Death

[Hondo]

This is a tough thread but here goes, How do you over come a death? Grief from maybe a family member or a close friend, I recently lost a childhood friend of 38 years, it was pretty hard to believe. I had no tears but I felt real sense of shock inside, even selfish for not see him more, its been probably 4 to 6 years since I last saw him, you know things happen, you get caught up in so many personal things, you just think “oh I’ll see them soon” or “They’ll be calling” now I know there won’t be any calls, It left me feeling terrible. I’ve been in my shares of scrapes, and this friend did more than enough to show kindness, never asked for anything, it just dawned on me now.
In the same week I met another friend who is dying of cancer, she can’t eat and is resting at home, only a matter of time, ya know in Gods hands?
She put up a brave front, her mind was quick as a whip, I kissed her on the cheek and said “I’ll keep you in my prayers” it wasn’t until I left that I was told she can not see. I’ll never forget her smile as I left.
I don’t know if its depression that I feel, its just a sense of something lost and I have a lot to be thankful for, yet these two were so young it doesn’t seen fair. I’ve been searching the net and thought I’d ask you here, and hope you don’t mind. I do think I know, move on, stay positive, life goes in cycles.
Live and let live.

 

[CanadaDoll]

Hondo, my thoughts are with you as you go through this difficult time, it's never easy to lose loved ones, and my only insights are these: Never feel guilty or blame yourself, because we never see death coming, and it's not our fault. Secondly just go with your feelings, if you need to cry, cry, if you need to scream, scream, punch a wall or punching-bag. Thirdly hug your loved ones, 'cause science has proven hugs help ease depression and sorrow on a psychological level.

I'm sure that very soon the happy memories will come back, and those help to soothe the pain, and in the meantime a big hug from me.

 

[BegintheBeguine]

Hang in there, kid.
Death is something I think about every day. My boyfriend, what an inadequate word, died tragically 17 years ago Monday. I miss him every day. Just today I was remembering when we were at a party, someone said when are you two getting married your children will be so beautiful etc etc and he said not yet I'm too young. Yes, he'll always be 26.
You can talk to your late friend in your mind and although you may not hear him respond he will know you are talking to him.
I came home about 6 months ago and found my dad, with whom I lived, dead on the floor. Sometimes I still can't believe it, there is so much he hadn't done yet, at age 82.
So just as I believe that the friends who are alive that we rarely if ever see or talk to but think of often, still know we think of them as they think of us, that our dead loved ones are hanging around. They are there when a clock strikes, when you see a penny on the floor, when the wind blows but you can't hear it, that is thier presence.
If this makes any sense, I hope this helps.
Ashley

 

[Dan G]

Oh man this is a tough thread... Let me say I know what you're feelin and I am terribly sorry... I lost a childhood friend while we were still in school, I just had a teacher from grade school take his own life when his wife divorced him.

It's not your fault.

These losses have been devastating for me, and I always felt guilty for not being there more... My friend was a diabetic and was hanging out drinking with other guys, what would it have been like if I had been there, if I'd been around more at the end? All these kinds of questions put me through many a night in tears. In the scheme of things though, there's nothing I could do. It crept up on me just as much as it did you.

Your friend is in God's hands, He's got her, and He's a good guy even though it doesn't seem fair... We were blessed with their presence while they were here, and we hope they were blessed by ours, and hope to see them in the Great Beyond. That's a lot to be thankful for in itself.

You're right you have to stay positive, but take your time man. I'm not a real emotional guy, but don't bottle up and be miserable. Life is meant to be enjoyed! If you need someone to talk to, drop me a line. I'd be glad to listen!

 

[Harp]

Bereavement caused by death is difficult; accept its sorrow, and allow
yourself to grieve. Time heals most wounds--not all, of course, but most.
Allow your grief, give yourself the time necessary to do this,
and permit sorrow to leave by its own accord.

 

[FredDairy]

You never get over it. I really believe the death of a loved one changes your persona forever. My dad died when I was 19 and 6 years later I'm still not over it. I would say my grief is not what it was when he first died, but I'm still sad, or angry over not being able to spend time with him. Holidays are not the same, even the baseball season isn't the same anymore. I miss him a lot but he's always on my mind, you never forget the great memories. I remember when he first died I thought I should write down everything I remembered about him because I thought I'd forget it as I grew older, but I probaby remember things he said 10 years ago better than what someone told me an hour ago.

There are times when I feel closer to him or almost can feel his presence.

 

[Maj.Nick Danger]

Sorry to hear of your loss.
It is really difficult, I know. I have lost a few friends too. In time we will all understand, even if we sometimes don't understand the reasons for things now.
I think all we can do after something like this is to just live our lives the best we know how. It's what I would want from anyone that I leave behind when I pass.

 

[BonnieJean]

Hondo,
I certainly feel your pain as I have lost several special people in my life too. Someone once said that "death is 100%, no one escapes it." The sadness and sense of loss that you feel is felt by everyone at one time or another who has lost a loved one or friend. What you are feeling is very normal for these circumstances. If your sadness continues for several months or you are having a hard time coping with everyday life, you might consider consulting a professional. Right now, the plain truth is you are just hurting and having regrets over what you wished you'd done for your friend. From what you describe, your friend sounds like someone that stood by you in thick or thin and didn't expect anything from you, but your friendship. Now that is a true friend. My dad passed away suddenly a couple of years ago and I had those same thoughts of wishing I had said this or done that. A cousin that I was close to, committed suicide and it took a while for me to stop wondering if I could of stopped her. (I now know it wasn't anyone's fault, but her choice.)

I wish I could take away your pain, but there really are steps in the grieving process that you have to go through and when you get to the final step of acceptance, then you will finally find a sense of peace. Yes, there will still be a sad place in your heart for your friend, but trust me, the pain does fade in time. Think about the good memories you have and the wonderful times you have shared. Your friend will always be alive in your memories.

The sad part about getting older is that we'll have to experience the loss of loved ones more and more often, but that doesn't lesson the blow we feel. Just like in the film, "Its a Wonderful Life", we all have an impact on others, even when we don't notice it. Your friend must of been someone very special for you to feel his loss so deeply. As CanadaDoll said, just go with your feelings and don't try to bottle them up inside. Every day on this earth is precious. You'll be in my prayers...

 

[happyfilmluvguy]

I think everyone so far has said everything I would say just the same. I can't say, though that I have any grief. Death is such a natural thing to me, it almost seems at times when I hear of death, it just passes me by. Death is natural. It is a part of life. When that time comes, you can't save nor postone the moment. It was meant to be, it was a natural step in life. Let your natural feelings take their toll, but don't let them take advantage of you. Hugs calm pain too.

 

[PrettySquareGal]

I almost started a similar thread because I, too, have been grieving the loss of some people and also pets. I also just wrote a long response and deleted it.

All I want to really say is I am sorry for your losses, but I am so very glad that you reached out to others. I'm also glad that you know what it means to be close to people, because not everyone has that blessing. Your friends, they were blessed to have known you, too.

That's all I want to say.

 

[Grnidwitch]

Hondo,

My heart goes out to you. Keep them alive in your heart and they will never truly be gone. I wish I could say the words to make you feel better, but alas, I can't. Just remember, you will see your friend again, but not yet. You are still needed here.

 

[Hondo]

I want to thank all of you for your kind words and thoughts, being hit twice by death in the same week, left me feeling like a ship slowly taking in water, sinking ever so slowly, think the film Titanic as she slowly went under, but I am alright! If I could take death away, give my own life I would to save them, I would but it doesn't work that way.
I’m pretty good at hiding emotions; I sat a couple of days looking at old photos to make copies for his Mom, and the memories come back, I can hear his voice, it’s just taking in the whole thing to realize they are gone, there won’t be any calls, or letters, only fond memories, heck we all think those friends would be around to enjoy retirement or the next football season.
My friend’s brother happened upon my phone number in his brothers personal items. He died a little over 30 days ago from cancer of pancreas, it spread quickly. His Mom wanted to see me, I went to one funeral years ago, that was enough so I avoid them but here and now I felt a sense of loyalty, for him, his family and all they shared through out the ages we grew, as I told his Mom, we were like brothers, we fought, we laughed, we remained friends, you have this bond where you both don’t have to say “Hey I’m sorry!!” We shared so many good years; you don’t appreciate these friends until their gone. Selfish is what I feel like, I know I shouldn’t feel guilty, I just wish I had done one single thing, given him something to show my appreciation for his time but I think some how he knew.
30 years ago I was in a tragic auto accident and while in the hospital, my heart stopped three times, almost like dying 3 times, there still a will to survive, doctors said I had a strong heart, after recovery my friend and others took time out to get me around rather than being indoors, you know make the rounds, say hello to people and even through I never said how I appreciated all he and others did for me, I do think he knew.
Life wasn’t easy for him, he had his faults, we all do, yet before this cancer, he was doing so well living, moving on and for that I am glad, happy. Its all in God’s hands now.
One day we’ll all see those we lost and there won’t be any tears, or sadness.
He and others will be greatly missed; Take care and God bless you all.

This old beatles song seems fitting for the moment.
In My Life

There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends
I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
there is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

 

[LaMedicine]

a thousand winds
(Author Unknown)

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn's rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.​

This poem was recited by a young girl at the 9.11 memorial, who had lost her father there.
It was translated into Japanese a few years ago, and the translator also composed it into a song. Here, the song has been of comfort to many who grieve for the ones they have lost.
This is how I think of my father, who died of prostate cancer last summer.
I miss him very much yes, but I like to think of him free and able to go wherever he pleases, and that he is always with us as well. That he is happy wherever he is, and I am grateful for all the memories he has given us.

I hope this poem comforts many as it has comforted me.

 

[houndstoothhat]

A Grief Observed byC.S. Lewis

An interesting read on this subject would be C.S. Lewis' A Grief Observed.

Its a very quick read (and re-read, re-read, etc). It helped me very much during the death of my grandmother. Lewis takes an honest look at grief after the death of his wife, Joy Gresham.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[mysterygal]

There is no easy way nor cure to escape the pain of death, but let yourself grieve. The warning that goes along with this, is not to let your grief consume you. When we are hurt, our natural tendency is to isolate ourselves. There are times that this may be necessessary, but never for long periods of time. Surround yourself with loved one's, people who can be a support. Don't be afraid or embarrassed calling these people if you're having a difficult time. This is what the loved one's in our lives are here for.
I give you my greatest sympathies.

 

[Hondo]

Appreciate

To all its appreciated, your thoughts and best wishes, I'll only say don't take possessions too seriously, you can pass them on because you can't take it with you, nothings easy in this world, I'll have a drink or two and say cheers for my friends. Play "Danny Boy" keep those memories warm, won't forget them and many others who pasted in my life.
Best Regards,

Hondo

 

[52Styleline]

I'm inadequate to answer your question, but I do want to express my sympathy for what you are experiencing

I have lost all of my closest family members, and have even had the experience of a close friend dying in my arms. They have all been hard, hardest of all was my Mother. She died so young and unexpectedly I thought I couldn't possibly keep on living myself...but I did....in time. I wept openly for all of them, and never thought I would get over some of them.....but I did...in time. Now, rather than tears, thinking of my departed loved ones brings a smile and a warm memory. As long as I am alive, none of these people who meant so much to me are completely gone and I find comfort in keeping their memories alive.

Now, for example, I tell my own grandchildren what a wonderful woman their great grandmother was, what made her laugh and what she taught me....my duty to those who live on in my memory is to insure they are never completely forgotten.

 

[Benny Holiday]

So many of us have also experienced the grief of loss, that we understand as well as sympathise with you, Hondo. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[Dr Doran]

Terribly sorry to hear about that, Hondo. My older sister died in September at age 46, after cancer for several years which started in her breast when she was in her 30s, went away after a mastectomy, was gone for a decade, then resurfaced in her spine and finally got to her liver. She was very healthy up until the end. Her boyfriend put on a beautiful memorial, and that was marvelous, but I drank too much for a few weeks.

I think that when people get together to talk about and commemorate the person who died, sing songs, etc., that is the best way for them to deal with the sadness, and it also gives the deceased person's memory a deserved amount of respect.

 

[Hondo]

I think every one hit it, had an answer, had cancer or death effect their lives, cancer is a nasty way to go, be it cancer of pancreas, or breast cancer, there are so many out there ready to kill a healthy living body, it makes me think more, you know not to take things too seriously because our time on this earth, all things come to an end, maybe there’s a reason why those close to us depart, I will give thanks each morning that I raise, grateful for each day and I’ll share the memories of those who are no longer here, I thank you all for such comments.

This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet.

William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"