Clean Jokes

[ortega76]

How can you tell if one of your dinner guests is vegan?

Don't worry, they'll let you know.

 

[jamespowers]

How can you tell if one of your dinner guests is vegan?

Don't worry, they'll let you know.

At least fifty times over the course of the meal.

 

[splintercellsz]

What do you call a snake who works for the governement?

A civil serpent!

 

[LizzieMaine]

Old Virgil Gushee opened up a food stand at his gas station one summer, figuring the tourists might appreciate a place where they could get a bite to eat before heading on his way. He figured they might like to have something appropriately rural and folksy, so he thought about it a bit and hung a sign out front saying SQUIRREL SANDWICHES $1.

He done a pretty good business there for a few days, till one afternoon this fella in a short sleeve shirt an a clip on tie come driving in and walks up to the stand. "Whatcha got here, Zeke?" he asks.

"Well now my name ain't Zeke," Virgil says, "But it's just like the sign says, Squirrel Sandwiches. One dollar."

"I see," says the stranger. "Well, I'm the pure-food inspector for this county, and I got a few questions for you. You say that's squirrel meat in there?"

"Yessah," says Virgil, "Real Maine Squirrel meat, caught fresh every day."

"Is it *all* squirrel meat? Seems to me you'd have to catch an awful lof of squirrels to get up all so many sandwiches as you got piled up here? Be honest now, I can run you in if you're lyin'."

"Wellll," admits Virgil, "Ya got me there, I do put in a little somethin to -- extend it a bit. A little hoss meat, to be honest."

"How much is 'a little?'"

"Well, OK," says Virgil, feeling kind of put out by the whole business, "it's more than a little. It's fifty-fifty, hoss meat an' squirrel meat. But I can *guarantee* it's fifty fifty, absolutely guarantee that."

"Izzat so? What do you do, measure it out on a scale,"

"Oh, no," says Virgil, "it's much easier than that."

"Easier than that?"

"Yessah. I put in one squirrel an' one hoss."

 

[tonyb]

Q: How do you get 50 Canadians out of a swimming pool?

A: "Everyone out of the pool now, please."

 

[nice hat dude!]

Q: How do you get 50 Canadians out of a swimming pool?

A: "Everyone out of the pool now, please."

I like it Tony,but it only works for swimming pools,try and get us to leave a bar or hockey game(haha)

 

[MisterCairo]

I like it Tony,but it only works for swimming pools,try and get us to leave a bar or hockey game(haha)

Some of us can get shot in the face - and still demand to finish our beer:

http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/local/local-shooting-spoofed-on-snl-136925998.html

 

[tonyb]

Well, the dewy-eyed bride and I are turning into Canuckophiles. We can get our Yank asses up to the Great White North via automobile in less than three hours, we listen to As It Happens every weeknight on CBC Radio, we watch Peter Mansbridge on The National most nights as we drift off to the Land of Nod, and we're beginning to understand the rules of hockey. We've even hosted a Canada Day barbecue each of the past three years, and we try to work a Canadian theme into our occasional get-togethers throughout the year. One of our regular guests has devised a sort of Canada-themed quiz. As it turns out, most Yanks know diddly about Canada (outside of the maple syrup, Molson's and hockey stereotypes), or so one would conclude based on our guests' performance on those little exams. Ask most of them to name a Canadian named something other than Neil, Joni or Leonard, and you'll witness a pregnant pause before they say something like, "Wayne Gretsky is a Canadian, ain't he?"

 

[nice hat dude!]

Well, the dewy-eyed bride and I are turning into Canuckophiles. We can get our Yank asses up to the Great White North via automobile in less than three hours, we listen to As It Happens every weeknight on CBC Radio, we watch Peter Mansbridge on The National most nights as we drift off to the Land of Nod, and we're beginning to understand the rules of hockey. We've even hosted a Canada Day barbecue each of the past three years, and we try to work a Canadian theme into our occasional get-togethers throughout the year. One of our regular guests has devised a sort of Canada-themed quiz. As it turns out, most Yanks know diddly about Canada (outside of the maple syrup, Molson's and hockey stereotypes), or so one would conclude based on our guests' performance on those little exams. Ask most of them to name a Canadian named something other than Neil, Joni or Leonard, and you'll witness a pregnant pause before they say something like, "Wayne Gretsky is a Canadian, ain't he?"

Figured Captain Kirk would be high on that list also Tony?

 

[C44Antelope]

January 24th was National Belly Laugh Day so we had a special luncheon at work and everyone had to bring a joke to share. One of my favorites...

Farmer has to drive through the edge of town from where he keeps his livestock to his truck patch. He is on an old Ford tractor, pulling a manure spreader. He stops at a stop sign and a boy standing on the corner yells at him, as he's holding his nose - "Hey mister! What ya got in that trailer?" The farmer calls back "fertilizer!" The boy asks "What're you doing with it?" The farmer calls back "I'm gonna put it on my strawberries!" As the farmer lets out on the clutch to go on the boy yells back "Well you oughta come over to our house some time. We always put some sugar and cream on ours."

 

[nice hat dude!]

In keeping with the Canadian theme,Do you know why we say "eh"?

Cause as soon as we get you to say that correctly we'll move to B,C,D,E ect.

 

[tonyb]

In keeping with the Canadian theme,Do you know why we say "eh"?

Cause as soon as we get you to say that correctly we'll move to B,C,D,E ect.

An old co-worker from my taxicab dispatching days, back when we still transmitted information via the human voice over radio waves, was fond of saying, "they're in apartment A, as in Canada."

 

[Espee]

When I was in Jr. High and High School, the southern California "vatos" adressed every guy as "eh."
Or was it A? "Hey A, let me cut in the lunch line."
Except for when it was "ese" instead.
(Or S.A.)
Their sons call each other "fool."

 

[tonyb]

Pity of it is, the best Canadian jokes I know hardly belong in a "Clean Jokes" thread.

It was a Canadian, by the way, who pointed out to me that the number of bottles in a case of beer was equal to the number of hours in a day, and how that couldn't possibly be just a coincidence.

 

[1961MJS]

Pity of it is, the best Canadian jokes I know hardly belong in a "Clean Jokes" thread.

It was a Canadian, by the way, who pointed out to me that the number of bottles in a case of beer was equal to the number of hours in a day, and how that couldn't possibly be just a coincidence.

Damn them beer companies. Here in OKC we now have 30 packs (YeAHHHH), and 20 packs (BOOOO). There aren't as many actual cases anymore. sighhhh.

Tony, I don't know ANY dirty Canadian jokes, blond jokes of course, but no Dirty Canadian jokes. You could send them to my email though...

Hint Hint, Nudge, nudge, say no more!!!

 

[Foxer55]

I like to listen to old radio programs especially on WAMU Sunday nights. I am equally amazed at how clean, simple, and hilarious the comedy was between our Miss Brooks and Mr. Boyington or between Fibber and Molly as I am disheartened by the attempted comedy trash on television today. If you can only get a laugh with toilet humor, sex, and bodily functions you ain't no comedian.

 

[ortega76]

When I was in Jr. High and High School, the southern California "vatos" adressed every guy as "eh."
Or was it A? "Hey A, let me cut in the lunch line."
Except for when it was "ese" instead.
(Or S.A.)
Their sons call each other "fool."

"Eh" is often used for "Ese". I always preferred "primo", or "cousin".

 

[Fletch]

An old Northwest legend, dating at least to the 1920s, has to do with the metal bands used by the Washington Biological Survey to tag migratory birds.

The bands bore a Seattle address and the abbreviation "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an address in Montana:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag, and I want to tell you it tasted terrible."

 

[jamespowers]

An old Northwest legend, dating at least to the 1920s, has to do with the metal bands used by the Washington Biological Survey to tag migratory birds.

The bands bore a Seattle address and the abbreviation "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an address in Montana:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag, and I want to tell you it tasted terrible."

:rofl:

 

[robrinay]

Thought this might amuse you - please convert the cultural backgrounds of the wives to suit your part of the world:

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.

The first man married a Greek girl.
He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai girl.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Yorkshire.
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table every day. The first day he didn't see anything. The second day he didn't see anything either. But by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down, he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.