Clean Jokes

[vitanola]

William Jennings Bryan once said of certain miscreants; "It is no wonder that they attack the prosecutors and the courts which seek to convict them. Ty are very much in the position of a man who was hauled up before one of our Lincoln (Nebraska) magistrates; 'Why did you knock this man down?' he asked the prisoner. 'Did he call you a liar?' 'Worse than that' the prisoner replied, 'He proved it!'

Plus ça change..

 

[Frunobulax]

Legend has it that Oscar Wilde, while on a speaking tour of Canada, was asked, "What brings you to Canada?"

To which Mr. Wilde replied, "I was in a tavern in Ireland and saw a bar mat that said 'Drink Canada Dry,' so I thought I would make an attempt."


Sent directly from my mind to yours.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

A man walks into a biker bar & asks, "Who owns the truck out back with the big dog?"

The bartender points out a tough looking biker at the end of the bar. The man approaches and asks, "is that your truck outside with the big dog?"

The biker looks the man up & down & answers, "Yeah, that's my truck & my Rottweiler."

"Well", said the man, "my chihuahua, Pepe, is gonna kill your dog!"

The biker, amused & disbelieving responds, "You've got a chihuahua that's gonna fight & kill Bruno?"

"Oh no sir", said the man, "He won't fight. He's stuck in Bruno's throat!"

 

[2jakes]

 

[Hurricane Jack]

A guy walks into a bar & orders an Irish whiskey, drinks it down & sighs in delight, "Now that's a proper taste of home!"

"And where's home" asked the man sitting next to him?

"Ireland", was the reply.

"You don't say! I'm from Ireland too!"

"Yeah? What part?"

"County Armagh!"

"You don't say! I'm from County Armagh too!"

"Killeen?"

"Killeen!"

"I grew up on the Newry Road."

"As did I!"

"Me mother worked in the local clinic."

"Me mother did too!"

Another patron overhearing the conversation turned to the bartender & said, "That's pretty amazing!"

"Nah", said the bartender, "it's just the O'Leary twins. Drunk again!"

 

[Trenchfriend]

@Hurricane Jack

 

[Hurricane Jack]

A Texan tourist walks into a pub in Ireland & speaks to the crowd of patrons, "I hear you're a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anyone uh yus who can drink 10 pints of Guinness here & now!"

The pub goes quiet & no one takes the bet. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later he's back & taps the Texan on the shoulder, "Is your bet still good," asks the Irishman?

The Texan replies, "Yes," then tells the bartender to set up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman drinks 'em down, one after another.

In total amazement the Texan gives him the $500 & asks, "If ya don't mind, where'd ya go for those 30 minutes?"

To which the Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first!"

 

[2jakes]

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[GHT]

An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. "You've got to be kidding," he said. "I'm almost 60 years old." The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license. The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me," he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks," he said. "Works every time."
Many years ago, my sister-in-law and her husband were visiting, we treated them to lunch at a riverside pub. The barman asked my sister-in-law her age. She was then, 32. "You don't think that I look old enough?" She exclaimed in delight, "I love you," she said, throwing her arms around him.

 

[2jakes]

My wife has a mood ring......when she is in a good mood it's blue.
When she is in a bad mood it leaves a red dent in my forehead.

 

[Zombie_61]

Last night I watched a documentary on marijuana. It was wonderful!

I'm gonna' start watching everything that way.

 

[Bamaboots]

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

 

[drmaxtejeda]

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

LOL!

Sent from my LG-H870 using Tapatalk

 

[drmaxtejeda]

If your wife tells you she will be ready to leave for the party in five minutes, she is absolutely correct.
There is no need to remind her every half hour.

Sent from my LG-H870 using Tapatalk

 

[2jakes]

If your wife tells you she will be ready to leave for the party in five minutes, she is absolutely correct.
There is no need to remind her every half hour.

Sent from my LG-H870 using Tapatalk

When a woman asks,
“Are you wearing that shirt and tie?”

What she really means is,
“I don’t want you to wear that shirt and tie!”

 

[Zombie_61]

When a woman asks,
“Are you wearing that shirt and tie?”

What she really means is,
“I don’t want you to wear that shirt and tie!”

My mother-in-law wasn't so "polite". My father-in-law selected his clothes based on whether or not they were comfortable and couldn't have cared less about fashion. If he was just going outside to do some yard work she didn't care, but if she was going to be seen with him in public Ma would march him back into their bedroom and select his wardrobe for him. I've rarely put my wife in that position, but as a result of her mother's example both she and her sister have no qualms about telling me and my brother-in-law in no uncertain terms that specific items of clothing are not to be worn in their presence. Naturally, sometimes we do it just to push their buttons.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[Benny Holiday]

Why don't calculus majors throw house parties?

Because you shouldn't drink and derive.

 

[Benny Holiday]

Excerpt from Galileo’s diary, June 4, 1609: ‘The discovery I have made that earth revolves about its axis every 24 hours
has really made my day.’

I knew a guy once who sued an airline when his luggage went missing. Unfortunately he lost his case.

My brother’s been diagnosed with colour blindness. He said he was very surprised, it came right out of the green.

Before I went camping, I Googled “How to start a campfire.” I got 48,500 matches.

My next door neighbour has a huge phobia about working from home. Well, he is a fireman.

My paper manufacturing business has folded seven times so I’m sure it can’t happen again.

My brother needed a new computer, so I took him to PC World. He said, “Ooh, better be careful what we say in here.”