What's Your Favorite Joke?

[DeeDub]

Every now and then a joke pops into my head and gives me a little chuckle. Some return again and again over the years, and I still find them funny. So it was the other day, as my memory played out the punch line of one of my favorites, that I felt the urge to share it with others who either haven’t heard it, or have heard it but would still enjoy it.

Here’s the one that got this started. Please reply with your favorite joke(s):

During a manual docking maneuver, the supply vehicle Progress collided with the orbiting Mir space station. The pilot of Progress misjudged the distance between Mir and Progress and, before he could stop, Progress struck a solar array and the hull of one section of Mir.

NASA conducted a thorough investigation to determine the cause of the crash and take action to prevent future mishaps. Having determined the collision was caused by limitations in the pilot’s visibility, NASA prescribed a simple solution, consisting of a decal applied to the pilot’s viewport. The decal read:

“Objects in Mir are closer than they appear.”

 

[Marc Chevalier]

My favorite joke would be deleted from this thread as soon as a bartender saw it.


Sorry! [huh]


.

 

[CharlieH.]

I'd post my favourite jokes, but the bartenders would clean them up immediately!

EDIT: Feelin' like an echo here....

 

[Sweet Polly Purebred]

Wow, that's some act. What do you call yourselves?

The Aristocrats.

 

[DavidVillaJr]

My all time favorite:


why is six afraid of seven?


because seven eight nine!!!lol



-crickets -


hello?.... hello?..... is this thing on?




then there is the one about the guy who walked into a bar - which is funny 'cause you think he would have seen it.....




hello?





or the one about the kids back in school from summer vacation?


you know....


Teacher asks: Sally, what did your family do over summer vacation?

Sally: Well.....we went camping in Jellystone National Park and met Yogi Bear and Boo Boo, then we went adventuring with Johnny Quest and Saved the world from the evil Dr.Freeze

Teacher: Wow, that was some summer vacation. Jenny, what did your family do on summer break?

Jenny: Our family spent 3 weeks at DisneyWorld, and my brother threw up on space mountain, and I ate 17 cotton-candys, and got to light the fireworks for 4th of July in Washington DC, and I met the President and he said he liked my hair.


Teacher: Well, Well, that seems to be an amazing vacation!! Billy, did you do anything exciting on your summer break?


Billy: Well, not much happened to me, but my dog got his ass runover by a train....


Teacher: BILLY, WE DO NOT USE THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE IN CLASS, YOU SAY RECTUM!!!

Billy: Rectum? Heck lady, it darn near KILLED him.lol lol lol




-we now return you to your regularly scheduled good jokes, already in progress-

dv

 

[DavidVillaJr]

Wow, that's some act. What do you call yourselves?

The Aristocrats.

PAAAAHAHAAAHAHAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAA!!!!!!!

dv

 

[Maj.Nick Danger]

A priest, a rabbi, and a baptist minister walk into this bar.

The bartender looks up and says,...
"What is this,...some kinda joke?"

 

[GeniusInTheLamp]

This one's pretty deep, but I laughed pretty hard when I saw it:

Rene Descartes is sitting at a bar, finishing his drink. Bartender looks at him and asks, "Would you like another drink?"

Descartes says, "I think not," and vanishes.


Another good one (slightly cleaned up):

Two men are sitting at a bar in a club on the 35th floor of the Sears Tower. The first man nudges the second man and says, "Wanna see a neat trick?"

Second man says, "Sure."

The first man goes to the window, opens it, and jumps out. Just before he hits the ground, he suddenly slows down and lands softly on his feet. He makes his way back to the bar.

The second man looks at him in amazement and says, "Wow! How do you do that?"

The first man explains, "When you jump out the window, you fall toward a large manhole. The backdraft from the manhole creates a powerful current that cushions your fall."

The second man replies, "Let me try that!" The second man goes to the window, jumps out, and lands with a resounding splat on the pavement below.

The bartender looks at the first man, shakes his head disgustedly, and says, "You know, you're a jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

 

[Cobden]

These are rather sick, but at they are clean:

What has four legs and goes woof?






Piper Alpha







What did the blind, deaf and mute child get for christmas?





Cancer

 

[scotrace]

A married middle aged couple were sitting in a fine French restaurant enjoying the best of the menu in a quiet booth when an attractive, voluptuous woman stopped at the table and caressed the man's cheek, purring, "hellllo Harry... see you tomorrow..."
"Harry!" Demanded his wife after the bombshell had swished away, "Who was THAT WOMAN?"
"That was my mistress." came the calm reply.
The wife is shocked! "How COULD you do this to us?! After all these years! A mistress! Of course I want a DIVORCE!"
"Very well," sez Harry. "But you'll lose everything. The Bentley, the furs, the houses in Madrid and LA, the Park Avenue apartment, the clothes, the jewels. All of it."
She thinks for a moment and goes back to her dinner, quietly.

Soon, the wife spots a mutual friend arriving.
"Harry... isn't that George over there? Who is that woman with him?"
Harry looks up and replies, "That's george's mistress."

Harry's wife picks up her spoon and says, "Ours is prettier."

 

[Miss_Bella_Hell]

What did the blind, deaf and mute child get for christmas?



Cancer

Ok, I'm officially going to hell for laughing at that one.

A married middle aged couple were sitting in a fine French restaurant enjoying the best of the menu in a quiet booth when an attractive, voluptuous woman stopped at the table and caressed the man's cheek, purring, "hellllo Harry... see you tomorrow..."
"Harry!" Demanded his wife after the bombshell had swished away, "Who was THAT WOMAN?"
"That was my mistress." came the calm reply.
The wife is shocked! "How COULD you do this to us?! After all these years! A mistress! Of course I want a DIVORCE!"
"Very well," sez Harry. "But you'll lose everything. The Bentley, the furs, the houses in Madrid and LA, the Park Avenue apartment, the clothes, the jewels. All of it."
She thinks for a moment and goes back to her dinner, quietly.

Soon, the wife spots a mutual friend arriving.
"Harry... isn't that George over there? Who is that woman with him?"
Harry looks up and replies, "That's george's mistress."

Harry's wife picks up her spoon and says, "Ours is prettier."

I have never heard this and I LOVE IT!lol

 

[carebear]

Little known fact about the carebear. The carebear likes him some duck jokes.

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for corn. The bartender says "We have no corn, get out of here." So the duck leaves.
The next day he comes back and asks for corn again, and the bartender says "I told you, we don't have any corn! Get out!" So the duck leaves.
The next day he goes in again and asks for corn, and the bartender says, "For the last time, we don't have corn! If you ever come back, I'm going to nail those webbed feet of yours to the floor!" So the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes and asks, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender says, "No, of course not. Why would a bar have nails?" The duck then says, "Good. Can I have some corn?

A duck walks into a bar and says to the bar tender "I'll have a beer".
The bartender says "Hey! where did you come from?"
The duck says "I'm working the construction site across the street".
And the bartender says, "Well why are you working construction when you could be making millions in the circus?"
And the duck said "What would the circus want with a brick laying duck?"

 

[Diamondback]

What did the blind, deaf and mute child get for christmas?





Cancer

Lemme guess, his name was "Lucky" too? lol

 

[Dan G]

What do you call someone with no arms and no legs water skiing?

Skiplol So I like stupid jokes.....

 

[koopkooper]

Yeah my fave would be deleted too, it starts like this "there was a young lady from Nantucket....

 

[Doh!]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland, too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's new?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Reilly twins are drunk again."

 

[Joie DeVive]

What do you call someone with no arms and no legs water skiing?

Skiplol So I like stupid jokes.....

There's a whole string of those awful jokes..
Like: "What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?"
ART.

I shouldn't know those, but I do.....

 

[Dan G]

I know but they're so funny!!lol lol

 

[Maj.Nick Danger]

There's a whole string of those awful jokes..
Like: "What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?"
ART.

I shouldn't know those, but I do.....

You are SO bad! [bad]

 

[Joie DeVive]

Ok, here's mine.

If you need to clip it for religious controversialness do so, but I don't think it's bad.

Jesus is delivering his sermon about the prostitute whom the villagers wanted to stone. He finishes the last line saying: "Let the one amongst you without sin cast the first stone!!"

Suddenly from the back of the crowd a stone whizzes forward smacking the poor prostitute in the middle of the forehead and she instantly falls over dead.

Jesus frowns squinting towards the origin of the stone and finally says: "Mother, sometimes you really tick me off!!!"