I've told anyone and everyone who might be responsible when the time comes (we don't have children) to dispose of my dead carcass in the least expensive and least problematic manner possible. My preferred method would be cremation, and subsequently have my ashes dumped in the ocean, but once I've vacated this meat puppet that I currently inhabit I really won't care what happens to it.

My desire for a funeral is more for my kids...

Many years ago one of my sister's close friends died prematurely from cancer, and wanted to have her body cremated and her ashes spread somewhere (I wasn't privy to the details). It was only after she had passed that her/their teenaged children protested because they would have no specific place (i.e., a gravesite) to visit, so her husband was forced to purchase a grave marker and an empty plot in a local cemetery in addition to the cost of the cremation.

 

[Lean'n'mean]

My granny was cremated in the 90's, can't remember the year but I think she was dead, at least there wasn't any knocking on the box as it went onto the furnace & I have no idea what happened to her ashes. We were very close nan & I, she played a big part in my childhood & as a lost young adult, she was there to help me get back on track. I often think of her & the great times we had together, I have a smile on my face now as I type this..........I don't need any kind of memorial to remember her by or to visit once in a blue moon. She's 104 this year by the way.

 

[Fading Fast]

Most of the people I know either consider it to be morbid, or they don't want to be reminded of their own mortality.

My wife and I haven't made any arrangements for ourselves yet, mostly because she is undecided. Me, I've told anyone and everyone who might be responsible when the time comes (we don't have children) to dispose of my dead carcass in the least expensive and least problematic manner possible. My preferred method would be cremation, and subsequently have my ashes dumped in the ocean, but once I've vacated this meat puppet that I currently inhabit I really won't care what happens to it.

Many years ago one of my sister's close friends died prematurely from cancer, and wanted to have her body cremated and her ashes spread somewhere (I wasn't privy to the details). It was only after she had passed that her/their teenaged children protested because they would have no specific place (i.e., a gravesite) to visit, so her husband was forced to purchase a grave marker and an empty plot in a local cemetery in addition to the cost of the cremation.

I have no specific knowledge or experience with this stuff, but don't they have mausoleums or some kind of buildings where you can buy space to store ashes and visit them like one would a plot in a cemetery?

I've told my girlfriend she can throw my ashes in the garbage as I sincerely just don't care, but she wants her's spread on the ocean in Maine - her favorite place on earth. I mentioned that it would kind of be a long and lonely trip for me so would she mind if I asked someone to come along.

She paused, thought, and then told me in no uncertain terms that I cannot take a date to scattered her ashes. When I protested that I wasn't going to take the date to the actual ocean scattering, but really just for the rest of the trip since it is a nice place to get away for a romantic weekend, she rolled her eyes and walked out of the room.

All of the above was said in fun - and she knew that, but she still has told me no-dates to her ash scattering is not negotiable.

 

[2jakes]

My wife and I haven't made any arrangements for ourselves yet, mostly because she is undecided. Me, I've told anyone and everyone who might be responsible when the time comes (we don't have children) to dispose of my dead carcass in the least expensive and least problematic manner possible. My preferred method would be cremation, and subsequently have my ashes dumped in the ocean, but once I've vacated this meat puppet that I currently inhabit I really won't care what happens to it.

When no arrangements have been made, cremation although less costly might not be possible.
Unless you have someone that will offer to take the responsibility.

If no one takes responsibility, the medical examiner's office will have the body brought to the city morgue.
Body will be put into the colder storage than just refrigeration, an inquiry and attempt
to find a relative will be done by the police.

If no next of kin is found, the body is picked by a funeral home with a contract with the state,
and is buried with no services in a cemetery that also has a contract with the state.

Unless you have made arrangements.
They will not cremate someone without authorization.
It is the less expensive way but there are too many religions and customs that do not allow cremations.
A buried body can always be exhumed if someone claims it later down the road and can be cremated.
This is a general view with each state having it’s own ruling.
Burial costs varies depending on the options.

 

[Zombie_61]

I have no specific knowledge or experience with this stuff, but don't they have mausoleums or some kind of buildings where you can buy space to store ashes and visit them like one would a plot in a cemetery?...

They do (as far as I know), but that was not how or where she wanted her remains (or cremains, in this case) to end up. I only know what little I know because my wife and I got to know this woman and her husband at family gatherings, so my sister extended the invitation to the small service that was held at her gravesite and explained the cremation/empty grave to me afterwards.

When no arrangements have been made, cremation although less costly might not be possible...

Thank you for explaining that. We both know that we really need to "take care of business" sooner rather than later, but like most people it's one of those things we keep putting off because "we have plenty of time to deal with that later".

 

[2jakes]

^^^^^
Just came back from a funeral home.
This was my first step in finding out about veterans who qualify for burial services
and check what options are available at what cost.

Not sure if this is a selling point or not, but was told:

Locking into a plan & options of your choice now will make a difference in
the cost or expenses which might be greater if one waits for later.

The lady assisting me said that within 5 years it would be a locked figure
of $7,000 (aprox.)
if I waited, in 20 years the plan would be $80,000.

I made the comment,
”jeeze, I better not wait & get it over with right now.”

She burst out laughing but apologized soon after.
Her husband passed away in Jan. and she’s coping with it fine, but
thanked me for making her laugh & not get gloomy about the whole
situation.

I’m amazed how she could work in such a place.

 

[LizzieMaine]

The undertaker in the town where I grew up had to give up the business when it got to where he was burying his own friends. The word was he actually had a breakdown over it.

 

[2jakes]

The undertaker in the town where I grew up had to give up the business when it got to where he was burying his own friends. The word was he actually had a breakdown over it.

I had breakdown when I was overseas in the Pacific during Vietnam conflict.
Seeing the KC 135 aircrafts loaded with caskets going home on a “daily” basis
will do it. So many young lives wasted.
(Working the hydraulics systems, nearby the fuselage area, there was
no way to avoid this site.)

Nobody prepared me for this.
I had to do some serious thinking to keep from loosing it completely.

I focused on a Nikon Photomic FTN camera which I would buy when
I was given R&R. (I have no idea why I chose that specific camera)
Perhaps being aware that Japan was near.
I reckon everyone has their way of coping.
They wouldn't send me home for R&R (too far, I guess)
so I opted for Tokyo & the Ginza market.
But found a better deal in the black market.

 

[sheeplady]

I want to be cremated purely because it's the last time I want my body to be disturbed. I've made this clear.

If my body could be buried touching the earth I'd have no problem being buried. But the idea of trying to preserve my body or keep it from returning to the soil bothers me. Also, I won't want to be dug up. My luck my gravesite would be the one they forget to move the casket, then I got to haunt the people who built the house over my grave, and well, that's too much work.

 

[Zombie_61]

Just came back from a funeral home...She burst out laughing but apologized soon after. Her husband passed away in Jan. and she’s coping with it fine, but thanked me for making her laugh & not get gloomy about the whole situation.

I’m amazed how she could work in such a place.

When my Mom passed in 2004 it fell on my wife and me to make the final arrangements. We'd already been through this with her Mom, my Dad, and her Dad, so we were familiar with the routine. Also, though we grieve like everyone else when we lose someone close to us, we don't fear death the way most people do. So we, and a close friend, arrived at the mortuary to make the arrangements, and the young lady who assisted us was surprised, and somewhat shocked, by our relaxed and nonchalant behavior. Surely she was used to dealing with people during one of the worst periods of their lives, so she was unprepared for our comparatively "light" moods and didn't know how to respond when we'd make humorous comments. But she had to contact me by phone a few days later to clarify something we had discussed, and momentarily forgot she was speaking with a client because she joked about needing a shovel to dig Mom up. This comment was relevant to the conversation we were having at the moment, the details of which I've forgotten, but it was funny so we laughed. Then she remembered who she was speaking with, and apologized for five minutes straight.

It takes a special type of person to deal with death on a regular basis, whether they're a healthcare worker who is present during that transition or a funerary professional assisting the deceased and/or their family and friends afterward. But I've been told by more than a few people who do this for a living that a sense of humor is essential for their mental, emotional, and psychological health; they just have to know when it is or isn't appropriate.

 

[2jakes]

^^^^^
This is also true when working in the news with tension and negative things
occurring daily.
The things that is shared between reporter and a cameraman
is something that most would not comprehend or expect.
But it helps us to cope with society and what’s going on in the streets today.


I’ve seen much working in the news on what grownups do to one another.
It’s the innocent children and animals that are placed in bad situations
that affects me.

 

[Zombie_61]

^^^^^
This is also true when working in the news with tension and negative things occurring daily. The things that is shared between reporter and a cameraman is something that most would not comprehend or expect. But it helps us to cope with society and what’s going on in the streets today...

I'm sure there are a number of professions for which this is true. And, yes, most people would probably consider such humor as inappropriate or insensitive, but until they've been "on the front lines" they will probably never understand why it's necessary. Give 'em a week in your shoes and they'd probably need therapy for the rest of their lives.

...I’ve seen much working in the news on what grownups do to one another. It’s the innocent children and animals that are placed in bad situations
that affects me.

I feel the same way from just watching the news. Some people are really screwed up and, in my opinion, deserve whatever bad things come their way; instant karma, so to speak. Besides, in many cases it's their own poor choices and bad decisions that led them there. But when children and animals suffer as a result of some screwed up adult's actions...well, words aren't sufficient to express my thoughts and feelings on the matter, and the language I'd use isn't appropriate for this forum anyway.

 

[Fading Fast]

... My luck my gravesite would be the one they forget to move the casket, then I got to haunt the people who built the house over my grave, and well, that's too much work.

Very funny comment, could have been a line in a Woody Allen movie.

 

[Fading Fast]

When my Mom passed in 2004 it fell on my wife and me to make the final arrangements. We'd already been through this with her Mom, my Dad, and her Dad, so we were familiar with the routine. Also, though we grieve like everyone else when we lose someone close to us, we don't fear death the way most people do. So we, and a close friend, arrived at the mortuary to make the arrangements, and the young lady who assisted us was surprised, and somewhat shocked, by our relaxed and nonchalant behavior. Surely she was used to dealing with people during one of the worst periods of their lives, so she was unprepared for our comparatively "light" moods and didn't know how to respond when we'd make humorous comments. But she had to contact me by phone a few days later to clarify something we had discussed, and momentarily forgot she was speaking with a client because she joked about needing a shovel to dig Mom up. This comment was relevant to the conversation we were having at the moment, the details of which I've forgotten, but it was funny so we laughed. Then she remembered who she was speaking with, and apologized for five minutes straight.

It takes a special type of person to deal with death on a regular basis, whether they're a healthcare worker who is present during that transition or a funerary professional assisting the deceased and/or their family and friends afterward. But I've been told by more than a few people who do this for a living that a sense of humor is essential for their mental, emotional, and psychological health; they just have to know when it is or isn't appropriate.

When my Dad passed, I took on the funeral arrangement responsibility because, while grieving, I am very good at separating out emotions and doing what has to be done. Also, while I sincerely respect that many people view the funeral as deeply meaningful - and I treat everyone that I attend that way - personally, I just don't feel it. What happens to me after I die just doesn't matter to me, but again, I respect how important it is to many others and took on burying my father with the proper respect and diligence.

But like you Zombie 61, the funeral director was a bit surprised by my casual but direct approach. I had gone with my dad 18 years earlier when he arranged for his mother's funeral (odd for an eight year old, but you grew up fast with my Dad), so I pretty much just did what he did for her. In general, it was a very austere affair - my Dad and his Mom were hit very, very hard by the Depression and not-spending-money was a firm belief and practice in our house - but he did spend money to put her body in a sealed metal box as he couldn't stand thinking about insects, etc., getting to her. This is pretty visceral and emotional stuff that I rarely saw from my Dad, so it made an impression.

As the funeral director went through the long list of options - with almost all of them getting a "no" response from me (I saw no reason I couldn't drive my Mom to the funeral, my Dad drove us to his Mothers) - he almost gasped when I said yes to a sealed metal casket. Sensing he had the momentum, he followed up with "for an additional $200, we can provide guaranteed waterproofing for the casket."

I paused, as I didn't remember that coming up for Grandmother's arrangements, then my frugal and a bit caustic upbringing kicked in and I asked "who's going to go down and check on the 'guaranteed' waterproofing." I stared, he stared, I continued staring, he nodded his head slowly up and down and said "then it's 'no' to the waterproofing, next item..."

I've often thought back on that and felt that my Dad would have been proud if he was watching.

 

[Zombie_61]

When my Dad passed, I took on the funeral arrangement responsibility because, while grieving, I am very good at separating out emotions and doing what has to be done. Also, while I sincerely respect that many people view the funeral as deeply meaningful - and I treat everyone that I attend that way - personally, I just don't feel it. What happens to me after I die just doesn't matter to me, but again, I respect how important it is to many others and took on burying my father with the proper respect and diligence...

We are alike in that respect. When there's a crisis of some sort--a death, a car accident, an injury, etc.--something in my brain seems to switch my emotions off, or at least minimize their effect on me, and I'm left with this sort of focused mental clarity that allows me to take care of whatever business is at hand. Maybe it's a psychological defense mechanism; I really don't know. But I have to be mindful when attending a funeral to be respectful of those who are going through the grieving process so as not to make them feel worse by saying or doing something that would be inappropriate.

...As the funeral director went through the long list of options - with almost all of them getting a "no" response from me (I saw no reason I couldn't drive my Mom to the funeral, my Dad drove us to his Mothers) - he almost gasped when I said yes to a sealed metal casket. Sensing he had the momentum, he followed up with "for an additional $200, we can provide guaranteed waterproofing for the casket."

I paused, as I didn't remember that coming up for Grandmother's arrangements, then my frugal and a bit caustic upbringing kicked in and I asked "who's going to go down and check on the 'guaranteed' waterproofing." I stared, he stared, I continued staring, he nodded his head slowly up and down and said "then it's 'no' to the waterproofing, next item..."

I've often thought back on that and felt that my Dad would have been proud if he was watching.

You absolutely did the right thing. Cost issues aside, I watched a documentary about the funerary business several years ago in which they interviewed quite a few people from that profession about what grieving family and friends should and should not do while making the arrangements. One of the things they all agreed on was that the "waterproofing" they offer is an unnecessary expense that can actually do more harm than good. In the funerary business "waterproofing" also means "air tight", and this is a problem because...well, I don't want to get too graphic, but for scientific reasons an air tight seal can cause the casket to rupture, and that defeats the purpose of waterproofing it in the first place.