Parents: When May Our Children Start Dating?

[kamikat]

I guess my point was that I don't see how a kid under the age 16 or 17 is even capable of dating without the active participation of a parent. And yet a lot of what I'm reading about on this thread seems to be people feeling you're powerless to stop an 11-year-old from going out alone on a date. Seems crazy to me.

You're assuming that those of us who allow our children to date at what you feel is a young age feel powerless. Personally, I feel dating is a valuable part of emotional development and don't feel a need to try to control my son's social interactions as long as he is maintaining his grades and isn't involved in criminal activity.

 

[David Conwill]

We believe dating conditions us to expect that close relationships are disposable and cheapens the most important relationship a man and woman can have on earth.

Interesting theory, and I don't necessarily disagree, although I always viewed dating as worthwhile to develop releationship skills I might use when the right mate came along. Although I never approached any relationship with the expectation that it would end short of marriage. Indeed, I married my first real girlfriend, so maybe I share your view without having explicitly articulated it.

-Dave

 

[David Conwill]

You're assuming that those of us who allow our children to date at what you feel is a young age feel powerless. Personally, I feel dating is a valuable part of emotional development and don't feel a need to try to control my son's social interactions as long as he is maintaining his grades and involved in criminal activity.

Not true. If you think your son is mature enough to carry on a romantic relationship at that age, maybe you should allow him and aid him in doing so.

Personally, I have no problem with socializing in mixed groups, but I fear the sexualization of preteens that has gone on in our society, so I think I would tend to discourage dating per se before driving age, but every kid is different, I suppose.

-David

 

[kamikat]

Not true. If you think your son is mature enough to carry on a romantic relationship at that age, maybe you should allow him and aid him in doing so.

-David

?? I just said that I do allow him to date. Currently, he's grounded for getting a D in Math so he's not going anywhere with anyone, but he went to a school dance with a girl in the fall.

 

[David Conwill]

What I mean is (and I think this would have carried through better in the spoken word; as written “should” implies some kind of encouragement that I didn’t intend) that I don’t have a problem with you allowing your son to date if you think he’s mature enough for it (and I heartily approve of mandating good grades for social privileges). However, as a rule, I don’t think pre-teens should be one-on-one dating.

I’m not sure I think of meeting a girl at a school dance as dating, particularly, though; and it certainly doesn’t require parental interaction unless you’re going to keep the child home from the dance to prevent them from seeing some other kid there in a romantic light - which would tend to make it illogical to allow a kid to go to any dance anyway.

Heck, I don’t know, when we were that age we went to the roller rink instead of having dances.

Clear as mud? I’ll shut up now.

-Dave

 

[Feraud]

However, as a rule, I don’t think pre-teens should be one-on-one dating.

I agree with this and don't see a point in pre-teens going on a "date".
That is not to say young people should not socialize, they definitely should. Dating at 11, 12...what is going on in the heads of parents..:eusa_doh:

 

[kamikat]

What's going on in the head of this parent is that I was allowed to at that age and I see nothing wrong with it.

 

[AtomicEraTom]

That's always my thinking on it as well. Before I begin a relationship, I go, Do I see myself with her years from now?

Interesting theory, and I don't necessarily disagree, although I always viewed dating as worthwhile to develop releationship skills I might use when the right mate came along. Although I never approached any relationship with the expectation that it would end short of marriage. Indeed, I married my first real girlfriend, so maybe I share your view without having explicitly articulated it.

-Dave

 

[John in Covina]

The question points towards the idea of social development and what is a good age. I'd say that there is value in children and teens being together to develop social graces and friendships. Dating moves towards the concept of love. Love is a great and powerful emotion that can bring one to wonderment and to despair.

The answer is there probably is no firm date or age that can be offered, it's more a question of what type of maturity and responsibility can your child handle? In the end it's up to the parents to try to figure it out. Crushes, young love, raging hormones, peer pressure, various influences and upbringing all come into play.

 

[sheeplady]

That's always my thinking on it as well. Before I begin a relationship, I go, Do I see myself with her years from now?

When I was over 19 I started to think this way, and then worked towards a compatible relationship because I realized that dating someone who didn't have the same goals as me was a waste of my time. (Personal opinion). Some high school relationships do last, but given my life goals in high school I knew that I'd probably never marry a young man I dated in high school (and I was told this by my parents, who outright told me that they would prefer that I date many people before I settle down).

My parents were raised in the 1950s, where dating was an important part of the socialization process. I would say (given their open attitudes towards dating) that they thought that I should date a lot, at a young age, in order to experience the ups and downs of relationships while I was still under their roof and they could help me directly.

I have a friend who at 30 just went through her first breakup (ever) and she is devestated. I understand that relationships at 30 are different than at 18, but she has never experienced this before and I think that has made it tougher on her. She tied a lot of romantic ideals onto her relationship because she had never been in one before. (She was prohibited from dating in high school and in college by her parents.)

And I really have to emphasize that sex is a separate issue from dating. There are people who have sex without dating and people who date without sex. And by saying people I am including those under 18. I strongly believe that parents should talk about dating, sex, and dating & sex to their children.

 

[Puzzicato]

And I really have to emphasize that sex is a separate issue from dating. There are people who have sex without dating and people who date without sex. And by saying people I am including those under 18. I strongly believe that parents should talk about dating, sex, and dating & sex to their children.

That is a very good point, well made.

 

[David Conwill]

And I really have to emphasize that sex is a separate issue from dating. There are people who have sex without dating and people who date without sex. And by saying people I am including those under 18. I strongly believe that parents should talk about dating, sex, and dating & sex to their children.

I respectfully disagree. Dating without physical attraction, whether acted upon or not, is just friendship with a person of the opposite sex; which is an entirely different creature from dating.

-Dave

 

[kamikat]

I respectfully disagree. Dating without physical attraction, whether acted upon or not, is just friendship with a person of the opposite sex; which is an entirely different creature from dating.

-Dave

She said date without sex, not date without physical attraction. It is certainly possible to date someone you are attracted to without having sex. In terms of teen relationships, the idea of sex is one that should be dealt with in addition to dealing with the idea of romantic dating.

 

[rue]

Anyone that thinks their kids are dating, but not having sex or doing some sort of sexual act is fooling themselves. Almost every man I've ever known said they had sex or something in that realm between the ages of 11 and 13 usually with an older girl. All my girlfriends had sex by the time they were 14 or 15. I was called a prude because I waited longer.

 

[Tomasso]

It happened at your Sweet Sixteen party, did't it.....

 

[rue]

It happened at your Sweet Sixteen party, did't it.....

:rofl: no Tomasso

 

[kamikat]

Anyone that thinks their kids are dating, but not having sex or doing some sort of sexual act is fooling themselves. Almost every man I've ever known said they had sex or something in that realm between the ages of 11 and 13 usually with an older girl. All my girlfriends had sex by the time they were 14 or 15. I was called a prude because I waited longer.

Oh, I'm not fooling myself. I just think I've taught my son about birth control and he's been around enough babies to know how much work they are (we have several friends with infants). I don't ever plan on encouraging it but I hope the lines of communication are open enough that he can ask me or his father to get him condoms if/when he needs them. Biologically, the body is ready for sex much earlier than the societal norm. When I was pregnant with my first son, I asked my OB/GYN when the best time to have a baby was. She said that the typical female is bested suited to carry and deliver a baby and recover in optimum time between the ages of 15 and 20. For most of human history, having babies before the age of 30 was normal. Sexual urges are a natural function of the human body. It is only our modern society that tries that pretend that humans should wait such a long time.

 

[rue]

Oh, I'm not fooling myself. I just think I've taught my son about birth control and he's been around enough babies to know how much work they are (we have several friends with infants). I don't ever plan on encouraging it but I hope the lines of communication are open enough that he can ask me or his father to get him condoms if/when he needs them. Biologically, the body is ready for sex much earlier than the societal norm. When I was pregnant with my first son, I asked my OB/GYN when the best time to have a baby was. She said that the typical female is bested suited to carry and deliver a baby and recover in optimum time between the ages of 15 and 20. For most of human history, having babies before the age of 30 was normal. Sexual urges are a natural function of the human body. It is only our modern society that tries that pretend that humans should wait such a long time.

I wasn't pointing you out Kamikat I just know what most of them are up to.
I waited because my mom got pregnant with me the very first time she did the deed at the age of 17. I may not have waited as long as I should have, but it sure discouraged me from doing it when all my friends were.

 

[sheeplady]

She said date without sex, not date without physical attraction. It is certainly possible to date someone you are attracted to without having sex. In terms of teen relationships, the idea of sex is one that should be dealt with in addition to dealing with the idea of romantic dating.

Yes, this is what I meant. And by sex I mean the broad defintion of sexual activties (not just sexual intercourse). Sexual activities that can spread STDs. (I'm not sure if using the actual terms would violate the FL's policy on language.)

Anyone that thinks their kids are dating, but not having sex or doing some sort of sexual act is fooling themselves.

Well, according to this: http://www.kff.org/youthhivstds/upload/U-S-Teen-Sexual-Activity-Fact-Sheet.pdf only about half of US teens in grades 9-12 have had sex. (The fact sheet is from 2005, but I also dug through a document from the CDC that looked at a whole bunch of things for teens and it said the same through 2009). Most people I know who waited did so because of fear of pregnancy, HIV, or were religious. It's not like these people didn't have chances to do things, they chose not to.

And it's also not safe to assume if your child is not dating, that means their not having sex. You have to prepare your kids for life. When I have children, I figure that even if they choose to wait until they are married at age 25 or 35- I want them to know as much about sex as they need to know, and the appropriate time to start talking about it is pre-puberty. I don't think it is going to be easy or delightful, but it is a parental responsibility of mine. I view it less as preventing my child from having sex and more about helping them make good sexual choices.

I've seen some parents assume that once they have the sex talk all is good- and they never talk about dating. Just like I really don't want my kids to get their sex ed from the movies, I don't want them to get their dating education from the movies either.

 

[kamikat]

According to your link, the rates have declined. I find that hard to believe. It is, after all, based on self reporting. Back when I was in high school, the average age to lose one's virginity was about 14 and I'd say 80% were sexually active by graduation. However, this was right before it was widely known that HIV could be passed to heterosexuals just as easily as homosexuals. It's possible that fear of AIDS changed the teen sexual culture.