Clean Jokes

[GHT]

Yeah, you can only get that through the catalog.

Amazing catalogue, two useful items to commit to memory:

 

[3fingers]

I suspect that a fair number of people below a certain age will need an explanation of the bottom section of text.
'Tis a sad commentary on the things our young people have missed out on.

 

[Bamaboots]

 

[GHT]

That may be so, but what I want to know is, does the Pillsbury Doughboy have doughnuts? And does he get a rise when you yeast expect it?

 

[Bamaboots]

 

[GHT]

 

[GHT]

 

[3fingers]

 

[3fingers]

 

[Zombie_61]

^ Hey, wait a minute. I see more than a few nickels and dimes in there.

 

[GHT]

When the daughter was told about sex,
She said, "Mother it sounds so complex,
Do you mean you & father,
went through all that bother,
and I'm just the after-effects?"

The mother said to her daughter,
who by now was beginning to bore her,
"darling, even the birds and the bees,
go through antics like these,
To give us the flora and fauna."

 

[BobHufford]

^ Hey, wait a minute. I see more than a few nickels and dimes in there.

"I put 25-cents in the jar..."

 

[GHT]

How to give a cat a pill:
Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

Tie the little @!!@#@#$%'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak fillet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for RSPCA (SPCA) to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill:
Wrap it in bacon, toss it in the air.

 

[Bamaboots]

 

[Bamaboots]

 

[Trenchfriend]

Popular one in Germany:

An german industrial plant organized an assessment-center, because they need a new superintendent.

There are dozens of people in the conference room, including one Japanese. The supervisor starts a test of general education, beginning with literature.

Question 1: bla bla bla bla?

The Japanese: „Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Faust, "Osterspaziergang", 1806!“
The others mumble respectfully.

2. bla bla bla bla?

The Japenese: „Matthias Claudios, "Abendlied", 1782!“
The others are a little shocked.

3. bla bla bla bla?

The Japenese: „Schiller, „Das Lied von der Glocke", 1799!"
The others are blamed.
In the first row, one mumbles: "F....n' Japenese!!"

The Japanese: "Max Grundig, CeBit Hannover, 1982!"

 

[drmaxtejeda]

How to give a cat a pill:
Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

Tie the little @!!@#@#$%'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak fillet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for RSPCA (SPCA) to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill:
Wrap it in bacon, toss it in the air.

I can't finish reading the whole thing for laughing! My stomach hurts. I am taking a break.

Sent from my SM-A705FN using Tapatalk

 

[drmaxtejeda]

-What is your last request?

-That we all hold hands together.

Sent from my SM-A705FN using Tapatalk

 

[Zombie_61]

I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

 

[Trenchfriend]

Good old children-humor:

In summertime, a man with two left feets enters a shoe store and says: "Do you got Flip-Flips?"