Clean Jokes

[3fingers]

Ha! Was that posted before?

Maybe I've had one too many gin and tonics. [emoji14]

No. Your post is a double one above the other. More tonic, less gin.

 

[1mach1]

No. Your post is a double one above the other. More tonic, less gin.

I wonder why it posted twice? Weird.

And less gin? Are you mad? [emoji14]

 

[Benny Holiday]

Some Rodney Dangerfield lines:

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said, 'On your mark...’

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I came from a real tough neighbourhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

I came from a real tough neighbourhood. In the local restaurant, I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.

I came from a real tough neighbourhood. Every time I shut the window, I hurt somebody's fingers.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, 'I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.’

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I'm so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

I went to see my doctor. 'Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?' He said, 'I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.’

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide.' He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said, 'okay, you're ugly too.'

I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I was such an ugly kid… when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician, I would be honest.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!

One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, 'No, but I did get the license number.'

My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

 

[Lean'n'mean]

I wonder why it posted twice? Weird.

You thought, therefore it was.

 

[Trenchfriend]

Policemen are passing a fenced pasturage. One of the cows turns around and says to them: "Imagine, my husband's a bull, too!"

 

[HoosierDaddy]

??..need translation..,

 

[Lean'n'mean]

It must be a German joke that doesn't translate into English. Presumably 'Bull' is an insult in German but it's all a load of bull to me.

 

[Bamaboots]

As a policeman for twenty five years, the term I most often heard was "PIG" but correction officers were often referred to as Bulls.

 

[Trenchfriend]

As a policeman for twenty five years, the term I most often heard was "PIG" but correction officers were often referred to as Bulls.

"Pig" = german "Polyp" is the second classic abusive-word for policemen in old Germany, but "BULLE" it the most used.

 

[Zachary]

??..need translation..,

Probably Trenchfriend mixed up “man” and “husband”. In German, both words are the same.

 

[vitanola]

??..need translation..,

"Bull" is old slang meaning "Police Officer". This was common in English as well as German. Ever hear of a "Railroad Bull"?

 

[Trenchfriend]

Ever hear of a "Railroad Bull"?

Nope, but "Trapo". Transport-police (Deutsche Reichsbahn, GDR).

And "patrolman" are "chipmunks", in old Germany.

 

[vitanola]

Nope, but "Trapo". Transport-police (Deutsche Reichsbahn, GDR).

And "patrolman" are "chipmunks", in old Germany.

No longer "Schutzmann"?

 

[Zachary]

Last week I was using a public restroom.

I was doing business on the bowl, when suddenly a man from the adjacent compartiment started talking to me.

"Hey, how're you, mate?", he asked.

Quite puzzled, I answered:
"Well … quite fine, why do you ask?"

The man continued saying:
"What are you doing right now?"

"Well … I suppose same as you."

The next question catched me in horror.

"May I come over to you?"

"No!", I shouted. "I'm very busy right now!"

Finally, I heard the man saying:
"Well, would you mind me calling you back later? Next to me is an idiot answering all of my questions."

 

[Zachary]

A joke refering to the limited liberty of travel in Eastern Germany:

An Interflug airplane (Interflug = the GDR's answer to West Germany's Lufthansa) departs from Berlin-Schönefeld for Moscow-Sheremetewo.

Five minutes after take-off, an armed man gets into the cockpit. Hi hijacks the aircraft and demands it to be diverted to Köln-Bonn, W-Germany.

About an hour later, the plane lands there, and is being parked on the ramp.

German police surround the aircraft, and send a negotiator inside.

"What do you demand?", they ask the kidnapper.

"I want three things. Firstly: Deliver the Wartburg car I ordered 15 years ago. Secondly: Finally give my daughter and her husband an own apartment. Thirdly: I want a refrigerator and a color TV."

"And what do you do if we don't comply?"

"In this case, I will release a hostage every other hour."

 

[Zachary]

Three friends step into a pub.

"A beer for me, please", the first says.
"I'd also like a beer", says the other.
"For me a beer as well, but please in a clean glass", the third says.

Two minutes later, the waiter comes back with three beers.

"Which gentleman ordered the beer in the clean glass?"

 

[Zachary]

When I was a child, my grandpa asked me:

"Can you gamble how many Nickles I have in my pocket?"
"If I'm right, will I get one of them?"
"No, I'll give you both!"

 

[Zachary]

A pink Mini Cooper with two blondes inside drives along the highway. Suddenly, the blonde at the steering wheel pulls over and stops.

"What's the matter?", the lady on the passenger side asks.
"We ran out of fuel."
"Oh how smart you are! I surely would have driven on!"

 

[HoosierDaddy]

"Bull" is old slang meaning "Police Officer". This was common in English as well as German. Ever hear of a "Railroad Bull"?

Oh I got the meaning of bull from the beginning.
Since he edited his post the joke makes more sense.

 

[Zachary]

Conversation of a married couple:

„Give me animal names!“
„Chick.“
„No, something evil.“
„Evil chick.“