Clean Jokes

[LostInTyme]

You better watch out........

Ahh, to have touched eternity
and reached beyond the future-past,
and let them alone to march
onto infinity and beyond.

Santa Claus is comin' to town.

 

[Zombie_61]

Too soon?

 

[LostInTyme]

The Vet's Bill


A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet sighed, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with an old dog. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

He turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!?"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

 

[BobHufford]

Three men died on Christmas eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter, He flicked it on saying, "It's a candle.
"You may pass," said Saint Peter.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'These are bells."
"You may pass." said St. Peter.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do these symbolize?"
The Irishman replied, "These are Carols".

 

[Trenchfriend]

Pick-up line, came to my mind:

Supermarket parking lot.
"Hey Miss, I got a new bodywash. Wanna test it with me??"

 

[Frunobulax]

 

[Trenchfriend]

@Frunobulax
I don't get it.

 

[Frunobulax]

@Frunobulax
I don't get it.

1. Santa has had an accident with a UFO, which was evidently at fault because they're hauling off the alien in cuffs.
2. The Flinstones, being in the stone age, would have pre-dated Christ's birth so they wouldn't be celebrating something that hasn't happened yet.

 

[Zombie_61]

...2. The Flinstones, being in the stone age, would have pre-dated Christ's birth so they wouldn't be celebrating something that hasn't happened yet.

The thing I really like about that one is that most of the people I know would need to have it explained to them, and half of them still wouldn't get it.

 

[Turnip]

 

[Frunobulax]

Oldie, but goodie. Pour yourself a big orange and give it a listen.

 

[Trenchfriend]

A lesbian Dinosaur?

A LICKALOTOPUS...

 

[Trenchfriend]

When after twenty years of beeing married, you're coming home and your wife pays attention to you, and tenderness and she makes you a dinner. What does that mean??

You took the wrong door, you jerk!

 

[BobHufford]

 

[LostInTyme]

 

[Turnip]

 

[EngProf]

Oldie, but goodie. Pour yourself a big orange and give it a listen.

That was such a big hit, back in the day, that our grade school principal called a school assembly and played the record for all of us.

 

[Turnip]

 

[Zombie_61]

^ I wonder if his name is Newton too...

 

[Frunobulax]

^ I wonder if his name is Newton too...

Why would you give a fig about that?

__________________________________________________________--

When Jesus cleared the temple of the money changers, did he use a Miracle Whip?