Dying (and burying) the old-fashioned way

[PrettySquareGal]

I just came across this article:

http://www.bangordailynews.com/detail/103602.html

It's about do-it-yourself in-home funerals, and according to the article:

"The last time having home funerals was a widespread custom was during the 1950s, but that is changing fast.

“Home funerals right now are where home childbirth was 30 years ago,” Lakin said. “I’m not trying to put funeral directors out of business, but I just want people to know there is an alternative.”

Has anyone heard of this??

(title edited for clarity)

 

[Marc Chevalier]

I attended two home funerals in Chile. They were the most moving, natural farewells I've ever winessed.


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[PrettySquareGal]

I attended two home funerals in Chile. They were the most moving, natural farewells I've ever winessed.


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I find the concept intriguing. I know I would like to spend my dying days at home but I never thought about the funeral being there, too.

What made them special? I'd like to learn more.

 

[Caity Lynn]

This :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNmcB50NALQ

has forever curbed any inkling of interest on my part. That video haunted me as a kid. lol

 

[Miss Neecerie]

This is not quite a -home- funeral....but this is an entry in my personal journal which concerns the type of funerals I grew up going to..and still go to......very similar to the idea of home funeral in that the body is still -with- the family for a while, and before there were as many -regulations- about what can be done with bodies...they did indeed do a lot of this from the house.

I grew up in a rather odd culture that is hugely old fashioned and religiously trapped in the Russia of the last tsars. Not Russian Orthodox, not Russian Jews, but something altogether a bit different. There are about 5000 of these people still in Los Angeles, where they settled after leaving Russia just before the revolution. There are other small colonies around the world.

Funerals are rather long affairs, with the casket (open) sitting in the church all night, accompanied by members of the close family, who literally stay up in shifts all night. There is a service that night, when people arrive, they walk up to the casket, and offer their respects to the family, who are sitting in two rows on either side of the casket, knees basically hitting it. Singing happens until there are no 'singers' (yes thats a semi official thing) left.Everyone (including the dead) wears white or the lightest possible colour. White being the colour for mourning and funerals.I could go into what the outfits actually look like, but lets just say stylized Russian peasant outfits, but in a solid colour.

After the service is over and people gradually leave, family remains. The volunteer kitchen staff leave food and chi (tea) going for those staying. Sometimes one of them stays to help serve. The casket remains open all night and the family members sit there, talking a bit, but at no point during the night is the body left completely alone.

The next morning, another service happens, more singing, and then everything procedes to the cemetary. The turnout for an 'average' member of this society tends to be in the 100's of people, 1000's might show up for a particularly well known or 'spiritual leader' type person.

At the cemetery there is another service, casket is still open. Then final goodbyes are said to the body, and the lid is lowered. After lowering the casket into the grave, family members toss a small handful of dirt in, before the men finish the job with shovels.

Then everyone goes home to shower and change clothes (clothes that have been near a body are ritually unclean) and go back to the church for a meal and more speeches and singing. The meal is their communion, ie they eat a whole meal, not just the bread and wine as communion. Every service there ends in a full 5 course meal, even just the sunday normal service.

This differs greatly from most 'american' funerals I have been to, which are very much less intense and less focused on the knowledge that the loved one is really gone. When you spend hours on end sitting there looking, you realize that it really is just the body, the person is long gone. Yes, its very traumatic if you arnt used to it, but it makes you face things, instead of being able to sort of mentally gloss over it all and pretend they have just gone on holiday. People brought up with this tradition, see bodies from the time they are toddlers, carried by their parents up to pay respects to the families.

I have a very hard time saying goodbye any other way, the times freinds have died and it was a 'normal' funeral, or I didnt get to go to a funeral at all, I sensed a huge lack of closure in things.

 

[Lefty]

Thanks for sharing this.

 

[Carlisle Blues]

This :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNmcB50NALQ

has forever curbed any inkling of interest on my part. That video haunted me as a kid. lol

I understand this curbed any inkling for anything that man would do. This video haunted me as a kid as well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vc0MJeZPeh4

 

[Marc Chevalier]

Gives country music an even worse name.


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[Fletch]

By "dying the old fashioned way," I initially thought, you know, succumbing to an abscessed tooth or perforated intestine or something else that modern pharmaceuticals would render nonlethal, but back then you just had to wait and hope. Or dying of TB in your late thirties, like the guy who built my house. Stuff I wouldn't wish on anybody.

 

[Viola]

In my (Jewish) culture, the funeral very quickly after the death, with the body being buried within a day or two if possible, and then the mourners supported at home with visitors for a week. So its not at at-home funeral but the shiva is very much a home-based affair.

I know some non-Jewish friends were shocked by how soon the burial was, as they were expecting more of a pre-burial wake, but I think everyone gets used to their own way of doing things.

 

[LizzieMaine]

The early 20th-century New England Irish culture was very big on "sitting up" with the dead. The decedant would be laid out in the parlor in his best clothes, and people would sit with the body for the evening, eating a communal meal, drinking, and smoking clay pipes until far into the night.

We sort of did this, minus the drinking and smoking, when my grandfather died -- we left him in the bed where he died and sat with him for most of the day until the undertaker came to take him away. For me, that was the *real* funeral -- the real chance to say goodbye.

I suspect most cultures, before the commercialization of the death industry, had something similar -- it seems to be a universal need.

 

[Marc Chevalier]

Really a home wake rather than a home funeral, but what the heck:


In Chile, my godfather's 90 year-old dad died of a tooth infection that turned lethal. He died at his home, in bed, with a housekeeper/nurse at his side. As my godfather was out of the country at the time, the housekeeper called me immediately and asked me to help her dress the corpse. I had known and loved this man, so it was an honor for me to choose (and dress him in) the last suit and tie he'd ever wear. Putting clothes on an adult corpse is very difficult, even before rigor mortis sets in; but we somehow did it.

The next step was to call "Hogar de Cristo", a Catholic charitable organization that earns some of its income by providing funeral services. Within 20 minutes, a hearse arrived with two men, a casket, and a stand on which to place it. The men set up the stand and casket in the living room; they (and I) lifted the body from the deathbed and placed it in the casket. A doctor also arrived; he signed the death certificate and injected some preservative solution into the corpse. (Chileans overwhelmingly prefer to bury their dead quickly rather than chill and embalm them.) The casket was left open, and the air conditioning was turned on.


The housekeeper phoned all of the dead man's family and friends, as well as close friends of my godfather. Even though this was already 10:00 pm, about 20 people showed up within an hour. Candles were lit, and the visitors paid their respects with prayers, kind words, embraces, and offers to help with the funeral arrangements (or anything else). Some of the visitors brought food.


After an hour or two, the visitors began to leave. A candle was left lit all night. Close family members sat by the casket until morning; some slept in their chairs.


The next day, a hearse arrived to pick up the casket and corpse. They were lain in state inside a local church. At this point, the casket's lid had been put on; a little window at the head level permitted mourners to still see the deceased's face. Novenas were said by priests, and the funeral was held at the church the next day.

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[Foofoogal]

I had known and loved this man, so it was an honor for me to choose (and dress him in) the last suit and tie he'd ever wear.

I found this very touching. I was the first one to arrive when my mother died in her sleep as my father called me. I alone was able to spend a few precious moments with my mother. She actually died in the dress I had just given her for mothers day. The police and the coroner came and took the body away. I also picked out the outfit she was buried in. It had to have her shawl and her cameo.
I would of loved to of had her laid out at home. Wakes were very common to her in southern Louisiana. It was traditional to stay up with the person.
My mother in laws funeral was actually fun. We all took turns telling small stories about her.
I truly would like to see funerals return to the home. Alot of food showed up after the funeral for the family and friends but several funerals I have attended had no food for the family during the time before a funeral as the funeral homes had no facilities. It leaves people lacking in being able to show love and concern. In the south it is custom to have fried chicken and of course banana pudding somewhere along the line.
I think there is a fine line between being comfortable and stuffy. It all depends on the family and the persons life and personality. Having it at home would give so much more leeway.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y516GCbf8vA

J'ai passé devant ta porte,
J'ai crié, 'bye-bye, la belle.'
'Y a personne qui m'a répondu!
Oh yé yaille! Mon coeur fait mal.

Moi, j'm'mai mis à bien observer.
Moi jai vu des chandelles allumées.
'Y a que' que chose qui disait j'aurait pleuré.
Oh yé yaille! Mon coeur fait mal.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I passed in front of your door.
I cried good-bye to my sweetheart.
No one answered me!
0h, it hurts! My heart hurts!

I looked closely.
I saw (religious) candles were lit.
Something told me I would cry.
Oh, it hurts! My heart hurts!
----------------



http://www.bankrate.com/brm/news/cheap/20031118a1.asp

Knowledge is power on funerals.

 

[PrettySquareGal]

I like that in Victorian Era New England people were buried besides their home.

I also like that people were allowed to talk about death in polite society. It wasn't taboo like today! Oh, death is plastered everywhere, but our own mortality is a no-no!

 

[PrettySquareGal]

Marc, I like the simplicity and immediacy of that, very lovely. It doesn't sound rushed or lacking in respect. Just more like, here is his next stage and we will help him pass into it right now on his time table.

 

[Lotta Little]

I love the idea of this, particularly since I harbor resentment toward the funeral and mortuary industries for what I deem unethical practices of theirs. For example-when my mother died the mortician, seeing that there were two unmarried daughters, tried to sell us a heart-shaped pillow that would hang near my mother's head in her coffin during the visitation, and could then be used as a ringbearer's pillow at a wedding, so that "something of your Mom will be with you on your special day." My twin sister, in her grief, said she thought that would be nice. The mortician said "You will, of course, each want your own pillow." I refused, although we were later charged for two of these monstrous mementos, as well as for a much larger and more costly floral arrangement than the one we actually got to cover the casket. Real love doesn't need all the frills.

 

[Sertsa]

Interesting thread, and I'm intrigued by this, too. I attended a relative's funeral a few weeks ago, which was at a funeral home, but it was very brief, with no frills and little ceremony. It struck me as odd, and I'm still unsure of how I feel about it.

Lotta - That is quite a story and what a memory to have to take with you. You're right, of course.

 

[miss_elise]

although I'm not suffering from any deadly affliction (that I know of) I have planned some of what I would like at my funeral... just in case... as at least some of it will be a good show.

 

[Tiller]

fftopic: My general view on death can best be stated by John Wayne's in his final role in the movie The Shootist. Although not a word for word quote it goes something like this:

Gillom Rogers (Ron Howard): You've killed 30 men! Your a legend! No one is better then you!
J.B. Books (John Wayne): I'm a dying man scared of the dark.

 

[tuppence]

I believe some of our T.A F.E collages were offering short courses on making simple coffins.
You can shove me in one of those coffins, pass me through the incinerator and toss my ashes in the rubbish for all I care.