Clean Jokes

[tonyb]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

[Fletch]

It was a Canadian, by the way, who pointed out to me that the number of bottles in a case of beer was equal to the number of hours in a day, and how that couldn't possibly be just a coincidence.

In the US, this joke belongs to our Marines, who consider it - along with the Corps itself - proof of the existence of God.

 

[HoosierDaddy]

Senior Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

[tonyb]

So a couple of cowboys are out riding the range one dark and spooky night (hooting owls, yelping coyotes, the faint roar of a mountain lion in the distance, etc.) when suddenly they hear the sound of drumming.

"Uh oh," says one of the cowpokes, "that doesn't sound good."

Just then an Indian comes out from a stand of trees and says, "Yeah, well, our regular drummer is out sick."

 

[C44Antelope]

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

BREATHE, YOU IDIOT! BREATHE!!

 

[McGeezer]

THE TINY CABIN

A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the mountains of West Virginia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will need to intervene in this situation) "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

 

[C44Antelope]

2 lawyers meet on the French Riviera.
Lawyer one says, "Hey old buddy, what brings you to France?"
Lawyer two says "A little vacation. And you?"
"Same here. But how'd you swing it? I never could've afforded this trip, except a building I owned burned to the ground. This trip is being paid for by insurance"
"Insurance paid for mine too. I had some property, a house and a couple buildings, down in West Virginia. A flash flood came through and destroyed all of it."
Lawyer one scratched his head and looked out at the beautiful water. Then he asked, "Son? How'd you start that flood?"

 

[Ed]

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a Labrador Retriever
sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the
CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of
their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some
incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married,
had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the back yard.

 

[C44Antelope]

Ed, I told the talking dog joke to our Boy Scout troop. The boys just stared at me, not sure when to laugh or if to laugh.

I told the same joke to several different adults and the consistent response was fits of laughter. I still like it.

 

[tonyb]

Ed, I told the talking dog joke to our Boy Scout troop. The boys just stared at me, not sure when to laugh or if to laugh.

I told the same joke to several different adults and the consistent response was fits of laughter. I still like it.

FWIW, I've shared the talking dog joke with several people over the past few days. It's a real hoot.

 

[jamespowers]

Vern works hard at the phone company. He spends
two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Vern! How are ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to This club before.
"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league ."

When they're seated, a waitress asks Vern
if he'd like his usual, and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her. She's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes to their table, throws her arms around Vern,
starts to rub herself all over him and says,
"Hi Vern! Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Vern follows, and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

She's screaming at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-
letter word in the book.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken
him for someone else.

The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Vern, you picked up a real witch this time.'


VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY

 

[1961MJS]

Ed, I told the talking dog joke to our Boy Scout troop. The boys just stared at me, not sure when to laugh or if to laugh.

I told the same joke to several different adults and the consistent response was fits of laughter. I still like it.

Hi

Some of the boys in Scouting act like they're wrapped a little too right if you only know them from Scouts. I helped our (then) 15 year olds work up skits for Toten Chip axe yard / knife safety. I bought a plastic axe and a couple of the knives where the blade is on a spring and when you stab someone, the blade retracts into the handle. The first time the guys did the skits, the boys didn't laugh, so they went straight for the second group, the third group was rolling on the ground laughing.

I had a guy demonstrating WHY you push the knife blade instead of pulling it your way (causing a near heart attack by a Super Scouter complete with knee socks). I had two people in the axe yard, the one behind the one with the axe dropping the file so he was under the axe handle when checking that he had safe room to swing the axe, then he got bashed in the head when our star started swinging the axe for real. It was pretty good.

later

 

[Dixon Cannon]

DOG FOR SALE :

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bullshi#er. He's never been out of the yard'

-dixon cannon

 

[nice hat dude!]

 

[nice hat dude!]

Tax Time Real Soon,

 

[nice hat dude!]

Thought for the day!!

 

[nice hat dude!]

Things Make You Say...Hmmm,

 

[nice hat dude!]

One For The Ladies,

 

[nice hat dude!]

I Might Start This Hobby,

 

[nice hat dude!]

Last One,