What's Your Favorite Joke?

[farnham54]

Two guys are out hunting, Bob and Bill. They hiked for miles and miles, looking to bag a deer. Next thing Bob knows, Bill is grasping his arm and he keels over. Bob is obviously quite concerned, so he whips out his brand new satellite phone and dials 911.

Operator: "This is 911, please state the nature of your emergency"
Bob: "My buddy Bill is dead!"
Operator: "Hang on now sir and calm down...go make sure that he's actually dead"
Bob: "Hang on one second"


*BANG*


Bob: "Okay now what?"

 

[Flying Scotsman]

An elderly husband is driving across the country with his wife, who is very hard of hearing. Partway through the trip, he gets stopped for speeding.

Cop: "Did you know you were speeding?"
Wife: "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
Husband: "HE SAID I WAS SPEEDING!"

Cop: "May I see your license, sir?"
Wife: "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
Husband: "HE SAID HE NEEDS MY LICENSE!"

Cop examines license.

Cop: "You're from Kansas, huh?"
Husband: "Yes, sir."
Cop: "Worst sex I ever had was in Kansas."
Wife: "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
Husband: "HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YA!"

 

[GeniusInTheLamp]

What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs hanging above a window?

Curt n' Rod

 

[DavidVillaJr]

What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs hanging above a window?

Curt n' Rod

Since this has become the no arms and legs joke thread.....


What do you call a dog with no legs?



It don't matter, he ain't coming!lol



no?



hmmm............


Whaddya call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?


Ilene.....




so there!

dv

 

[woodyinnyc]

That dog with no legs, I'd call him Cigarette...








You have to take him out for a drag!:eusa_doh:

 

[up196]

Oh no, not another one

What do you call a guy with no arm and no legs at your front door?

Matt


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pool?

Bob

What do you call the same guy in a hole?

Phil

 

[Novella]

What do you call the same guy in a hole?

Phil

And that guy in the trunk of your car?

Jack

The man jokes are great. BegintheBeguine's Mayonnaise joke is great too (resisting bad pun....)

 

[Dan G]

What do you call the electrician with no arms and no legs?

Sparky


What about the girl with no arms and no legs rolling around on the beach?


Sandy

 

[Flying Scotsman]

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a museum?

Art.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs waterskiing?

Skip.

 

[52Styleline]

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet," Ole asked excitedly? "No," replied Lars. "Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"


So Sven and Ole are walking home from the tavern late at night and they head down the railroad tracks, and Sven says, "This is the longest flight of stairs I ever climbed in my life." And Ole says, "Yeah, it's not the stairs that bother me so much, it's these low railings."

Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice." Ole an Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, " There are no fish under the ice." They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?" The voice spoke back, "No you idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant."

 

[Steve]

This is a joke about my church, which is known for being extremely laid back...

At the start of a meeting of world religious leaders, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire and we're all trapped."

The Methodists gathered in a corner and discussed the social and ecological significance of fire.

The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"

The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.

The Lutherans posted a fire notice on the door.

The Catholics began a bingo game to cover the damage.

The Jews declared a fire feast.

The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself!"

The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"

The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched in protest against the fire.

The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no such thing as fire.

The Unitarians proclaimed the fire had no power over them.

The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.

The Pentecostals said, "It's the Holy Spirit!"

Some time later everyone was dead and gone...and then the Calvary Chapel leaders showed up.

"Sorry we're late! Whhhhat HAPPENED?"

 

[Mike in Seattle]

A successful businessman takes his first vacation in over 25 years, leaving his business and beloved cat in the care of his brother. Arriving back in his hotel room after his first relaxing day on the beach in Honolulu, he calls his brother to see how things are going. His brother says, "Your cat's dead. It got ran over."

"How could you break such tragic news to me like that? Have you no feeling? This is the first day of a two week vacation, my first vacation in 25 years, a vacation that's costing me a fortune. And now it's completely ruined! How could you be so cruel and thoughtless?"

"Well, how should I have broken the news?"

"On day one, you tell me the cat's up on the roof and you can't get her down. On the second day, you could say the cat's still up there but the fire department's coming to get her down. The next day, you say the fireman got the cat, but the cat got spooked on the ladder. The fireman dropped the cat, but it's in surgery and the vet's doing all he can. Then, the next day, you say the cat didn't make it. That way, it's not such a shock, and I'm better prepared for the bad news."

"OK, I'll keep that in mind."

"How's the business? How's Mom doing?"

"Uh....Mom's on the roof and we can't get her down."

 

[Doh!]

A drunk was weaving his way down the sidewalk. Two nuns were approaching him from the opposite direction. They wanted nothing to do with him so they went around him, one on each side.

The drunk turned around and said, "Sheesh! How the hell'd she do that?!"

 

[Tommy Fedora]

A little political humor....

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?" "Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

 

[Cousin Hepcat]

Don't know if these qualify... physician medical chart entries collected by HMO workers:


Patient has had no shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

Healthy appearing 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.


(Wish I'd saved others from one of my classmates who's worked as a technician; she showed me an *even better* list she'd made...)

 

[Roaring Days]

a bit left of centre but still a good one....

2 men are drinking in a bar, after several hours they start talking to each other, after a few more they get on to more personal details.

The first man says “you know, I‘m a Sadist, I get pleasure out of inflicting pain on other people”

The second man says “really, you know I’m a masochist, I get pleasure out of receiving pain from other people”

“I have a rather large bull whip at home, would you like to come and see it”

“YES Indeed”

so a short while later the sadist is in a corner of an empty room, with an enormous whip wrapped around his body….in the other corner, stood the masochist, stark naked, just quivering with anticipation….

This is the scene for about ten minutes, until the masochist pipes up from the corner…..”Well, aren’t you going to whip me”









The Sadist replies”……………hmmmmmmmmmmmmm maybe”

 

[Joie DeVive]

The Sadist replies”……………hmmmmmmmmmmmmm maybe”

Ah, that's the long version of this one:

The masochist runs up to the sadist and says: "Hurt me, hurt me!"

And the sadist says: "Nooooo."

 

[Tommy Fedora]

Did you hear about the midget that got thrown out of the nudist colony for sticking his nose into everybody's business ?

 

[Sweet Polly Purebred]

Did you hear about the midget that got thrown out of the nudist colony for sticking his nose into everybody's business ?

Bada Bing!


:eusa_clap

 

[up196]

A wealthy couple . . .

A wealthy couple have their first child, a son, who is unfortnately born without a torso. He' only a head.

They arrange for the best care for their son and spend all their time seeking someone who can reemdy this unfortunate situation.

After 20 years, the parents visit a Doctor in Switzerland who assures them that the can, indeed, attach a functioning torso to their son, thus enabling him to lead a normal life.

The parents are so excited, the rush home where the mother exclaims to the son "Your father and I have a wonderful surprise for you!"

And the son thinks "I hope it's not another hat."