Modern Male Identity Crisis

[rue]

Amen.

 

[Tomasso]

Sometimes the hardest reality a woman has to face is that the man she's with *isn't* reformable. .

And vice versa.

 

[AtomicEraTom]

Amen!

And vice versa.

 

[sheeplady]

To me, the telling point of this is when she mentions needing the money and that she has a job and kids.

Her: "Yes. I know. But…look…I don't have a job and me and the kids...well...we've got no where else to go and...well...he's not THAT bad of a man…when he’s sober. Can you please just dismiss the charges and let us go home? He needs to work and we need the money."

Some people are trapped. A lot of abusers are very controlling, and they ensure that their victims can't leave because the victim has no way to support themselves and the abuser has ruined the victim's relationships with family and friends. After someone has taken years of abuse, it doesn't surprise me at all that some people have come to believe that they can't leave, because the abuser has fed them this message for years, while slowly removing every voice of reason from their lives. The abuser may even threaten to kill the victim, the victim's children, or the victim's other family if the victim leaves. I think it's unrealistic to say that anyone can just leave. And 100% of the blame for situation lies with the abuser, not the victim.

 

[Marc Chevalier]

Her: "Yes. I know. But…look…I don't have a job and me and the kids...well...we've got nowhere else to go ... He needs to work and we need the money."

Oh yes ... we've advanced soooo far from a hundred years ago, when this sort of statement would have been expected.

 

[AtomicEraTom]

That's exactly what I thought when I read this. Some thins never change.

Oh yes ... we've advanced soooo far from a hundred years ago, when this sort of statement would have been expected.

 

[scottyrocks]

Then there's always the Lorena Bobbitt approach.

That's you, man, always slicing through all the meat-of-the-matter to get to the point! <hehehehe>

 

[V.C. Brunswick]

What really perplexes me are women who have been in more than one abusive relationship. I realize that people sometimes make bad choices in life but you would think that one would in the very least have learned something from that experience. Especially one so painful both physically and emotionally!

 

[LizzieMaine]

The lesson that doesn't get learned is that if you want a thoroughbred, you can't start out with a jackass.

 

[Marc Chevalier]

The lesson that doesn't get learned is that if you want a thoroughbred, you can't start out with a jackass.

Might as well become a nun instead. (Preferably a singing one.)

 

[Edward]

What really perplexes me are women who have been in more than one abusive relationship. I realize that people sometimes make bad choices in life but you would think that one would in the very least have learned something from that experience. Especially one so painful both physically and emotionally!

I've seen it happen men too, though slightly less often. The bottom line is that once you've had your confidence so totally destroyed once that you don't believe you're worth being treated any better, you don't expect anything more from a relationship. This leads to severe settling. The kind of abusive manipulator who does that to someone tends to be quick to recognise someone in this position.

 

[LizzieMaine]

Might as well become a nun instead. (Preferably a singing one.)

 

[Fletch]

You're not alone. You gots kitteh!

 

[Edward]

Ha.... these days there's more need of a "live with a man and don't end up killing him!" volume.

BTW, you're doing well if you get respect from the cat.... hells, anything more than open contempt is a bonus! That's why I like cats and not dogs. Dogs love everybody, with a cat you have to earn it.

 

[Swing Motorman]

That's why I like cats and not dogs. Dogs love everybody, with a cat you have to earn it.

Nicely said, Edward! I had never thought of it that way, but it must be one reason why I'm a cat person. There must be some other relationship lessons to be learned from felines, too...

 

[Atticus Finch]

...There must be some other relationship lessons to be learned from felines, too...

Maybe something about spaying and neutering?

AF

 

[LizzieMaine]

The tomcat takes his pleasure and then runs off and leaves the gal cat stuck with the consequences. That's the lesson I learned as a kid watching what went on in the backyard.

 

[MikeBravo]

Daycare in High School!?:eeek::eusa_doh:

Great idea. Show the girls the consequences of getting pregnant

Still go to school and hang with your friends and get to play with a baby during the breaks

And of course the friends of the mother get all clucky and decide thay want a baby to play with too. Oops, another pregnancy

Good lord

 

[Kirk H.]

Me: "Ms Smith, I've reviewed the file in your case. The officer writes that, last Monday night, your (significant other) slapped you, ripped your blouse off of you, held a knife to your throat and then dumped all your clothes onto the bedroom floor. Then the officer writes that your (significant other) urinated on your clothes."

Her: "Yes...that's right."

Me: "Well, I couldn't help but notice that you and your (significant other) were sitting together in court this morning...and that you were holding hands."

Her: "Yes. He's changed. He's quit drinking and we're in counseling now and I think we're gonna be OK. I want you to dismiss his charges….please."

Me: "But the file says that we dismissed serious assault charges on him just six months ago...and you were the victim then, too."

Her: "Yes. I know. But…look…I don't have a job and me and the kids...well...we've got no where else to go and...well...he's not THAT bad of a man…when he’s sober. Can you please just dismiss the charges and let us go home? He needs to work and we need the money."

AF

So true. The good thing is that under NC DV laws if we have Probable Cause that a domestic assault has occurred that we are required to make an arrest regardless if the victim does not wish to prosecute. We clearly explain that to the arrestee and tell them if they have a problem and are upset they can blame us and be mad at us, not the victim. It does take some of the pressure off of the victim. The sad thing is when the case goes to court and the victim does not show up or if they do, they recant what they originally stated and the cycle of violence starts all over again. When kids are involved and witness the assault we also get involved with them because it is a very traumatic event for them to witness and can mess them up in so many ways. As several have stated, DV is about control and the abuser does so much to control the victim emotionally and financially.

 

[AtomicEraTom]

This is very true. When I got my cats, they wouldn't even come out from under the sofa, now they won't leave me alone! lol

BTW, you're doing well if you get respect from the cat.... hells, anything more than open contempt is a bonus! That's why I like cats and not dogs. Dogs love everybody, with a cat you have to earn it.

I know a lot of women who, from what they tell me, seem to need a guy who is a 'project.' They many times flock to my best friend, who is a bit of a pretty boy/womanizer. Women eat this guy up. Then they all come crying to me after he's gotten his and moved on. It's always the same story, "I thought I could change him." I tell them all the same thing, "I've known him for many years, and he will never change."

What really perplexes me are women who have been in more than one abusive relationship. I realize that people sometimes make bad choices in life but you would think that one would in the very least have learned something from that experience. Especially one so painful both physically and emotionally!