Clean Jokes

[LostInTyme]

Did you know that shadows are afraid of the dark? That's why you can't see them, because they're hiding out under your feet.

 

[LostInTyme]

No matter what time of day, or night it is, shadows are always the same color.

 

[Turnip]

 

[Turnip]

 

[GHT]

When the counties of West Ham & East Ham were merged in 1965 what did they become?

New Ham

 

[BobHufford]

 

[Zombie_61]

There. Now it'll make sense to current generations.

 

[Trenchfriend]

What is long, hard and full of seamen?

An aircraft carrier, or what did you think??

 

[1967Cougar390]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch, I guess."

 

[Turnip]

 

[BobHufford]

As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to play & sing at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery out in the country.
As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to sing.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I sang from my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
As I sang “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished, I packed up my keyboard and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost….

 

[Trenchfriend]

"Yesterday, I picked up a beautiful, shining bicycle, you know!"

"Wow, surely great. Do you start your sporty program, getting fitter, now?"

"No, it was too heavy..."

 

[Turnip]

 

[Frunobulax]

 

[Frunobulax]

 

[Trenchfriend]

What's white and disturbs you while eating??

An avalanche...

 

[Turnip]

 

[Turnip]

 

[Trenchfriend]

"The Grasstrommel", by Günter Blech...

Really old children classic...

 

[Trenchfriend]

"Man, my doctor forbade me playing violine!"

"Really? Why?"

"He lives in the same block."