The Era -- Day By Day

[LizzieMaine]

("Well, at least th' roof didn't leak," sighs Uncle Frank, flicking his flashlight around his dark and gloomy Flatlands warehouse. "Here, Jimmy," he continues, "whaaat's th' waaard on th' powarr? Didjee do as Oi told ye an' aaask farr Cavenaaar down at th' Edison aaahfice?" "He was pretty soeh, Pop," shrugs Jimmy. "He said them last two cawrtons a' smokes ya sent'im tasted like t'ey come out'va pencil shawrpeneh." Uncle Frank sighs with annoyance. "Doon'ee know," he eyerolls, "tharrr'sa waaar ahhn?" "Show ya beam oveh heeh, woulja?" requests Jimmy, holding up his wrist. "I wanna see what time." Uncle Frank complies, and Jimmy squares his shoulders and takes a deep breath. "I gotta go, Pop," he explains. "If I don' get me rounds done, t'ol' lady'll have me neck. Um, I mean Ma, Ma will have me neck." "Thisss is oonsatisfactory," exhales Uncle Frank. "We gotta find a proparr replacement farr th' Hoppar. Oi need you tendin' t' business here. Don'chee know ANYBODY?" "I dunno, Pop," replies Jimmy, holding out his arms. "Don'cha know t'ezza wawr on?")

A 28-year-old mother of five already facing charges of forging American Legion welfare fund checks now faces a new charge passing a worthless check to a grocer in College Point. Mrs. Josephine Commissso of 10-11 W. 127th Street was arraigned on the new charge in Flushing Court before Magistrate Joseph D'Andrea, and was paroled for a hearing there on September 25th. She is accused of writing a worthless check for $57.50 at the store of Mrs. Adele Bunghardt at 125-19th 20th Avenue. She had been scheduled last Monday to appear in Long Island City Court on charges that she wrote five worthless checks against the welfare account of the College Point American Legion, but she failed to appear. Her bail was revoked and a warrant issued for her arrest. When brought before Magistrate D'Andrea, Mrs. Commisso maintained that she had not received the summons to appear in Long Island City, and her bail was, on that ground, restored.

("T'at's ya plutocrats fawr yeh," sneers Sally. "Stealin' undehweah. Y'know, I ain' had no new undehweah since befoeh t'wawr, an' when I *did* have new undehweah, it neveh come from no Lawrd n' Tayleh." "I bet t'em Namm's labels impressed Rudy," snickers Alice. "Shuddup!" snaps Sally, flushing red as eyes roll across the car...)

("I have nothing to do with the Copa. I could prove it but I left all my paperwork in the back of a cab.")

("Nonsense," says Mr. Costello. "Besides, they can find me any night of the week at the Copa.")

(The slider? Just a fad.)

(Just a minute there, Doc. When did you get certification as a marriage counselor? You don't NEED certification? Oh, well, carry on then.)

("Bucking the ponies? What is this, Red Ryder?)

("Hm. What would Henry Fonda do?")

(Shoulda stopped for coffee, kids!)

(MUSIC: Suspense cue, hold under.)

 

[LizzieMaine]

And in the Daily News...

"What's it like in one'a t'em tanks," wonders Joe. "You ever been in one?" "Neh," shrugs the Corporal. "Dowannuh, neithuh." "Aw, c'mon," continues Joe. "Ain'cha curious?" "I nevuh been in no oven," sighs the Corporal, "an' I don' crave t'be in one'a them neithuh!"

That's not how you spell "trysting."

While the Allies break the Westwall, Charlie breaks the Fourthwall.

Funny you should mention that.

"School! Ah, where's my two-toned corduroy pants!"

Please welcome today's guest writer, Mr. Raymond Chandler.

"Oh, that reminds me. Mr. Durocher called again, wants to know if you can come by the ballpark after school today. He says he's desperate."

"Bide ya time, kid," sighs Alice, "an'nen make a break fawr it!"

"Besiiiiiiiide an oooopen fiiiiiiiire liiiiiight, I dream my dear of yoooooooooo"

Y'know, kid, you can mess around with your relatives all you want, but when you mess with the Bell System you mess with TROUBLE.

 

[Fading Fast]

"I bet t'em Namm's labels impressed Rudy," snickers Alice

LOL. Alice keeps that one in her hip pocket always ready to go.

 

[LizzieMaine]

("Howcum," queries Leonora, absorbing the morning sunshine next to her mother on the front stoop, "Howcum Willie gets t'go t'school, 'n I don't?" "Y'ain' old'anuff," sighs Sally. "Willie's six, yeh on'y t'ree." "I'm gifted," protests Leonora. "T'at don' matteh f' school," shrugs Sally. "T'ey go by when y'was bawrn. Do'matteh how smawrt y'awr." "I'm smawrt'r'n Willie," declares Leonora, scraping on the concrete step with a shard of brick. "T'at ain' nice t'say, t'ough," sighs Sally. "I'm smawrteh'n Willie," repeats Leonoreh. "He don' know what a slommachine is 'n' I do." "Hmnh," hmns Sally, only half hearing the comment. She glances over at her daughter and shakes her head. "You read'n too many'a t'em funny books oveh t'ya gran'ma's," she sighs. "Anyways, you c'n be too smawrt f'ya own good. Ya betta wawtch'it." "I'm smawrt'er'n YOU," frowns Leonora. "Izzat what t'eh tellin'ya upta t'at clinic?" growls Sally. "I'm gonna have a tawk wit' Docteh Minkoff." "When's Pa comin' home?" queries Leonora. "I dunno," sighs Sally. "I'm smawrteh'n Pa," observes Leonora, "but he don' caeh." "Mmmph," mmphs Sally. Leonora glances down at the column of numbers she has scrawled on the step, and ponders them. She glances over again at her mother. "D' YOU caeh?" she asks. Sally looks back at her daughter. "You really awr," she sighs, "too smawrt f'ya own good...")

Commuter service on the Long Island Railroad yesterday was restored to "practically normal" conditions yesterday following Thursday night's hurricane. But some acknowledged that service lapses remained and commuters themselves were exchanging stories of suffering while they waited, sometimes for hours, for trains that failed to arrive or trains that took many times the normal running time to reach their destinations. Meanwhile, while electrical service has been restored to most of Brooklyn, roughly half of Nassau and Suffolk counties remained without power as of this morning. The total metropolitan death toll from the storm stands at 39, 18 of them in Brooklyn and on Long Island.

Sundown tonight ushers in the Jewish New Year of 5705, as the observance of Rosh ha-Shana begins the ten-day period of Jewish high holy days culminating with the solemn observance of the Day of Atonement, Yom Kippur. Special Rosh ha-Shana services will be observed at every Brooklyn synagogue with numerous public halls and auditoriums rented to accomodate additional worshipers.

("Izzeh gonna be rides?" enthuses Willie. "Neh," shrugs Krause. "Y'c'n ride t' excalateh," proposes Alice. "YEH!" cheer Willie and Krause.)

("Dear Bobo, All is forgiven. Well, most of it. You're still a fathead, but I could sure use your arm. Leo.")

("You should see my bedpost." "What?" "Nuthin'.")

(Does Petunia Pig wear a wig? I always wondered.)

(Which reminds me, I wonder what Pat Ryan's up to.)

(So ends the era of bearded Presidents. Moustaches resume next week!)

(Lucky Scarlet. Clearly doesn't suffer from seasonal depressive disorder.)

("They make a WRITUH a Technician Futh Grade?" huffs the Corporal. "Whut's th' awrmy comin' tuh!")

(PUT DOWN THOSE SHEARS AT ONCE! THEY'RE ONLY TO BE USED FOR CUTTING FABRIC!)

 

[LizzieMaine]

And in the Daily News...

You sure it's not just some guy with a skullcap and a Flit gun?

Come now, an ascot is never proper when hand-hoeing. An ascot is correctly worn only with morning overalls, while riding a tractor.

"Over there, the one under the giant floating arrow." "Oh, that's just the minute hand from the church clock. Blew off in the hurricane."

"That's one way to solve her servant problem." Maybe she can pick some fruit too.

Um, THAT ISN'T WHAT SHE SAID.

"Oh, well, then, that's OK."

Half a page of interesting bird facts and then you SHOOT THE BIRD? I don't think Mr. Mosely will ever make it with a nature strip.

Yes, it's true, the majority of cheerleaders were men.

Hey Tula, are you still in town? Check out Skeez's little brother.

And to think they banned Sally from Loew's Oriental for throwing a brick thru the screen.

 

[LizzieMaine]

And also...

"BLOOOOOODY AMATCHOORS!" roars Ma.

 

[Fading Fast]

Which reminds me, I wonder what Pat Ryan's up to.

Pat has been out of the picture a long time. I hope he wrote a good contract and is still getting paid. Kidding aside, I miss him - he's a good character.

 

[Fading Fast]

And also...

"BLOOOOOODY AMATCHOORS!" roars Ma.

"Aren't all bookmakers nude?" - Valley Stream City Council.

 

[LizzieMaine]

I imagine Pat, Connie, and Stoop are crawling thru the jungle with knives between their teeth on a deadly commando mission for the DL, and they're loving every minute of it.

 

[LizzieMaine]

("Yeh," says Sally, "I'm goin' out t'night t'ring dawrbells roun'a neighbehood f' t' A. L. P. Jus' don' let Leonoreh lissen t'none'a t'em radio programs 'bout crooks an' racketeehs an' awlat. She gets enougha t'at stuff fr'm t'em funny books she reads oveh't' stoeh. I dunno what I'm gonna -- hey, awr you lissenin' t'me?" Alice makes no reply, her eyes fixed on one particular story on the Eagle's front page. "Hey," continues Sally. "Awr you LISSENIN' t'me?" Alice hands over the paper and points to the story. "Oh," inhales Sally. "Jeezuz.")

Twenty thousand German soldiers surrendered near the River Loire to a group of 24 Americans who marched them to the American 23rd Division, despite protests by the French, who objected to the Americans' decision to allow the captive troops to retain their weapons. It was explained that the 24 US soldiers did not feel they could adequately protect the German prisoners from the vengeance of the Maquis. The German force under the command of Maj. Gen. Erich Elster, had been harrased for weeks by Maquis guerillas and the U. S. Ninth Air Force, and when it encountered an American patrol led by Lt. Samuel A. McGill of Ashtabula, Ohio, Gen. Elster promptly surrendered.

The Berlin Radio said today that a deep Russian breakthru toward the Latvian capital of Riga created a critical situation for German troops in the Baltics, who would be trapped by a fifteen-mile Soviet advance to the North Sea. Berlin added that other Red Army units were pushing against Nazi defenses between the Vistula and the Bug Rivers northwest of the capital.

("Ye know, Nora," chuckles Uncle Frank, "sometoimes Oi wondarr if we're gettin' th' moost oota loife." "Hmph," hmphs Ma, tearing the top off a new display box of Tums and sliding it across the counter. Uncle Frank immediately helps himself to two rolls, and Ma frowns, pointing wordlessly at her cash register. Gulping down two of the white tablets, Uncle Frank points at his shirt cuff, and Ma exhales. "Oi dunno aboot gettin' th' moost oota loife," sighs Ma. "But yarr gettin' th' moost oota me stock." "Oi'll settle, Oi'll settle," reassures Uncle Frank, "boot Oi wish me stoomach would. Oi think what Oi need is soom exarrsoise. Whatcha say mee'n you goo out t'one'a these noitclubs. Warr boond t'roon inta soom action. Let's goo upta Flynn's, an' maybe we'll see oom cel-le-brooties poonchin' each oothar in th' face." "Oi'd ratharr goo bowlin'," declares Ma. "Oop t'Mistarr Fitzsimmons' place." "Mistarr Fitzsimmons," scoffs Uncle Frank. "He won't even be tharrr. He's doon in Philly, roonin' that parr excuse farr'a baahl cloob." "Th' parr man," sighs Ma. "Oi wish Oi could doo soomthin' farr'im." "Send'im," suggests Uncle Frank, in the throes of a powerful belch, "a boxa Tooms! An' here now -- poot it ahhn me account!")

Mayor LaGuardia found himself yesterday the butt of a blistering attack from Magistrate Abner Surpless, after 37 neighborhood card players ended up in his courtroom after a pair of weekend raids on the same Brownsville apartment. The raids on the residence at 372 Amboy Street found thirteen of those card players arrested twice. "The people ought to know who in the city is responsible for these 'disorderly conduct' arrests," fumed the Magistrate. "They are entitled to know and the sooner the Mayor gets that in his brain the sooner people won't be annoyed anymore." Surpless went on to declare that "people have a perfect right to play cards in their homes, and even to shoot craps if they so desire, as long as they don't annoy anyone else." He further noted that such games can't be so bad if the Army and Navy furnish cards and dice for the use of men in the service.

(Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick ...)

(The Brooklyn Tigers? That doesn't even make sense.)

(Yeah, Mary. Pistols at ten paces.)

(Tsk. Guess you didn't get Magistrate Surpless.)

(You could just carry the box outside with you. That's it. Nonchalant.)

(DIDN'T YOUR MOTHER EVER TEACH YOU 'DON'T LEAN ON THE DOOR!')

(Maybe he's got cookies!)

 

[LizzieMaine]

And in the Daily News...

"Murder Orgy." Keep in mind headlines are often dictated by the space available.

"Hmph," hmphs Artie Shaw.

How does Dunkie get the top of his head so perfectly flat?

I dunno, Gert, the Victory Bob is right in style.

Well, it had to happen. Go drink a soda, kid.

Well, as long as everybody's crazy here, we might as well just be going....

"Hypocritical shade of a witch!" One does admire Mr. Gray's circumlocutions.

"Well then, more for me." "What?" "Nothing."

"Oh, is that all? BACK TO BED."

 

[LizzieMaine]

And also...

If you're not going to pay the light bill, fine -- but don't stand in front of the window!

 

[Fading Fast]

And also...

If you're not going to pay the light bill, fine -- but don't stand in front of the window!

Maybe I haven't been paying close attention, but these seem to be getting more risqué than in the past.