Clean Jokes

[Bamaboots]

 

[Benny Holiday]

An aboriginal tour guide is showing some tourists some of the picturesque gorges and landscapes in the top end of Australia. It's obvious that one of the tourists has been dragged along by his wife and has no interest in listening to the guide at all. He rudely and loudly complains about having no cell phone reception while the guide explains the wonders of the local flora and fauna; rolls his eyes at the examples of ancient cave art the group is shown, and laughs derisively as the guide tells them about the myths and legends the art depicts; and has no respect for the guide's descriptions of indigenous 'bush tucker', the foods local people have subsisted on for thousands of years, instead quipping that the food couldn't be any good because 'no cooking show would use stuff like that' on TV.

All through the tour, the guide remains composed and professional, ignoring the man's subtle and not-so-subtle racism. Finally, at the end of the tour, the group arrive at a beautiful canyon river with dark blue water and a scenic waterfall as the backdrop. The rude tourist slips off his shoes, socks and shirt and dashes to the water's edge, interrupting the guide's talk to ask, "Hey mate there's no sharks in there is there?"

"No, sir, there are definitely no sharks in there," the guide calmly informs the man. Grinning like a naughty schoolboy, the man lets out a loud "Yeehaaa baby!" that echoes around the canyon walls and jumps into the water, splashing and whooping and generally carrying on like an annoying lout.

Sitting on the riverbank, the guide continues, "The saltwater crocodiles ate them all years ago."

 

[BobHufford]

 

[Zombie_61]

I once saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall. I remember thinking, "That's a little condescending."

 

[Bamaboots]

 

[HoosierDaddy]

 

[BobHufford]

 

[Bamaboots]

 

[drmaxtejeda]

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[GHT]

 

[3fingers]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

 

[drmaxtejeda]

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[GHT]

 

[drmaxtejeda]

.

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[GHT]

^^^^
Back in the day when forth coming movies were announced by large letters on an illuminated background there was a very funny blooper, contrived or not. In the predominantly Jewish London suburb of Golders Green, the local cinema was showing "Who Framed Roger Rabbit," the mistake was that the "T" in Rabbit was missing.

 

[Trenchfriend]

Picking up girls:

"Hi, is your father terrorist?

You look so smashing!"

 

[Trenchfriend]

Office-workers talk:

"Where will you go on holiday, this year?"

"Martinique. That's the little black-haired from the accounting... ."

 

[drmaxtejeda]

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.
— ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

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[BobHufford]

 

[Frunobulax]

View attachment 184368

Now I gotta wipe off my monitor, Bob.