Parents: When May Our Children Start Dating?

[Air Boss]

Close but not quite

Rip off HIS arm and beat her with it. I have had "the talk" with my eldest two boys and the main themes are:

1. No always means no;
2. Never go out without your party hat.

In my wife's High School they had to take the Life Skills classroom (stove, fridge, etc.) and turn it into a room for new mothers. They have freshman in this room - ack!

Because it's easier and cheaper to rip off her little arm and beat her senseless with it?










(kidding!)

 

[scotrace]

As my mother did

Anyone remember their mother suggesting aspirin as birth control?

Seriously, let's not divert to a discussion of teen promiscuity.

Our sons and daughters, of course, are ladies and gentlemen. I'm trying to learn when you first were permitted to date.

 

[crazylegsmurphy]

I shall answer your question.

I was never not permitted to date. My parents always talked to me about what was going on, what I thought, who I liked and such...so they knew exactly when I wanted to date.

They explained to me every aspect of sex and dating and they told me thier views on the subject. I went out on my first date with a girl named Lindsay when I was in grade 5 (she was in grade 6) we went to the movies and out for Boston Pizza.

As I got older I dated a lot of girls, one named Laura I dated for almost 6 months when I was in grade 8...I had my first kiss with her, and she even suggested we shower together (clothing on of course). My parents didn't know about that of course...but my mom knew exactly when I thought I was ready to have sex at age 17 with my 1 year girlfriend. She told me that she wanted me to wait, but I didn't want to after what felt like careful consideration then.

My mom gave me protection, reminded me of her thougts and sent me on my way....

 

[yachtsilverswan]

Our sons and daughters, of course, are ladies and gentlemen. I'm trying to learn when you first were permitted to date.

Direct questions deserve direct answers. Pardon my prior pontification.

As a first born male in the South, I could do no wrong in my family's eyes, and was given wide latitude as long as my parents knew where I was. I was allowed to one-on-one date at age 14 in the early 1970s. My dad would drive us to the movies, and we'd walk around downtown afterward until he picked us up. I was also allowed to attend poorly chaperoned house parties in friend's basements or at a backyard pool, as long as my parents knew the other parents. It was those Junior High school parties where I had my first kiss, and more.

I was allowed to borrow my Mom's car at age 16 (Caprice Woody Wagon - what was she thinking?). I think I had an 11:00 pm curfew, and was not allowed to date on weeknights.

At age 17, I got my own car ('75 Ford Grenada - what was I thinking?), and only then had a steady girlfriend. My family never discussed sex, but I read a lot in the library. This was a decade before AIDS, and I don't think I understood that herpes could be a lifelong curse. I figured my job was to prevent pregnancy - and I thought that any STD's could be cured with a shot of penicillin. As luck would have it, all of those little bugs missed me, and my dates all remained nulliparous. Lost my virginity in Myrtle Beach at age 16.

I had beer at parties in high school, but never got drunk until my Freshman year of college. Some parents in the 70's thought it was better to buy the kids a keg and toss them in the basement or out at the pool. The parents thought that was better than having us out on the streets - drinking and driving. But in the 1980's the courts began to hold parents liable for allowing alcohol to be served to minors.

My parents had a stable loving marriage, and were perfect role models in their behavior. But because they never talked with me about sex, relationships, drugs, or alcohol, I never felt comfortable talking with them about sex, relationships, drugs, or alcohol. A mistake on their part, and a mistake on my part. I think they just expected me to behave to their standards. They did emphasize that I should finish my education before marrying - they had married just before WWII at age 16 and 17 - and I think their first years together were very hard because of their youth.

The Commodore tips his bartender.

 

[mysterygal]

I think you need to reword your post a bit to fit reality... .

I don't think I need to reword my post at all to fit reality. Being a teenager once, I know how it is, and I assume it's only worse now. I am very open with my girls, according to their maturity level of course. Believe me, during this time, I'm training up my girls to be real ladies, I do not believe in just throwing them out to the wolves. If they want to go ahead and have sex, no I can't stop them, that kind of thinking that I can control their every move is absurd, but, I as a parent, have a huge role in how they view sex and relationships.

 

[ClassicIsBetter]

I shall answer your question.

I was never not permitted to date. My parents always talked to me about what was going on, what I thought, who I liked and such...so they knew exactly when I wanted to date.

They explained to me every aspect of sex and dating and they told me thier views on the subject. I went out on my first date with a girl named Lindsay when I was in grade 5 (she was in grade 6) we went to the movies and out for Boston Pizza.

As I got older I dated a lot of girls, one named Laura I dated for almost 6 months when I was in grade 8...I had my first kiss with her, and she even suggested we shower together (clothing on of course). My parents didn't know about that of course...but my mom knew exactly when I thought I was ready to have sex at age 17 with my 1 year girlfriend. She told me that she wanted me to wait, but I didn't want to after what felt like careful consideration then.

My mom gave me protection, reminded me of her thougts and sent me on my way....

Are your parents socialists? Just asking..

 

[Marc Chevalier]

Why do you think that they might be socialists?

.

 

[Roger]

The parents have a very big responsiblity in how their children behave. There is no such thing as "well, they'll do it anyway" If they do anything anyway then the parents have not done a good job. My girls will follow a set of rules when they become teenagers. Call me patriarcal, but that is how it will be run in my house. By, the way, I was 27 and my wife was 17 when I started dating her. Just a little fftopic:

 

[crazylegsmurphy]

Are your parents socialists? Just asking..

No, my parents aren't socialists, or anything like that. My parents simply are of the school of thought that strong arm tactics and obedience based on fear isn't the way to raise a child.

I was always given a choice to do what I wanted from religion, to sex, to what school I wanted to attend. My parents would always talk to me about what they felt was the best path, give me thier idea of what might happen one way or the other, or help me find the information needed to be well informed.

I feel this has served my brother and I very well.

The parents have a very big responsiblity in how their children behave. There is no such thing as "well, they'll do it anyway" If they do anything anyway then the parents have not done a good job. My girls will follow a set of rules when they become teenagers. Call me patriarcal, but that is how it will be run in my house. By, the way, I was 27 and my wife was 17 when I started dating her. Just a little

My question to you is...what are you going to do? When you child realizes that you're threats are nothing more than that, then what?

As well, I don't think that is a true statement that it's always the parents fault. There are a lot of factors that contribute to the formation of a childs mind, and for the most part as a parent you are only a part of thier day for a short amount of time all things considered.

You hope your kids will follow your rules, and in my opinon you may push and push, and they will push back passivly or aggressively.

This is kinda my whole point with this subject. I feel that in a subject like dating for example...in todays world you need to be the one closest to your childern. If you watch any of the million parent/kid movies out there you'll see a trend of a parent barking orders and the kids just rolling thier eyes knowing full well they don't understand at all what is actually going on.

Kids always get labled as morons for the most part. Many parents seem to have this idea that they are so limited in what they can do, but fail to see what they have to deal with, and what they are able to accomplish. To treat them like morons will in my opinon force them to rebel to find thier own place, but if they are always treated as equal and have a say in what they do, I think they will be much better for it.

P.s. I'm not attacking anyone or anything, I'm just voicing my opinion...so please don't take it personally.

 

[Mr. Sable]

My boy will be 16 in February. He's not allowed to date until the salt petre and sodium pentathol kick in.

 

[Paisley]

I as a parent, have a huge role in how they view sex and relationships.

What I've read on the subject (admittedly, my reading of it isn't extensive) has emphasized the father's relationship with the children. Kids who are closer to their fathers and have a good relationship with them, whose fathers are married to their mothers, tend to wait longer to have sex, and tend less to get married as teens. This is true for both boys and girls. The girls are a lot less like to have a baby in their teens.

Of course, the mother is important, too. Usually, when I see a mother and daughter together, they are dressed somewhat alike. If a girl is dressed like a tart, so is the mother. Like mother, like daughter, usually, so it's important to set a good example.

 

[mysterygal]

What I've read on the subject (admittedly, my reading of it isn't extensive) has emphasized the father's relationship with the children. Kids who are closer to their fathers and have a good relationship with them, whose fathers are married to their mothers, tend to wait longer to have sex, and tend less to get married as teens. This is true for both boys and girls. The girls are a lot less like to have a baby in their teens.

Of course, the mother is important, too. Usually, when I see a mother and daughter together, they are dressed somewhat alike. If a girl is dressed like a tart, so is the mother. Like mother, like daughter, usually, so it's important to set a good example.

And this is exactly what many doctors are saying. Since I have all girls, I've mainly read up on the role of a father in a girls life. The statistics drastically drop for a girl having teen sex if the father is a constant figure in her life. This is why I make sure my husband has a 'date night' with each girl...he takes them out and goes out for ice cream or whatever...I can really tell how much it means to the girls. But he is not very willing in the whole sex talk, so it's up to me.

 

[scotrace]

Dad of a 14 year old now...

 

[jessesgirl08]

Of course, the best plan accounts for the strength of character of your growing children - are they self-confident or do they fall prey easily to peer pressure?

Another very important consideration is that at age 18 your children may be off to college - out of town and on their own. Many parents feel it's best if their children have plenty of time at home before college to develop some comfort level with dating relationships while Mom and Dad are around to support and protect. Some parents even encourage their older children to join them in a glass of wine with dinner - to develop some familiarity and respect for alcohol before going off to college.


The Commodore's rules:

Group dates (dances or other organized activities) at 15

One on One dates at 16, but no car dates until 17 (new drivers should not be driving with the distraction of their date at their side).

No dating anyone more than one year older (until college). (Children mature quickly, and there are great differences between 16 year olds and 18 year olds).

Before all first dates, the boy or girl has to have dinner with our family. (This is the most important rule - I can judge a kid pretty well over the course of dinner.)

No alcohol, no drugs, no cigarettes, no sex, no lying. Clear but severe consequences to their future social life follows violations. Breach of trust = loss of privileges.

No dating on school nights, though friends can come to the house after homework is complete.

Children must take their cell phones whenever they leave the house, so that they can call Mom or Dad if they get into trouble. Dad does rescues without asking questions and without fear of punishment.

Curfew at midnight on weekends.

Older children are encouraged to bring their dates to our family activities – dinner, boating, the pool, even to some of our larger parties (like our Christmas Party, or our Memorial Day & Labor Day Pool Parties, or our tailgates for the Steeplechases in Atlanta and in Camden). We try to treat them as adults, and we expect their friends to be polite and respectful.

The Commodore's rules will now be in force in our home.

 

[SGT Rocket]

I haven't read this whole thread, but I didn't date much when I was a teenager. I was more of a nerd than popular. I have two children, one is four and the other is two. One child is a boy and the other a girl. I think I will allow them to date alone, with another individual, when they are 18. If they go out with a group of boys and girls, then I will probably let them do that at a younger age.

 

[Edward]

Ah, see this is one of the many, many reasons I am so glad I've never had any inclination to breed: I'll never have to deal with this sort of thing. Interesting reading the old responses.... it seems that the concept of "dating" varies enormously, from hanging out with a whole bunch of folks ("group dating"? must be a US thing?) to rampant promiscuity. I didn't go on an actual, proper date til I was, I think, 24 and had moved to another country. Could have much younger, but I was always just contrary enough to do my own thing, and rebelled hard against the notion that I should be 'going out' with someone for the sake of it, rather than because I wanted to have a relationship with a specific person. I'm still like that. I don't recall my folks ever laying down any rules with me over that sort of thing - if anything, my mother particularly just worried I wasn't "normal" and would "turn out odd" over the amount of time I spent listening to records in my own room and never having a girlfriend. I suspect she was actually worried I might be gay (which I don't imagine she'd be exactly thrilled by), though she's always refused to admit that. Certainly shut her up pretty quickly when she used to give men those "you'll have to find somebody to get married to" from I was about twenty - I discovered very quickly accusing her of thinking I was gay was a good way of terminating the conversation sharply. This moved on to the classic "I don't want you to be lonely when I die." Apparently a breezy "oh, don't worry - I'll be too busy spending my inheritance on riotous living with lots of lollipops and ice cream to even notice you're gone" was not the correct answer. lol Now it is never mentioned, though apparently my "situation" gets discussed at dinner with my sister in law who has had more than enough of it. Heh.

So, yeah, rules were never actually necessary for me. In fact, I think the only girl I ever took home (the only one of my relationships that they've actually known about) - we were put in separate rooms in my folks' place - just assumed, never discussed. I must have been in my mid late 20s at the time - that was when I was over for little brother's wedding. Didn't bother me, tbh - their house, they're entitled to say who sleeps where. They may have laid out some rules with little brother - so far as I know, his first relationship was just around the time he turned eighteen, and they got married eight years later.

 

[JimWagner]

My wife and I have two (no longer) kids. Rather than have any rules about dating as such we had a very hard and fast rule against our kids driving with other teens in the car or riding with other teens. Since they couldn't have any passengers or be passengers they didn't really date unless they were driven by parents. Pretty much eliminated dating until they went to college.

 

[1961MJS]

Hi

I have a 24 year old boy and a 21 year old girl. Girl doesn't date anymore. The boy gave it up after his last girlfriend. Both were allowed to date in High School. My son usually had a girlfriend until Freshman year in High School. No major problems.

A friend of my son's MOTHER put on a fifth grade graduation party for his daughter and her friends (including boys). Both the Mom and Dad were traditional parents. Dad apparently felt that her daughter might be able to begin dating after college. Mom was more in the Arkansas tradition "Girl you're twelve years old, why ain't you married and out of the house yet?" Dad was out of town the day after graduation, Mom threw the party. Planned kissing games for the kids 5th graders!! Nobody (well except 4H) did that when I was growing up.

Later

 

[Pompidou]

My sister was dating, parent supervised, by around 9 or so. Me, I was ridiculously shy and timid, and never asked to date. I didn't really start till college, and that was inconspicuous and kept to myself. I didn't really go crazy in that regard till about 29, but mostly 30 and 31 and to a lesser extent, the present. I still keep it discrete. Still, in the event I was more popular in childhood and started dating like normal, I'd have been able to do so as early as I wanted. It just would've been supervised and strictly controlled. Even when I got my driver's license at 17, it was strictly controlled and monitored. At first, I was only allowed to stay around town and do chores with it. It took a year or so to finally be able to have fun. I have a feeling if I wanted any sort of social life, I'd have been allowed to. I just made life for my parents so easy by not really liking people and preferring to stay inside, that the issue never came up.

 

[rue]

hmm....
I have a fifteen (almost sixteen) year old daughter. She's allowed to date when she turns sixteen, but we have to meet the boy first. My husband says that's when he'll be cleaning his gun in his military uniform on the porch like this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjO9kX4npVY

As far as the rest of it.... it's an ongoing thing raising a daughter, much more than a son (mine is 20), and a real balance between being so strict you're suffocating and letting them have too much freedom. I sure wish they would have come with instructions. It would have been so much easier.