Clean Jokes

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[Frunobulax]

 

[Frunobulax]

 

[Zombie_61]

Tom Petty must be rolling over about now.

View attachment 135187

Earworm!

 

[GHT]

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[2jakes]

 

[2jakes]

Jack was in trouble.
Forgot wedding anniversary.
Wife was really P.O.

“Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes
from zero to 200 in seconds."
"AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”... She told him.

Early next morning he got up and went to work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough
there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway,
brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a
brand-new bathroom scale.

Jack has been missing since Friday.

 

[2jakes]

I came from a town so small we didn’t have a town drunk
so we all took turns.
We only had a one pump gas station.
Times were lean...

We couldn’t afford porcelain signs or a Pegasus...

But we made the best of what we had.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[2jakes]

 

[2jakes]

Winter time...

 

[Hurricane Jack]

Nothing like a bike ride for a little fresh air!

 

[Trenchfriend]

Guest is dissatisfied with the oxtail soup.

Guest: "Excuse me Sir, but the soup seems to be a little too thin."

Snackbar owner calls through the kitchen door: "Heeey, the ox should hang his tail a little longer into!!"

 

[GHT]

In the UK the local councils run the social housing program. These are some of the genuine complaints sent in by the residents.
Has the UK got the monopoly on unintentional double entendres?

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.
3. It’s all the dog mess, that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle, very badly, when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are just plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBC2.

 

[Trenchfriend]

Ironic stuff:

One friend in the circle:

"Do you know the joke, where the one guest says to the other guest "When I'm drinking coffee, I cannot sleep." and the other guest says: "Funny, in my case, it's the other way around. When I'm sleeping, I cannot drink coffee."

The other friends:

"No, we don't know it. Tell us."

 

[Zombie_61]

...Has the UK got the monopoly on unintentional double entendres?...

Doubtful. But I speak from personal experience when I say some people are completely clueless when it comes to this type of humor. And I've known people who couldn't understand an obviously "dirty" joke even after it was explained to them in great detail.

On the other hand, I've had people who know me rather well stop speaking in mid-sentence and acknowledge they paused because they were trying to think of a way to carefully word their next comments so that I wouldn't be able to turn it into such a joke.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

For the follicly challenged.

 

[2jakes]

Meanwhile, down by the Texas Buckhorn saloon.