Clean Jokes

[GHT]

My missus moaned that she has blisters on her hands from the broom handle. I told her: "Next time, take the car."

 

[GHT]

 

[tonyb]

With the advent of the self-driving car, it’s only a matter of time until there’s a country song about a guy’s truck leaving him.

Edit: I just read this joke on another site an hour or so ago. So I post it here. And, while here, I read the most recent couple pages and see that GHT posted the very same joke back on December 7.

 

[drmaxtejeda]

My missus moaned that she has blisters on her hands from the broom handle. I told her: "Next time, take the car."

Lol!

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[vitanola]

Wealthy, famous New York developer and real estate man insists upon having- well- er-

Plus ça change...

Don't be a goof!

 

[HoosierDaddy]

???..I don't get it. Please explain.

 

[3fingers]

That is Daddy and Peaches Browning. She was his 16 year old child bride, he was past 50. He was also bats$#t crazy. She also had a mother who appears to have been as crazy as Daddy was.
The whole deal was a great scandal at the time.

 

[HoosierDaddy]

So the humor is.....

 

[Bamaboots]

 

[drmaxtejeda]

-I had a huge row with my wife last week, due to a slip of the tongue.

-What did you say?

-I meant to call her "Patty", but for some reason I said "Fatty", and man, did she get mad!!!

-Same thing happened to me once. I meant to call her "my dear", but for some reason what came out of my mouth was "You damned witch, you ruined my life!!!"

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[GHT]

If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.

Recording on an Australian tax help line

My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I 
use it as both. When not in use, it 
is prominently displayed in a 
decorative ceramic utensil caddy 
in my kitchen.

The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at 
a rummage sale, it’s a pooper-scooper.

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

 

[Hurricane Jack]

Too funny not to post.

For those who are getting Cabin Fever this winter:

You know it's cold out when you get a text from your wife like this:

 

[Zombie_61]

...You know it's cold out when you get a text from your wife like this:
View attachment 154332

I laughed harder at this than I probably should have.

 

[tonyb]

Proven side-effects of routine childhood vaccinations —

Grey hair, old age.

 

[2jakes]

 

[Zombie_61]

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. He asks, "What for?" She says, "I want to kill my husband." He says, "Sorry, I can't do that." She then reaches into her handbag, pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and hands it to him. He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

[drmaxtejeda]

Pics of a mug in a Psychiatrist's office

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[Hurricane Jack]

 

[Hurricane Jack]

I was inspired by the Super Bowl Halftime Show to get a tattoo & work on my bod.

 

[Hurricane Jack]