Clean Jokes

[LoveMyHats2]

My 90 year old Mother-in-Law told me this one...

"you know you are in some deep trouble if while on your airliner, the flight attendant announces, "are there any sober pilots on board"?......

 

[nice hat dude!]

Hello James,

 

[jamespowers]

Hello James,

Or you could lean the other way but John Wayne told me to lean this way.

 

[nice hat dude!]

The Secret Revealed,

 

[nice hat dude!]

Ever had one of those days,

 

[GHT]

Yesterday I was at my local store buying a large bag of dried dog food, for my loyal pet, and was
in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog..
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on an impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog food Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 20 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to simply eat one or two nuggets every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, that I had stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from my local store. Hey -ho. Bark bark

 

[jamespowers]

Yesterday I was at my local store buying a large bag of dried dog food, for my loyal pet, and was
in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog..
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on an impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog food Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 20 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to simply eat one or two nuggets every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, that I had stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from my local store. Hey -ho. Bark bark

:rofl:

 

[nice hat dude!]

Sorry Ladies But It Is Funny,

 

[jamespowers]

Sorry Ladies But It Is Funny,

Beer, hear. Same thing.

 

[nice hat dude!]

ATTENTION!!

 

[Stray Cat]

Y
she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, that I had stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit me.

Mwahahahaaa! ound:
..my day just got a bit better.

 

[nice hat dude!]

Grand Parent Humor?

 

[3fingers]

A well known extremely wealthy man got on an airplane. He had never flown before and was terrified. The trip went well until the plane hit turbulence and began to bounce something awful.
The man began to pray and called out "Lord, if you get me out of this, I will give you half of everything I have!" The plane landed safely, but the man's prayer had been overheard by a minister who was on the flight. He approached the man and said "Brother, I heard what you said on the airplane, and I know you'll want to start giving right now!" The man replied "No, I've made a better deal." "A better deal?" says the minister. "Brother,The Lord doesn't make deals!"
"Sure he does" replied the millionaire. "I told him if he ever got me back on another airplane, he could have it all!"

eep:

 

[nice hat dude!]

Baby Humor,

 

[nice hat dude!]

Things That Make You Say Hmmm,

 

[nice hat dude!]

Ok this makes up for the Popcorn one,

 

[GHT]

Growing old is compulsory, it's often said, but growing up isn't. That's fine, but with age comes, well, small niggles, like forgetfulness.
Last weekend, we were getting all dressed up to go to some decadent 30's retro event. She came into the bathroom as I was getting shaved, turned round, bent over and said: "Are my stocking seams straight?" "They certainly are," I replied, adding,"and that's not all that's straight."
"You've had that!" she said, all huffy. Well let me tell you, I don't remember.

 

[The Rag And Bone Man]

I was thinking about installing a sky light in my unit.. I told the people above me and they are furious..

 

[Espee]

(Best when addressed to a group)

"Knock knock"

"WHO'S THERE?"

"Aw, you've heard it before... never mind."

 

[nice hat dude!]

Best I can do for now,