Agony column?

[AmateisGal]

I'm very sorry this is all happening, Amateis.

He sounds like a Grade A Ass, select rotten cut. If it makes you fell any better, no one with substance moves in with someone that quickly... and no one in their right mind let's someone they know is so flaky move in with no job and then exposes their three kids to them.

I do feel sorry for the kids... it sounds like they have a less than spectacular mother and now they get Grade A too. What fun times.

Although, I do have to warn you that dysfunction loves dysfunction... in the sense that oftentimes two people with real problems are successful together because they feed off each other's dysfunction. They aren't conventionally happy, but their need for drama are met so they stay. So if their relationship doesn't implode, rest assured it could be because they are both ill. Not happy like you, or I, or non-dysfunctional people are, but in a twisted almost inhumane way to live.

But go eat a pint of ice cream and if when you get it out of the freezer, be careful you don't "accidentally" tip over a container of his in the garage. And BTW, after checking with local laws to make sure you won't get in trouble, tell him his shit will be on the lawn 9am Saturday to pick up, and that if it's not gone by noon, you're telephoning your local goodwill to do a pickup. You'll feel better when he's out of your life, and you don't owe him free storage. (And please, if you haven't already, talk to your GYN about STD testing to make sure you're ok.)

You're absolutely right, sheeplady. He is a rotten cut, and why I stayed with him for 18 years is beyond me. But I am free at last and I gotta tell you, today is feels amazing! When I think of him trying to play house with three little kids...I laugh and laugh. Good riddance. Let him screw up his life. He's been doing it since we've been together and I was the one that always fixed things. (He got fired from his last job a few years ago, so this is a pattern).

He's supposed to be picking up a bunch of stuff in his garage today, but not everything. He said, "Be patient, please." He left at the end of January. I think I've been MORE than patient. But as he is unpredictable and has ZERO respect for the law, and for my own safety and my daughter's, I will be patient for awhile longer.

As soon as I found out he cheated on me, I made an appt with my doctor and got STD testing. Everything is negative, THANK GOD.

Over the years, he's told me more than once that if it weren't for me, he would have been dead a long time ago. I was the one that held that damn relationship together, and I ruined my health in the process (I have rheumatoid arthritis and it manifested about five years ago). The stress was unbelievable.

I'm breathing a sigh of relief today.

 

[AmateisGal]

Some people will never change -- my father was a worthless philandering louse when he was 25, and he's by all accounts the same way at 80. And when you've got someone like that in your life, the best thing that can ever happen to you is to get rid of them once and for all. Let him be somebody else's problem, and be glad he isn't yours anymore.

I'm beginning to realize this more and more - that I am well rid of him. I'm GLAD he is gone. My life has been incredibly stress-free since he left - with the exception of the stupid crap he's kept doing to me. I'm going "no contact" with him now. My daughter wants nothing to do with him at this point, and it is not my job to fix their relationship. It is his.

We are going to be just fine! I'm actually looking toward the future with hope and a sense of anticipation - and I haven't felt that way in a long, long time.

 

[St. Louis]

It's my belief that he sensed you would start to feel that way, which is why he's not picking up all his stuff from your home. He's dragging it out for as long as he can in order to maintain contact. I wonder whether it would be worth while to give the louse a deadline, after which his crap ends up on the sidewalk?

 

[AmateisGal]

It's my belief that he sensed you would start to feel that way, which is why he's not picking up all his stuff from your home. He's dragging it out for as long as he can in order to maintain contact. I wonder whether it would be worth while to give the louse a deadline, after which his crap ends up on the sidewalk?

That is very possible. He may not even consciously realize he's doing it. In fact, he was supposed to come pick stuff up today but had an excuse (as usual).

 

[sheeplady]

I think you should give him a deadine (check with the lawyer as I know some states are weird about storing stuff) and tell him to get his stuff.

He wants his cake and to eat it too. Either that or he's figuring out his new girl, who moves guys in she's known less than 6 months with her 3 young kids, is less than stellar. (As a note, a friend who just got divorced won't even introduce her new guy to her teenage kids until they've been together a year...)

Be understanding my butt. My words for your ex are not FL appropriate.

 

[AmateisGal]

I think you should give him a deadine (check with the lawyer as I know some states are weird about storing stuff) and tell him to get his stuff.

He wants his cake and to eat it too. Either that or he's figuring out his new girl, who moves guys in she's known less than 6 months with her 3 young kids, is less than stellar. (As a note, a friend who just got divorced won't even introduce her new guy to her teenage kids until they've been together a year...)

Be understanding my butt. My words for your ex are not FL appropriate.

Yeah, you're right. He does want his cake and to eat it, too. Both he and his, ahem, girlfriend (I call her something much worse that starts with a w) have no morals. When I first saw her picture, I thought she could have been the poster child for STDs (one of the reasons I got tested IMMEDIATELY).

My goal? To not think of them at all. Right now I'm trying not to spend my energy obsessing over them. I want to not care AT ALL whether they stay together or not. I'm just very, very thankful that he's not going to enforce the visitation schedule because my daughter would raise a fit. She refuses to see him. She refuses to go his new house. She won't even respond to his text messages.

 

[sheeplady]

I didn't think a visitation schedule could be enforced with a teen who doesn't want to go, anyways. My understanding is if a child says no they don't want to go in court, the judge won't make the child go.

And good for her.

 

[AmateisGal]

I didn't think a visitation schedule could be enforced with a teen who doesn't want to go, anyways. My understanding is if a child says no they don't want to go in court, the judge won't make the child go.

And good for her.

Yep. She's got a mind of her own. And there is no way I will make her go see him or even respond to his texts. Until he humbles himself and apologizes and actually SHOWS her how he feels, she's not going to lift a finger to repair this relationship. The ball is in his court. Unfortunately, he's such an immature jerk that he gets upset at her for not responding to his text messages and acts like she should just get over it and let it go. When I told him the other night that she wanted to know why he did the things he did, he said, "It doesn't matter now." Well, to her, it DOES matter! He's such a JERK.

 

[sheeplady]

That's a good line of thinking. Cheaters cheat because something is broken inside of them. Therefore it's up to the cheater to fix themselves and make amends, not up to the rest of the world to forgive them. What a jerk.

 

[AmateisGal]

That's a good line of thinking. Cheaters cheat because something is broken inside of them. Therefore it's up to the cheater to fix themselves and make amends, not up to the rest of the world to forgive them. What a jerk.

Yep. Once when we were separated, he tried really hard to change - went to counseling, etc. He appeared to be a different man. But within six months, the ogre was back. I feel incredibly stupid for taking him back at that point, but what's done is done. I feel too much empathy for people, and boy, does he have the sob stories. I now know he has a "cluster B" personality disorder. I listened to a podcast a few days ago and it hit me smack in the fact that this is what I'd been dealing with all these years. Helped tremendously.

 

[sheeplady]

Yep. Once when we were separated, he tried really hard to change - went to counseling, etc. He appeared to be a different man. But within six months, the ogre was back. I feel incredibly stupid for taking him back at that point, but what's done is done. I feel too much empathy for people, and boy, does he have the sob stories. I now know he has a "cluster B" personality disorder. I listened to a podcast a few days ago and it hit me smack in the fact that this is what I'd been dealing with all these years. Helped tremendously.

Both my parents had cluster B personality disorders (mother was borderline, father a narc), which made for fun times growing up. Which is to say, I sympathize. Reading some info on the cycle of abuse might help too... it explains love bombing, etc. And it was really helpful for me to read that stuff to realize I wasn't crazy, and yes, these unsettling patterns were patterns.

 

[AmateisGal]

Both my parents had cluster B personality disorders (mother was borderline, father a narc), which made for fun times growing up. Which is to say, I sympathize. Reading some info on the cycle of abuse might help too... it explains love bombing, etc. And it was really helpful for me to read that stuff to realize I wasn't crazy, and yes, these unsettling patterns were patterns.

I listened to a podcast abut how cluster Bs operate and I was practically yelling at the computer, "YES. That's my ex-husband!" The knowledge that he is going to do this to his 'girlfriend' made me feel better.

Today my daughter texted me and asked me to come home as she felt she was going to have a breakdown over all this crap her dad has put her through. I don't mind telling you, the angry mamma grizzly bear came out and I wanted to blow up his phone (and maybe his car) with angry messages. But I held back. It won't do a bit of good. I HATE seeing my daughter hurt because of his selfish actions. That is the WORST part of all this. I'll be fine and in fact, am doing much better. (though I still get a sick feeling in my stomach when I think of them and their 'happy' life - he's posting pics of them on FB and she's doing the same. Makes me vomit). But my daughter is completely the innocent in this.

 

[sheeplady]

Block him on facebook. If you can't do that, unfollow him. (Go to his profile, unselect "following.")

I'm sorry about your daughter. Support her the best you can, but don't forget about yourself.

 

[AmateisGal]

Block him on facebook. If you can't do that, unfollow him. (Go to his profile, unselect "following.")

I'm sorry about your daughter. Support her the best you can, but don't forget about yourself.

He blocked me a long time ago, but me being the curious person I am, found his profile. It crushed me. So I learned my lesson. Not going to look at it again.

 

[TimeWarpWife]

I, too, am sorry you're having to go through all of this mess. My brother-in-law left his second wife, who was a wonderful person, for the so-called "love" of his life only to find out that his true love is bi-polar and the meds aren't working. Of course, wife #3 didn't divulge that little piece of information until after the wedding. I'm sure there will be all kinds of nasty little surprises for both your ex and his bimbo that you're going to be able to sit back and laugh yourself silly over. Before people cheat they should probably think about the fact that if someone is willing to cheat with you, they're also willing to cheat on you. You can't have a relationship built on cheating and lies.

 

[AmateisGal]

I, too, am sorry you're having to go through all of this mess. My brother-in-law left his second wife, who was a wonderful person, for the so-called "love" of his life only to find out that his true love is bi-polar and the meds aren't working. Of course, wife #3 didn't divulge that little piece of information until after the wedding. I'm sure there will be all kinds of nasty little surprises for both your ex and his bimbo that you're going to be able to sit back and laugh yourself silly over. Before people cheat they should probably think about the fact that if someone is willing to cheat with you, they're also willing to cheat on you. You can't have a relationship built on cheating and lies.

You are ABSOLUTELY correct. I couldn't imagine being in a relationship like that. How could you ever trust the other person? What a miserable existance.

 

[Paisley]

Child of a narcissist here. Your ex did you a big, fat favor by leaving.

Tips for no-contact: get off Facebook entirely and box up his stuff and have it delivered to him.

 

[AmateisGal]

Child of a narcissist here. Your ex did you a big, fat favor by leaving.

Tips for no-contact: get off Facebook entirely and box up his stuff and have it delivered to him.

I wish I could do that, but it's tools and big crap in his garage. I certainly can't move it by myself and I think if I got some people to help me do it that would enrage him because they might mess up his stuff somehow. I know he's taking advantage of me by leaving it here so long, but I'm worried about my safety. He's volatile and unpredictable.

 

[LizzieMaine]

My former stepfather left a motorcycle and a bunch of ham-radio gear behind when my mother threw him out. When he wasn't snappy in picking it up, she demolished it with a sledgehammer and piled the remains in the gutter out front of the house. He got the message, and never set foot on our street again.

 

[sheeplady]

So I ended up getting the last bill from the radiology place cancelled, as my insurance denied it for incorrect filing... and the nice lady offered.

Now this is going to sound absolutely crazy, but all of a sudden I've started getting baby formula sent from every single company that makes it (free samples) to every address that's available for me online... including addresses I don't use and haven't used in years (think 15 years) but are still online.

There's a person in my past who really kicked me when I was down. At that time I was feeling hurt by family members during my cancer treatment and struggling with a lot of issues, including infertility. I have to honestly wonder if kicker isn't signing me up online using any address she can find and sending it... she rubbed it in my face that I wouldn't be able to have more children because of the cancer and that she can have as many as she wants... and I just found out she's newly pregnant again. I'm starting to wonder if it really is a coincidence or some sort of nasty passive aggressive stuff. (I've not signed up with these companies nor have I ordered anything pregnancy or baby related in over a year... I'm also past the age of most people having babies. I haven't signed up for anything using my last address in a year, either.) I don't have contact with the kicker, but given the sorts of stuff she did (including lying about things said about me by other family members) I have to wonder.

My husband actually asked me if I thought one of my family members was stirring up stuff. (A box was sent to people who have stalked me, and while that address is linked to me online, everyone including kicker knows I don't have contact with those people for safety reasons.) I was like, "haha, no. Who does that stuff? That's so passive aggressive." Then yesterday I found out about the kicker being newly pregnant. Since I don't have contact with her, I wonder if this is her calling card, as she'd know I'd find out through the family grapevine and then have weekly reminders through formula coupons that I can't have more kids but she can (as she reminded me frequently during my treatment until I blocked her). With the added bonus of sending stuff to dangerous stalkers who have now tried to force contact due to "packages of formula" arriving.

And now I'm sitting here thinking that I'm probably crazy for even thinking of it.