Parents: When May Our Children Start Dating?

[sheeplady]

I never had a "age" at which I could date, and my mother asked me frequently about my crushes and likes. I was basically given free latitude to do what I wanted as far as dating, given that my parents approved of the person. I knew that under no circumstances would my parents tolerate certain types of men (abusers, drug users, drinkers, the unemployed, or unambitious). My parents were extremely strict about certain things, but they had no problems with me dating.

My parents tried to set me up a few times, and my mom was always encouraging me to accept dates for dances even in middle school (but I mostly wanted to go stag because my girl friends went stag). In fact, I think the first time my parents tried to set me up on a date I was about 13, with a boy that was about 16 that I had known for years and had once had a crush on.

I dated in high school and college. I wasn't really serious until the end of college. While I wouldn't try to set my child up, I like to think that wouldn't mind them dating as long as I approve of the person (while they are under my roof). But when I have children, I know part of me will want to lock them in the cellar.

 

[AtomicEraTom]

I told my sister she's not allowed to date until she's married and that I will pick her husband. I started dating at 12, it was just harmless kid stuff then, ya know?

 

[1961MJS]

Hi

A guy at work mentioned this to me, and it worked somewhat with my kid's and their friends. Ron had (then) a 20 year old daughter and a 14 year old son. The daughter had just gone on her first date after 2 years in college.

Girls who grow up without a boy in the house are boy crazy at a MUCH younger age than girls that have a brother. My son had girls calling at 3 AM in 4th grade (maybe third). Most of those girls didn't have brothers. Girls with brothers have seen them pick their nose, scratch their butt, have smelled their sweaty socks, found their underwear all around the house etc. These girls have NO GLORIFIED ROMANTIC IDEAS about boys. Boys fart etc. Girls without brothers get their ideas about boys from "Saved by the Bell", "Hannah Montana", and "iCarly" etc.

Hope this helps out a little.

 

[Wolfen]

Growing up we were always told 16. I really started dating at 21 through my own personal choice. Now I have a 4 month old daughter who is so beautiful I am already having nightmares about her growing up and starting to date. Her rules will be similar to the commodores rules (see previous page). They are sensible and mirror my own values.

 

[kamikat]

I had my first "boyfriend" at 11, but it was just holding hands, walking to class and hanging out together at school dances. We never went anywhere outside of school. My first real boyfriend was at 14. I have no restrictions, other than home by 9 on school nights and 1am on the weekends once I was in highschool. I have two sons, currently 8 and almost 12. They have no restrictions regarding dating other than maintaining their grades. The younger one is still in the "girls are yucky" stage. The older one has gone to a school dance with a girl but his last report card had a bad grade so he can't go anywhere (with girls or male friends) until his next report card.

 

[David Conwill]

How does a kid who can't drive go on a date?

-Dave

 

[kamikat]

The parents drive the kids to the movie theater, mall or whatever.

 

[Mr. Hallack]

My mom pushed me to go dating, sometime around 15. I went to social events like dances, parties, etc. But never dated cause I felt so akward about what to do or say, etc. I wasn't really the most confident person on the planet. She kept hinting and pushing me to date, and I dated a few women briefly when I was in my early 20's, which got my mom excited to no end (she wanted grandkids) but it never lasted for than a few weeks, except for one gal where we dated for about 10 months. After that I got fed up with the dating scene and except for an occasional date (usually a group one with friends) I didn't bother dating. The way things ended in my last relationship just left a bad feeling in me. So I intentionally stayed single for several years, which infuriated my mother, but I never felt more free to do what I WANTED. That ended when I met my spouse (online of all places) and moved to Maine, still together after 11+ years, and very happy!!

Sadly she and my dad didn't live long enough to meet their grandchildren Oh and my dad never bothered to inquire about things like dating when I was in my 20's, I think he felt it wasn't his business, which I did appreciate his stance.

The interesting part, now I am a parent, is rules about dating, or even what to do. Both of our boys are autistic, though our oldest is very high functioning and by the time he's a teen will likely be pretty close to normal. But we'll need to find a way to make sure that he knows our rules and also watch for him not being taken advantage of due to his disability. With our youngest not high functioning, there may not be a dating issue. Which brings up a question I have, is anyone else in my situation with their kids, and how do you think you'd handle this? Actually anyone with advice is welcome.

 

[sheeplady]

How does a kid who can't drive go on a date?

-Dave

Easy- You date someone who can. A car is a hot commodity.

But being dropped off or group dating with an older sibling (of someone in the group) also works too. I do imagine that in cities with public transportation, there is that option too.

 

[AtomicEraTom]

Ahh, I remember when I got my license, I already had my 60 Bel-Air and I had a lot of dates. Girls had much more interest in the car than in the guy driving it and thoroughly enjoying the AM radio lol

 

[Pompidou]

Ahh, I remember when I got my license, I already had my 60 Bel-Air and I had a lot of dates. Girls had much more interest in the car than in the guy driving it and thoroughly enjoying the AM radio lol

Like you, I've had a car since the day I've had my license. Unlike you, the cars were never cool. First one was a Dodge Caravan. The rule of cars seems to be, the less women a car can carry, the more women a car attracts. The caravan sat eight including the driver. My next vehicle and still kicking around as my current is a pretty worn out 95 Chevy S10 - a tiny 4 cylinder that can't go up hills. It's the same one I'm driving in my avatar. You'd read my invented rule of cars and think I had it made - this truck only seats 3 max, 2 comfortably. That said, I'm not now, nor have I ever been, a country-boy, truck driving, blue collar looking sort of guy. So, it did me no good with the crowd that would've been into a beater truck. Still, I always did appreciate having the vehicle, because I would've had no dates whatsoever had I had to ask for a ride. I kept my (then almost nonexistent) dating life pretty secret, because I only report good news, and explaining why a date didn't work was a nightmare for me.

 

[AtomicEraTom]

Around here, girls love a truck, this is a very country place. Sadly, my Silverado is kind of a grandpa truck among jacked up, shiny, all show trucks. Mine's a farm workhorse with heavy duty brushguard, bumpers, cargo rails, running boards, etc. Not a chick magnet.

Surprisingly, I got a lot of dates with my station wagon. Girls liked it because it was 'retro' or some thing I have no clue. I had more girls hit on me in the Station Wagon than the Corvette, don't that blow your mind?

Rule with my sister is she has to bring her dates to the house, they meet Dad and her big brothers and it's usually enough to keep them in line.

 

[Puzzicato]

How does a kid who can't drive go on a date?

-Dave

My first date (I think I was 15) his dad drove us to the movies and picked us up again at the end and drove me home. He was an American boy, which is pretty much the only reason I have had a teenage dating experience. Australian kids just didn't do it when I was growing up, so there never needed to be rules about it.

 

[Feraud]

How does a kid who can't drive go on a date?

-Dave

Cityfolk manage to date without the car.

 

[David Conwill]

Cityfolk manage to date without the car.

I'm willing to bet the vast majority of American teenagers live somewhere with minimal pedestrian and public transit infrastructure.

I guess my point was that I don't see how a kid under the age 16 or 17 is even capable of dating without the active participation of a parent. And yet a lot of what I'm reading about on this thread seems to be people feeling you're powerless to stop an 11-year-old from going out alone on a date. Seems crazy to me.

I had a "girlfriend" in 5th grade because it was the thing to do back then, but we never saw one another outside of school, because neither my parents nor hers were going to drive us around and give us money.

I guess, having two daughters, I'm going to have to do some serious thinking about this soon, but I've got some time yet (ages 3.5 years and 13 months).

-Dave

 

[Feraud]

Thanks for clarifying. I agree and find it silly when parents express helplessness at the idea of being able to manage children's behavior.
I am under the assumption that parents set and enforce the rules of the home. Children who break those rules suffer consequences.
But hey what do I know..

Edit - Young people who do not drive usually meet at a designated area.

 

[1961MJS]

I guess, having two daughters, I'm going to have to do some serious thinking about this soon, but I've got some time yet (ages 3.5 years and 13 months).

-Dave

Hi Dave

You'd better start thinking soon. The girls in my son's class (High School Class of 05) were already predatory (yes I'm using the correct word here) in 3rd grade. One of the best things you can do, is work a son into the mix. Girls with brothers live the reality, not the dream...

Later

 

[David Conwill]

One of the best things you can do, is work a son into the mix.

I have a hunch we’ll just end up with a third girl - and we're running out of names for them!

-Dave

 

[JimWagner]

When my daughter was in college and dating her future husband she brought him home to meet the parents. About an hour into the evening her boyfriend turned to her and nervously asked, "When does he bring out the guns and start cleaning them?"

Turns out she'd been jacking him up about that for quite some time and she had him terrified of me and it made him a perfect gentleman. Smart girl, my daughter.

 

[slc]

My kids (boy 15, girls 12 & 8) have not asked to go on dates yet. We are teaching them the time to date is when they are ready to marry. That means they are ready to provide for a household and children. I dated a few times as a teenager and on into college years, but I considered it a waste of time and hard-earned money because I did not expect any of those "relationships" to lead to marriage. When I got a littler older and wiser I stopped dating altogether, until I met my wife. Then after a lot of prayer we began to date each other. Three months later we were engaged and four months after that we were married. Now, 17 years later, we are teaching our kids to live even better than we lived. We believe dating conditions us to expect that close relationships are disposable and cheapens the most important relationship a man and woman can have on earth.